I shouldn't stay silent when everyone else is talking about their abuse, so I guess I'll talk about mine.

I'm still coming to terms with a lot of it, I have only had a year to process it, but here it is.

CW: suicidal ideation, physical violence, gaslighting, drunkeness

We met online, on an online roleplaying forum. I used to joke that she was a mod & I was a member, just like every good fairy tale.

She was & is a therapist, and at the time was in a terribly abusive relationship of her own, with a man who was exploiting her in terrible ways.

I know this to be true because I saw some it secondhand.

Admittedly, she & I started "dating" before he & her had broken up. She was going to leave him. She wanted to be with me. But she was fearful & trying to get in a place where she could leave him safely. Eventually she did.

She thought I wasn't angry enough & that's fair. She had been abused most of her life & I hadn't had that same experience. There were some things I genuinely was much more passive over than her & she didn't get why. So she would intentionally try to provoke me into getting angry.

She did this because I was bottled up. It's true, I was. I was actually angry & I had a lot to be angry about, but I didn't deal with my feelings. So she'd try to get a rise out of me.

"Normal couples fight."

This occurred even before we moved in together & were long distance.

She always said she was jealous. I didn't realize the extent. One time someone on the forum flirted with me. I'm terrible at picking up flirtation & didn't even realize it until she pointed it out. I shouldn't flirt with others or have them flirt with me, why would I hurt her?

There is a lot of nuance that is going to be lost in this thread, a lot of phrasing I'm forgetting from 4 years ago. We did love each other. She was a great joker, genuinely helped her clients & fought for them, & helped me to understand myself better. You need to know that.

Because abusive relationships often have love & joy in them. That's what makes it so hard to see that you're in an abusive relationship for so long. It's easy to justify all of the issues when you're on the inside.

The jealousy did not wane, however, and came to be an issue.

I had just driven us, all by myself as driver (she didn't drive) from Seattle to Boston & back in 9 days. We had one day of rest & then PAX West.

She decided to go through my phone.

I woke up with her asking me who this woman was that I was telling them that I loved her.

It was an old college friend. Someone who I did love & do love. Because it is possible to say I love you to friends & mean it.

But she took it as emotional cheating. She forbid me from talking to that person. "If I ever find out you've spoken to her again, we're breaking up."

So I cut that person out of my life. Ignored her calls, texts, deleted them. Even eventually called her & told her I can't speak to her anymore.

I regret that more than anything else in my life.

My girlfriend was jobless for the first months we moved in, it wasn't her fault.

But this led her to drink a lot, even during the daytime. I, by night, also drank. And I encouraged us to do so. We both did.

There were nights where she said terrible things, and I said terrible things. There was even a night where she grew physically confrontational.

But we never touched each other in anger.

Until PAX East 2017.

It was pre-PAX boardgame night & while playing a game with some friends, the owner of the game either knocked her hand or her grip slipped. I'm pretty sure it was the former but wine spilled on the game & soaked it.

He infamously blew up & threatened to kill her whole family (her brother was there with us). We cleaned up & had some Enforcers help, then went back to our room. I hadn't been drinking as much as her & she started just sort of going off about everything.

I tried to calm her.

Even her brother, who was sharing a room with us, tried to stop. I eventually grew resigned & said just go to sleep. And I told her that. I may have also said "just shut up & go to sleep." I didn't handle it well, honestly.

She proceeded to beat me on the back where I lay.

It wasn't brief. I didn't move. I was resisting her & her anger. I wouldn't give in & it didn't hurt too bad. But I was being hurt.

Eventually she stopped & stormed off. Her brother made apologies. I just tried to go to sleep.

That was the first breach of physical abuse.

One time she threatened me with a knife. We got along great in the kitchen, so that one really hurt emotionally more than anything. Slowly over the next couple years, things sort of devolved.

I would be lying if I didn't have my own role to play in it. I definitely contributed.

Not only through my depression, but there came a time where I shoved her. She'd shoved me before, that was how I justified it. I may also have pushed her down at one point.

We both always made up after those times, found a way to forgive. After all, I'd forgiven the hotel room.

And I'd forgiven her because I loved her. Because she protected me from another abuser at that very PAX East. Because she said "I love you more than yesterday."

We were determined to be together forever. Her plan was "a man, a dog, an apartment" & I was fully on board with it.

She met my friend Clay at I think PAX East 2016. Clay was a good guy. He considered me his best friend & I in turn came to consider him mine.

The 3 of us would often hang out together when we could, even outside of PAX, even though he lived in Victoria BC. We'd visit each other.

It was someone in our friend group who first made the "hey, if Riley dies, at least she has Clay" joke. They told me there was no truth to it. Even as they laughed.

And I believed them. Why wouldn't I? I loved them.

But over the years, it got to me & I had to be reassured.

I noticed how the two of them walked together when we hung out towards the end of our relationship. How I often felt like a third wheel.

When she broke up with me March of last year, she said she wanted to live on her own, that she had always dated someone else & needed not to.

And I knew it was true. She was scared. She was on the precipice of doing the thing she genuinely needed to do. She apologized. "I wish it wasn't you that it took me to realize this. Maybe, one day, when we're both better, we can find each other again. I want to remain friends."

She would never date Clay. He'd slept with too many of our mutual friends, she said. She didn't want to think about how gross that was. And I trusted her.

Just as I trusted her when she said she might date Clay now, but she wasn't sure. I didn't like it, but I tried to be okay.

She promised that if she did, they'd never do anything in front of me. Then, on the way home from her 30th birthday party, in the back of our uber, they held each other's hands.

Why was I so upset? It was just hand holding. It's not like they'd kissed. I was being unreasonable.

I told Clay "fuck you" to his face. Repeatedly. Then slammed the door & locked it. I didn't care if they slept together in the den. I was done.

Instead, they went to a motel because I didn't make them feel safe there & I was acting "like a monster." I asked to talk to her alone.

"Anything you can say to Clay you can say to me."

"I don't feel safe talking to you. You're manipulative."

"You're not a real feminist, you think Clay is forcing me away from you."

I couldn't. I wasn't. He was, but I didn't mean that she was robbing her of agency in all this.