Tw: medication, ADHD, mental health
.
.
.
.
Not to over share, but I just want to talk a bit about ADHD, medication, and some of my own experiences.

It’s not a big deal or anything, I just feel like talking about this helps.

It feels like ADHD medication is still taboo and often framed as something bad or “scary”. So...idk hopefully sharing stories helps.

So I’ve been on Vyvanse for about 3 years now. In the past, I had been prescribed Ritalin and then Aderall, but neither of those worked for me.

Ritalin made me into a zombie—I felt heavily sedated, like my brain was buried in cement in a foggy field somewhere.

Aderall was too short and hit all at once, and cause me to literally fall asleep within two hours of taking it, followed by feeling totally dazed afterwards.

The difference between them was that Ritalin wouldn’t make me tired, it would just like.....weigh me down. Like my brain was muffled. The opposite of clarity of mind.
Whereas Aderall just knocked me straight out, but didn’t fog my brain, really.

These reactions aren’t super common—Ritalin and Aderall are stimulants. That means that USUALLY, the expected side effects are anxiety, insomnia, irritability, etc.

However, stimulants have the opposite effect on me. They’re like sedatives.

I switched doctor and started seeing an ADHD specialist, and she’s been wonderful.

She started me on a baby dose of Vyvanse.

Typically, the starting dose for Vyvanse is 30mg, for adults.

She started me on 10 for a few days, then 20 the week after, and ending the month on 30. This allowed the medication to build in my system, rather than hitting me all at once and knocking me out.

Some background info here:

I was terrified of ADHD medication. I was terrified of any medication for mental health, as I grew up in a household that condemned any medication for mental health.

I was told horror stories about addition and get to worse... anyway.

This is why I feel it’s important to talk about it.

So, moving on...

I was in 30mg for a while. My doctor tried to bring me up to 40mg, but it was causing my brain to have like... “blanks”, kind of?

I don’t know how else to explain it

So I went back down to 30.

My doctor (being super chill) let me have an extra prescription for 10mg every month, that I COULD fill with my 30mg, so I could slowly work my way up to 40mg at my own pace.

This was wonderful.

On days where I had a lot to do, I took 40mg and I didn’t notice any of the adverse side effects I had felt previously. My brain was occupied enough to just do its thing.

However, I did notice I was still struggling at 40mg with paying attention, executing tasks, etc.

It was *better* just not enough.

I would combine it with caffeine (a horrible idea) to get it done out of sheer anxiety and way too much energy (again—not a great idea).

I made it through the year like this, but it wasn’t sustainable. I was exhausted all the time because I was basically bullying my brain into working by feeding it caffein until the anxiety of inaction forced me toward action.

Given my track record for avoidance, this was bad.

I would either:

• have my work done, but my apartment in shambles, dead plants, missed phone calls—avoidance everywhere other than school/work

Or

• no work done, but the house is spotless, my health is taken care of, etc

Notice:

I have not uploaded a single YouTube video since I started school. This is what I’m talking about—it was the ability to tend to only one single thing at a time, which becomes dangerous quickly, as it leave my health, social life, and environment in shambles.

I realized that I need to be able to balance at least a few more things. Like health and school, for example.

So now, I’m a few days into 50mg instead of 40mg. There have been some some pros and cons.

The pros are: I’m able to check my emails without feeling like I’m going to die. I’m able to clean up after myself without much thought. Things just feel less intense.

The cons are: ....things feel less intense, and that isn’t always good lmao.
My brain feels like it has a band around it—I have a feeling that I can’t discrihe other than “boxed in”.
Like my brain is on a train track.

I’m also having to fight to urge to fall asleep.

HOWEVER.... (and this is important, which is something I hope helps others who feel scared when they go through medication adjustments)

I’ve learned that:

1- adjustment periods take time. The way I feel the first week isn’t always the way I feel forever. It’s okay to wait and see how this progresses.

2- sometimes the feeling of drowsiness comes from a sort of mental inertia.

The mental inertia is important, and that’s mainly where I was going with this lmao. So let me explain...

Before I get into my rambling— I’m not a doctor lmao. This isn’t medical advice. This is me explaining my own experiences, and talking about how I’ve come to understand the things that I experience.

So...

Inertia is “the resistance of any physical object to any change in its velocity.” (Ex: changes to the object's speed, or direction of motion)

Think of like...the lurching forward feeling when you hit the brakes in a car. You were moving so fast that stopping feels abrupt.

(Another example that might help is: when you’re stirring water and it continues to move even once you’ve stopped stirring... and how counter stirring or trying to hold your spoon in place without moving it is met with resistance until the liquid slows down and stops)

ADHD can feel a lot like being in a car that is going TOO FAST.

I’m zooming through stop signs, missing my exits, and this car is going WAY too fast to stop and read the map that I need in order to find my way—how am I supposed to understand that map when I’m driving SO FAST?

Medication feels like the breaks.

Too much, and the car stops entirely. Sure, I’m not speeding anymore, but also I’m not even moving.

This is what the wrong medication feels like to me.

Hitting the breaks too abruptly causes me to lurch forward—sometimes, if I’m going REALLY fast, then ANY use of the breaks will cause me to lurch forward.

This is what adjusting to medication feels like to me lmao.

So now—what the hell does any of this mean lmao

Well—firstly, talk to your doctor before listening to a stranger on the Internet. I’m not qualified to give anyone any medical advice, I’m just sharing what has helped me.

But also...

It can be scary when we don’t know what to expect or why we’re feeling the way we do.

I’ve had doctors tell me that adjustment periods and side effects are normal—but when it’s happening, it still freaks me out because *why do I feel like this if this is supposed to help me*

Thinking about it in terms of like... resistance to movement? Idk it just makes more sense to me and freaks me out a little less lmao.

Cool thanks for coming to this totally long weird ramble

Oh, also—

Similarly to how the brakes on a truck won’t be suitable for a bicycle (and vice versa)—what works or doesn’t work for ME has nothing to do with whether or not it will or won’t work for YOU.

I know people for whom Aderall has been amazing—just because something didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Ok cool good talk