People are talking about how easy it is for charismatic men to gaslight and get away with abuse. I don't know what or who it's all about, but I know what I went through in -my- relationship left me very aware of gaslighting. and the tendency of society to ignore it all.

TW: for psychological abuse and gaslighting.
I was in an abusive relationship with a man for over two years. Looking back now, there were many times where what he did was abhorrent.
But when they were happening, there was always a justification for why it was all -my problem-.

The defense was always if he wasn't -intending- to belittle, mock, tear down, and destroy all of my self worth... then it didn't happen. It's my fault for 'taking things so personally'. Every day. For over 2 years.

The question, "why didn't you leave?" always comes up. I'd just run away from home. I couldn't go back -there-. I had no where else. He knew it.
He said he loved me... all while convincing me that I was unworthy and playing on my insecurities to make me too afraid to be alone.

He found me in a vulnerable state and convinced me to trust him. He date raped me and called it 'being overcome with desire'.
I was so hungry for love and approval that I accepted his excuses.

...

I typed and retyped a lot in that tweet. things he did. little things. Things that may not have been 'that bad'. I don't even want to talk about that...
The important thing is that the way I finally recognized it as abuse. The thing that made it all fall into place?

Was that when I left, I'd been so deprogrammed that I didn't even know who I was anymore. Small decisions terrified me. I felt sure anything I chose would be wrong. I didn't have a sense of self anymore. Convinced nothing I did was possibly that good.

It took a long time to trust myself again. To feel like I was capable of doing things for myself. DH helped me get out of that, and he gave me endless support and patience.
We got pregnant, got married. His parents loved me and that helped ground me too.

I still struggle with adulting. Calling to make appointments, taking care of insurance, finding medical and dental care for the kids. I start to panic and shut down.
I wonder now if me being with my abuser from the age of 19-22 might have cause some really long term damage there.

I lost my point somewhere in this thread. Except to say that society seems to be so ready to forgive an abuser who says he's been misunderstood, and so eager to dismiss a victim who says she's been hurt.
It's more comfortable to minimize the harm than it is to face it.

So believe victims. And don't assume that "just words" and manipulation don't do long term and crippling damage. Bruises heal. Damaged psyches take much longer.