Read on Twitter
I& #39;ve done so many "gonna talk about X for a sec" threads lately that I feel like the Mrs. Frizzle of abuser dynamics, but let& #39;s chat about rumor mongering. https://twitter.com/Trungles/status/1275179789129744384">https://twitter.com/Trungles/...
Secrets are a way of establishing trust and intimacy, and many abusers are extremely good at using secrets and rumors to get people to share personal information with them--an exchange of confidences.
Except, of course, it& #39;s not an exchange. The mean things they tell you about other people are not a confidence. They& #39;re just a con. They do two things:
1. Establish you as part of an & #39;in group& #39; with this person, and:
2. encourage you to say mean things too.
1. Establish you as part of an & #39;in group& #39; with this person, and:
2. encourage you to say mean things too.
Because even if all you do is make supportive noises and say "gosh that sounds like a dick move," they can and likely will turn that around and tell someone else that you agreed with them.
They may even tell the person they were gossiping about in the first place.
They may even tell the person they were gossiping about in the first place.
This isolates people from each other. It sews distrust and keeps people from comparing notes.
"This is a secret pact between us," they say, but they have "secret pacts" with everyone, and while they& #39;re telling you that you& #39;re special, they& #39;re telling others you& #39;re trash.
"This is a secret pact between us," they say, but they have "secret pacts" with everyone, and while they& #39;re telling you that you& #39;re special, they& #39;re telling others you& #39;re trash.
And the thing about abusers is that they often use the language and tools of fighting abuse. They know how the whisper network works, and they know it& #39;s a threat to them--so they poison the well.
This is a serious safety concern I have, as someone who has been involved with/run multiple social slacks. The walled garden creates a false sense of security, and people feel free to say things they wouldn& #39;t otherwise say--including venting frustrations.
One of the reasons I strongly recommend curtailing "venting" as a chat group activity is because it breeds an atmosphere that abusers thrive in. They encourage people to say negative things that they can take out of context and weaponize.
And at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own behavior. If I say something mean about someone because I think it won& #39;t get back to them, I still said something mean, and that& #39;s on me. But many abusers make an art form out of soliciting and weaponizing meanness.
And even if they can& #39;t get you to say something mean, they can still make something up.
It& #39;s no coincidence that a lot of people who engage in this particular pattern of abusive behavior are super loud and public about being friends with people whose reputations they trade on.
It& #39;s no coincidence that a lot of people who engage in this particular pattern of abusive behavior are super loud and public about being friends with people whose reputations they trade on.
If you see someone paling around with someone at cons or online, aren& #39;t you more inclined to believe it when they come to you and say "in confidence" that their friend said something mean about you, or someone you care about?
They do this shit on purpose. They establish themselves as people who know what everyone "really" thinks, so they can convince you that they know what everyone "really" thinks of you. Which they, your loyal friend, will tell you, so you& #39;ll know who you can trust.
This is a really effective way of isolating people, because if they can get you to hate/fear/distrust their other victims, or powerful people who could help you out, it& #39;s much easier for abusers to gaslight you and feel like you& #39;re overreacting to their behavior.
It& #39;s much easier for them to make you feel like they& #39;re your only option--for friendship, or professional sponsorship, or romance, or whatever. Within industries based heavily on personal relationships, they can make you feel like they& #39;re your only way in.
We all like to think of ourselves as "too smart" or "too strong" to fall for this bullshit, but I& #39;ll tell you right now that I& #39;m a smart, strong person who& #39;s fallen for it more than once.
My dad used to sing me this song about lemon trees with a lyric like "a sadder man but wiser now, I sing this song to you."
Well, I& #39;m sadder now but wiser as I sing this song to you: this kind of gossip is a red flag.
Well, I& #39;m sadder now but wiser as I sing this song to you: this kind of gossip is a red flag.
And in communities where whisper networks are all we have for protecting each other against abuse, that& #39;s especially poisonous, because how can you tell if someone& #39;s looking out for you or doing this shit?
My advice is to be cautious and to pay attention to patterns. Resist the urge to engage; to return mean opinions for mean opinions as if you& #39;re exchanging currency. Someone trying to look out for you won& #39;t be encouraging you to talk shit.
