TRIGGER WARNING

Last summer 2019 I fell into a deep Depression. I thought I was just overreacting and self diagnosing myself like everyone else said so I just ignored it. I started neglecting my meds and started sleeping a lot. My mood swings worsened and I started to feel+

worthless by the minute, each day each week a month which felt like years in these long summery months I was indoors. I only went outside twice. Those deep feelings of worthlessness turned into suicidal feelings. Intrusive and compulsive thoughts wouldn't go away and it+

Wouldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. I suffered from severe drug withdraw and it tore me apart. I cried and felt like I was having an anxiety attack everyday due to my GAD and taking a high dose of meds that I'm prescribed. Everything got worse and everything wouldn't stop+

Pain is the only thing I could feel until I became numb and broken. Nothing mattered so I just wasted my time on my Laptop playing Royale High on Roblox. It sounds very silly but it was the only thing to keep me from breaking apart and giving up on life. Not only that but I+

Surrounded my already mentally unstable mind with Gorey and graphic imageries. Watching people kill themselves, watching people self harm and hurt other people. Hanging and shootings and torture. Watching that everyday. Nonstop and just being obsessed with it. My urges to self+

Harm decreased as I watched those videos but they did take a negative toll on my mental health. I was so lost and I didn't even know who I was or anyone else and all I knew was Gore and Royale High. Once summer ended and I was able to go back to school my mind became confused+

Hostile, vulgar and just dangerous. Everyone was normal and happy while I was putting on an act. Who knew the quiet kid was obsessed with gore and was inches to killing themselves if they ever snapped? That's when it happened. A few weeks into school and I just I can't and I+

Couldn't. I hated being alive I HATED BEING IN PAIN I HATED BEING UNLOVED I HATED FEELING CONSTANTLY LOST AND SCARED AND CONFUSED. I HAD NOBODY WHEN IT SEEMED LIKE I HAD EVERYONE I HAD NOBODY. Everyone loves me but my suicidal thoughts and tendencies decided to ignore that+

Because after all they knew the truth right? This pain and suffering? The constant dread of wanting to not exist? Well your family loves you a lot right...but my Depression ignored it and fact I felt like I was Depression like I was a completely different person+

Like I had someone controlling me like I was their puppet. Depression isn't your fried Depression is your enemy and the goal of Depression is to make you end up miserable and dead. In my room sitting in a chair looking out of my window and I see a beautiful blue sky and the+

Clouds and some birds and then there's hands wrapped around my neck squeezing. Squeezing tighter and tighter and I do nothing but sit there and continue to feel hands becoming tighter and tighter. My hands my own hands around my neck knowing that this is what I wanted. I want to+

Die I don't care if anyone misses me I just want the pain to stop. It hurts so much let me die. Is what I was telling myself and then I feel a wave of some energy throughout my body and at the time I didn't know your brain would forcefully let your body stop yourself from+

Killing yourself unless you have a rope tied around your neck or other object that can forcefully kill you. But in that moment it hit me, I didn't know that I was trying to kill myself until I felt my hands drop down from my neck. I remember standing up and just feeling+

Miserable. I was so tired and sad and empty and then I went to sleep on my bed. I wish that this was all to it to this story but it continues. Few weeks into school I wake up and I'm having a manic episode. I don't suffer from bipolar disorder but I will have some manic+

Episodes once or every three months. My intrusive thoughts and compulsive self decides that today we're gonna get a bit dangerous. We're gonna do something amazing something that I need to do I need to do it and nothing will stop me. These thoughts were caused by my ADHD.+

ADHD is extremely harmful and especially when you're thinking about self harm once you start you can't stop. I managed to sneak a pocket knife into school and it was plastic. Who knew such a sharp Plastic object could give you radial nerve damage haha. In the school bathrooms+

I'm just standing there in the mirror looking at myself. I need to do this I need to do it I can't take it. Blood is dripping down my arm and I just slice and slice and slice nonstop I go deeper and rougher which each cut as the knife digs into my arm. I relax and pull away+

Looking at this disgusting creation I've made on my arm. I clean my mess up but the blood doesn't stop. It keeps going and it's flowing like a river but not too messy like a river. If you've ever seen a slit wrist and how it bleeds it was like that and yes if I ever cut any+

Deeper I would've probably been able to slit my arm and die of blood loss or something. So 13 year old me looked at myself dead in the eye and just cried. I felt relived and even though there was stinging I could finally breathe for once. It stained through the cloth+

Of my shirt sleeve. I'm pretty sure I was wearing a dress with a hoodie that day and little me decided to show some people and I was so delusional and confused. Drug withdrawal really hits you hard when you neglect it for two in a half months. I could've died because of how+

Much of a high dose I was taking at the time. A few hours in like about 6 hours of me casually going to class with a uh I dunno a pocket knife in my pocket and my arm just bleeding out like I'm getting blood drawn. I get called up to the office and get walked there. And oh boy+

I wasn't in trouble but the looks on their faces are still priceless to this day. They ask for the pocket knife and I pull it out of my pocket and put it on the desk and the vice principal was scared of me and I found that funny since he's the one who everybody dislikes and+

Everybody just thinks he's annoying and to see him look surprised, shocked and scared was pleasant. Obviously they didn't know how to react to the situation and ask me to pull up my sleeves and I'm just sitting there with a bleeding arm yup still bleeding and let me tell you+

My arm was cold and I could barely move it and they decided to have this whole conversation about me being a school shooter. They compared me to one while my arm was just ya know casually bleeding and I could've died of blood loss..but anyways they call my parents and+

Dad comes to pick me up. Sad vibes and depressing vibes just disappointed in me so like yeah. After this scandal happened they went through my phone the next week and found my gore stash. Yeah very pleasant and then a week after that I went to my specialist who's very epic+

And I get admitted to the physc ward- BUT luckily for me and my parents I got to choose innpatient or outpatient and yes I picked outpatient because who in the whole wide world wants to stay in a hospital and live in it for a month write after they tried to kill themselves?+

Yeah not me..and if they ever called the police I'd be in innpatient for sure so I was very lucky. I get to the place like 2 weeks and I'm scared. Because when you're 13 and all of this is hitting you at once and you've realized what you've done but not fully it hits hard+

But I made a lot of friends and made everyone feel happy there. I met suicidal kids like me and I made them laugh which made me really happy. I could get into detail but to make things short we did lots of therapy and grape juice is the best juice and if you know+

Then you know. Doctors were weird there always checking your blood pressure and seeing how you're doing. Basically it was school but instead of classes we had therapy classes haha yayy. And my favorites were art therapy and yeah mostly art therapy OH YEAH AND CHILD THERAPY+

Man that was the bomb we got to play with playdo and clay and we made cards which was really cool. Oh and we did yoga therapy and nutrition therapy which was really weird but we played a game called Heart attack which was really kind of weird but funny and the goal was to+

Make sure you don't get a lot of cholosatral in your heart or you die but like we all ended up mostly dying except for the other kids and I didn't really die I kinda just 50/50 but anyways it was pretty cool. The hospital made me develop triggers and now I have a fear of+

Hospitals so that's pretty cool :D I mostly made this post because of the trending thing that's going on Twitter right now and wanted to tell y'all that you're not alone :) a website I recommend is http://save.org  it's lgbtq+ friendly!

TRIGGER WARNING

Hi! Please read this thread it's extremely long but it's about my story and how I tried to kill myself

I will answer questions if y'all have any :)

#suicide
#SuicideAwareness