LONELINESS | A THREAD:

60% 18-34 year olds say they often feel lonely in the UK

Did you know we’re evolutionarily programmed to feel the need to fit in? It was beneficial for ancient humans to be around eachother and we’re hard wired to feel pain when rejected.

Natural selection rewarded us for collaborating and being social. It also taught us which behaviours would ostracise us from our social group were we to continue them. This all informs how we behave and when we feel embarrassed, awakard, shy or lonely.

Now this was fine for humans until we picked up tools and created systems to function within. The environment has changed, but our evolutionary history hasn’t. But by making ourselves aware, we can be in charge of our psychological evolution.

If you’re feeling pain right now because you’ve been rejected, I promise you, you will be fine. The response you’re experiencing is a survival response hardwired into us. I can tell you now you’re going to be ok.

Studies have shown that social skills make practically no difference for adults when it comes to social connections. It’s also important to note that feeling isolated and lonely is personal, and subjective. No one can tell you you aren’t lonely.

Now that we see loneliness as it is - a bodily function (like hunger) - we can deal with it more effectively. What do you do when you’re hungry?

But we all know there are ways to make yourself not feel hungry, that aren’t actually satisfying - and worse that are unhealthy. Social media is like fast food.
You’re after a more substantial meal.

So it’s not to say that you shouldn’t use social media, moreover that if you feel a biological response don’t allow it to isolate you further.

When you’re hungry, you eat. When you’re lonely? Reach out to someone. Don’t have any expectations, it’ll make it easier. But you’ll probably find you’re less lonely than you thought. If possible (lockdown permitting) see them in person. You are in control of your brain.

Loneliness has been proven to be incredibly unhealthy. You age quicker, cancer is deadlier, Alzheimer’s advances faster and your immune system is weaker. Twice as deadly as obesity. As deadly as smoking a pack of cigarettes every day.

Like most states, loneliness can become chronic and self-sustaining. Just you recognising the fact your are lonely and putting yourself out there is you breaking that cycle. It’s extremely important to watch your defense, as this is a probable time for your guard to be up.

This will only serve to isolate you, and perpetuate the cycle. However, in being aware of this - we can actively avoid it happening, and when necessary recognise what is happening and break free.

It’s also worth noting studies show when you’re lonely, you become hyper aware of social signals, yet worse at understanding them; findings particularly showed that neutral expressions are often interpreted as hostile by lonely persons.

Now you know the facts, we know not to assume to worst of others. We know why we have responded this way. And we know that what we want, of course, is to be around people.

Without realising, you may have been putting off meeting people and socialising. It can become a cycle of self-isolation.

So if you can, lockdown-permitting of course, maybe ask someone to go for a walk. Shift your internal narrative wherever possible. Remember if people are busy, it’s not a reflection on you. It will take time.

And reply to this thread. Talk to other people. Share your experiences; find someone in the same city as you that you can meet for a coffee.

Most of all, know this. You may feel lonely. Do not be ashamed. And know that however lonely you may feel, you are never truly alone. Our animal brains just need a software update.

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