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In the past few days, across two different industries, I’ve been aware of at least four of the men now being rightly outed as predators. They are men I’ve tried to warn others about, whether in whisper networks or through the “correct” channels. 1/?
Many marginalized and mistreated friends or colleagues have listened. But a vast majority of more privileged people, many of whom would happily identify as allies and friends of mine, have ignored or dismissed these warnings in favour of comfort. To avoid conflict.
And there is something that happens when your voice is unheard. I’ve seen it happen to so many victims, witnesses, advocates and genuine allies. You scream so loud and long, you do all the “right” things that they tell you will work, but eventually you see it isn’t going to help.
YOU aren’t going to help. And maybe you shouldn’t have tried. Because slowly, over days or weeks or years, you realize that many of the people you tried to warn have decided that you, the disturber, must be the problem.
After all, you have asked them to change, to get into fights, to upset the balance, to do work. Meanwhile, the predator has been nothing but kind to them. He asks nothing. He smiles and laughs with them. Plays with them online. Offers gifts. What do you bring but trouble?
At best, these “allies” will make a weak concession: they will not speak about this man when they are in your presence, they will not invite him to events if you are attending, but… really everyone likes him. Isn’t it easier to not invite you?
They’ll never notice that, in their circles, the same group of men is always there, but strangely the women keep changing. (Other marginalized identities? Oh, they never got the invite.)
Of course, you keep trying, but you aren’t in those rooms anymore, aren’t invited to the same events. And so all you can do is watch as the number of people willing to listen dwindles, and the predator gains allies, followers, friends.
One day, you realize you’ve lost. People aren’t going to listen. And you’ve told enough of the wrong "allies" that they’ve helped make the predator stronger, by virtue of feeding his knowledge of what people know of him.
But once you’ve lost, something else happens. You watch people celebrate the predators, praise and amplify them. Sometimes people you looked up to. Sometimes people you warned. And you begin to wonder, was I wrong? You’ve been gaslit so long that you do it to yourself.
You know that your friend champions justice, speaks out about abuse, claims to abhor predators… So if they aren’t doing anything about this… maybe you were wrong. Maybe the abuses you spoke about weren’t really that bad. Maybe you really ARE dramatic, bitter, unforgiving.
So finally, when weeks like this arrive, thanks to the courage and strength and fury of victims, there is no vindication. There is only the exhausted soreness of how long it took, the vague guilt that you could not do more, and the fear that those speaking out will be vilified.
There is also anger. Fury. At the predators, yes, but you’ve held that for years. Now it spreads to the friends and colleagues, the “allies” you see feigning shock and dismay when you remember the coffee breaks spent telling them to please, please listen and do something NOW.
Now they ask “what can I do?” but it’s only for the moment, to soothe you, and not for the months and years they spent brushing the truth aside. Emptily, they say “we have to do better”, but it is without apology for all the ways they helped make things worse.
I am furious and I am tired and I am broken in many ways from being hurt, betrayed, dismissed. A thousand cuts. I share this feeling with so, so many. But the only thing I can do, and what gives me the energy that pain has taken, is help.
I want to help. If you need me, I am here. Through what means I have available, I will keep trying to bring new voices in to safer spaces, and advocate for change and upheaval in dangerous ones. And I will work to protect and uplift those I can.
My DMs are open for you to reach out and tell me what you need, even if all you need is a listening ear or someone to advocate for you in a room where you feel alone. This does not tire me, nor cost any energy. I want to do this.
Lastly, THANK YOU to the incredible voices who are leading the charge right now, whether survivor or advocate. You are doing so much work, I am so inspired by you, and you make this industry worthwhile. I want to remain here with you, and I will not go without a fight.
