As a 90’s kid, the BATMAN films meant EVERYTHING to me so when I heard they were going to have an exclusive Melbourne premiere for BATMAN FOREVER I was determined to attend - *play Oceans Eleven heist music* (THREAD - to use the word loosely)

I was working at Food Plus (the store next door!) and Fanta was having a competition giving away tickets if you sent in enough of the specially marked labels...

I bought my bottles (with my staff discount natch) and then hid the rest of the crate making sure they wouldn’t hit the shelves for the duration of the competition. I seemed pretty convinced that Williamstown Food Plus was the MVP for Fanta sales in Australia...

I sent in my wrappers and won tickets! But then twist - I was meant to perform in a school concert that night!

In the days leading up to the concert, I started my long con with a performance worthy of.. maybe not an Oscar but at least a Golden Globe. I coughed. I sniffed. I looked drowsy. “Oh no.. I think I’m coming down with something” *Moulin Rouge 3rd act cough*

I went to the dress rehearsal for the concert with droopy eyes and lethargy - “I’m not sure I’m going to be able to make it tonight…”

Now luckily my parents had gone away to Europe for a month leaving me and my sister home alone. It was the 90’s! Parents did shit like that! There were multiple films about it to support this - the HOME ALONE franchise and DON’T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER’S DEAD among them.

My sister was utterly indifferent to what I might be up to but I needed her to write a letter to the school and call in saying I was sick. I managed to do this via blackmail...

She would write the letter, I wouldn’t tell our parents she was hitting their wine supply while listening to that Nicki French dance remix of Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

With the phone call in place, I took a taxi into the city for a magical night at Village Bourke St (RIP). Kudos to my sister for not ever asking why her practically pre-pubescent brother was getting sick letters forged and going into the city at night on his own.

(This “ask me no questions tell you no lies” aspect of our relationship became vital when I became an underage S&M model… but that’s another story).

As I ascended the Village Bourke St grand stairs with their rainbow painted lines (the peak of 80s design), I of course immediately saw the parent of a friend of mine who had the power to destroy my whole charade...

So I ran through the closest door which of course was the female toilets. Luckily I was an androgynous teen and was able to hide until the coast was clear.

But after that I was free to sit back and enjoy the film. The next day at school I had to continue “recovering” from my illness but also couldn’t tell my nerd film friends about the experience of watching BATMAN FOREVER...

I had to continue pretending I hadn’t seen it and would see it next week with them when it came to cinemas. Then I had to act like I was seeing it all for the first time...

“Oh! Another zinger from Jim Carrey! *forced laughter* Chase has chosen Bruce over Batman - she really is a wonderful psychiatrist!” etc.

After all that - I think it’s a terrible movie but it was all worth it and I’ll always love Joel Schumacher and thank him for all the amazing films.