I hope I don't regret sharing this deeply painful story.

CN religion, ableism

When I was 16 I knew I wanted to be a priest in the Episcopal church.

Then when I was 26 I was diagnosed with a progressive disease. It affects my hands, my walking, standing & more. I was disabled.

For 5 years I told myself I could never be a priest because I couldn't hold a chalice one-handed & couldn't stand more than 5 minutes.

Then I was elected to serve on leadership boards & to be a delegate to local & int'l church conventions.

My leadership was welcomed & valued.

For 5 years I had grieved that I couldn't be a priest because I was disabled. But when I saw how my leadership was helping the church, I knew I absolutely was qualified to be a priest.

Not despite my disability. It complemented my skills.

So I entered the priesthood process.

That is when I experienced relentless individual & institutional abuse & disability discrimination.

Note: religious institutions are largely exempt from the ADA, yet the Episcopal church has disability nondiscrimination clauses in its constitution.

But...

The Episcopal church requires a psychological eval & medical exam.

The medical exam asks explicitly about history/evidence of disability & for a Dr to report on a stool sample & rectal exam.

When I refused to do these, I was told I wouldn't be moved forward in the process.

The Episcopal church also requires a psych eval, which is clearly performed to discover those with mental illness; from depression onward.

The message is sent that the church wants to weed out those who could be disabled in any way, despite its own nondiscrimination clauses.

In my interviews, I was rarely asked about my theology or leadership.

I was asked:
-Why I wanted to be a priest if I had to take meds
-Why I needed my cane/wheelchair
-If I could keep up with the work
-To explain my disease, meds, symptoms
-Why don't I just volunteer

When I brought up to my supervising priest that the questions were inappropriate & discriminatory, I was told:

- the process is hard, suck it up
- give these lay leaders a break, they're new at this
- talk to your therapist/spiritual advisor

I spent more time defending my humanity than exploring my dream.

I refused to hide my disability so, despite having served in notable church positions internationally, I was told I wasn't valid.

Had I hidden my disability I would've been told I'm a liar & likewise shunned.

The whole process left me severely depressed, traumatized, & broken.

At every step I thought, "It'll get better after this." It didn't.

But my call got stronger, & centered around my disability as my strength.

I could only see how my gifts could help the church grow.

I began to see a Jesus who came back from the dead a disabled man.

I discovered & began writing my own disability liberation theology.

I envisioned myself clearly as a direct connection between people & Jesus through the breaking of the bread (his body...my broken body).

I saw myself in front of a reconfigured altar that was truly accessible, washing my hands not just symbolically but because of their dirtiness after pushing my wheelchair, breaking bread, & truly welcoming everyone to the table.

I shared all this freely & excitingly.

My leadership was celebrated by those who worked with me. Countless people looked up to me.

The only way my disability impacted my ability to lead was through those who chose to use it as a disqualifier.

In the end, I was told I wasn't called to be a priest by folks who, during a final weekend of interviews, repeatedly asked me about my body & whether I would welcome them to "my" table.

...they thought my dream for the altar to include disabled people meant excluding ableds.

I'm no longer part of that institution.

When I see you mocking Trump, or saying, "It would be different if he wouldn't lie about it," you're hitting a deep gash in my heart & making it bleed fresh.

I was open about being disabled. It wasn't different.

It was worse.

Every time you mock Trump, you're repeating what the church did to me.

I was a good leader in the church. Being disabled was not the reason.

Trump is an absolutely awful leader. Being [perceived] disabled is not the reason.