Sometimes when a trans person vents frustration about a family member who deadnames them, refuses to use their pronouns, doesn't want to see them presenting as their gender, etc, a Well-Meaning Liberal will step in and say something like, "can't you two find a middle ground?"

"Your family member loves you very much," the Well-Meaning Liberal says. "Maybe you can compromise until they come around? Let them use your old name for now? Agree not to dress like yourself around them? After all, they've done so much for you..."

I don't think most cis people know just how often the families of trans people use acceptance as a carrot to be dangled in exchange for compliance. 

"I will try to see you if you hide parts of yourself away from me."

And of course it's never enough.

Let me put this bluntly: never ask a trans person to compromise their identity.

They fought hard for every inch of themselves. It is not up for debate or negotiation, ever.

Hell, never ask ANYONE to compromise their identity for the comfort of another person. I mean what???

The saddest part is, many of us will go along with it, even as it wounds us to do so.

We don't want to lose our parents or siblings. We want to believe they're trying, even when they're not. And we often have really low self-esteem and a crippling need for external validation.

I'm SO lucky that I have many accepting family members, but most of my friends do not.

My best friend was deadnamed by her dad as a response to a fathers' day card after she told him that **the only thing she required to maintain that relationship** was to call her by her name.

Still, the Well-Meaning Liberal will tell her to compromise, to give him time, that he'll come around as long as she's willing to put herself through hell for him.

To which, I say: no.

Knowing us is a privilege. Accept us as ourselves, or you will not be a part of our lives.

Also: can we PLEASE stop making movies where adult children forgiving their toxic family members for putting them through hell as a child is treated as a moment of character growth?

There are times when not forgiving someone is the healthy and correct decision.