I’ve known since I was a kid. But teachers and counselors didn’t understand. Sometimes I’d have absolutely no trouble starting a task. Other times, I would spend hours procrastinating instead of doing homework. I would get home, and it would be like flipping a coin. https://twitter.com/indiefilmdebut/status/1274430561747111937

On top of it, i have dysgraphia, which makes it incredibly hard to write and type. It’s like ADHD specifically for words. I’ll be thinking about what I’m typing, and think about the next sentence, and start typing it half way through the first sentence.

Sometimes, I’ll think about changing a word as I’m typing it, and instead I’ll mash two words together. I might do that regardless. Just the other day, “fundamentally less” became “fundameless.” So when I WAS able to start on schoolwork, it didn’t necessarily go well.

Coupling the two disorders with the stress they both caused me, there were many nights where I got home at 2:30 pm, and come 10:00, I’d be sitting in front of my work, crying. Half the time, I can’t start work, and the times that I can, it’s like I’m a broken keyboard.

You know when your phome messes up words? Or autocorrect screws you over, and you get annoyed? Imagine if your brain did that, EVERY time you write. I was so bad, i actually built up an aversion to schoolwork.

I would go out of my way to avoid it, or I’d lie about not having any. Not because of ADHD, or i was being stubborn. I just didn’t want to sit there and cry. And knowing I was doing that made me feel worse. I cried anyways. I thought I was a failure.

I would cry myself to sleep, thinking I was broken. I would go in the mext day with untouched papers, and I’d get sent to my counselor. “Zak, you’re one of the brightest kids in the school. You just need to apply yourself. What’ll you do when you get a job?”

I was treated as lazy. They knew about my attention disorder, and they wrote it off as lazy. They knew about the dysgraphia too. But they never cared. My mother practically threatened to sue the school before they allowed me any assistance. A scribe, extra time on tests.

And then, sometimes when I asked for help with it, the teachers ignored me. “Just copy what’s on the board.” The system misunderstood and mistreated me. And it ruined me. I grew up depressed, feeling broken, and not trusting people that much.

I didn’t want to get close to people, because I feared that if they saw how broken I was, I’d be left behind. This carried through all the way to highschool. I’d been screwed by the district. Mistreated by teachers. Belittled by counselors. I grew up angry. Angry and sad.

People started avoiding me now. I was that brooding kid in the corner of the class. The one who always snapped at people. The one who was always sulking. Stress would cause me to lash out, and rumors would fly about me being violent.

In the earlier years; I was bullied for being different. “Oh, ignore the bullies. They’ll stop.” Throughout highschool, they avoided me to. My neighbor, who I grew up with, was warned about me being dangerous. I was angry. I was depressed. I felt like a failure, and wanted to die

The mistreatment by the schools ruined me. I honestly didn’t grow up very happy. Even when I was smiling, it hurt so much. Being treated like a fuck up, by the people that were supposed to teach me, absolutely destroyed me. I have self esteem issues to this day.

There are still nights, when I cry myself to sleep, because I feel like I’m letting everyone down. There are days, when I wake up at 6 am, And I stay in bed until 6 in the evening, because I just can’t be bothered.

So, to anyone like me who sees this: you’re not alone. You’re never alone. There will ALWAYS be people who’ll help you if you look. And to everyone else, please be those people. Nobody should have to feel this broken.