4 of my classes for the fall have been moved online, including the one with the prof. which means i will never get to see him in person ever again (& our last sighting, although i doubt he'll remember this, was on my worst hair day in my entire life). i feel very torn bc from a

health & safety perspective, absolutely this is a great call. from a selfish perspective, i want to cry. being in person for my classes is truly all i live for. idk if i can handle being at home for another several months like the emotional toll this has taken on me……… im at

a point where i feel so drained i just want to *** & knowing i had the rest of the summer to go, was killing me. knowing i have to be like this until maaaybe january now… i honestly dont know what im going to do. i feel so selfish being upset but being emotionally abused all day

every single day for months & months & months & not getting an escape is so fricking difficult sometimes!!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!! my issue isnt the school's decision at ALL bc i definitely want to be safe, esp because the prof is 60 and i want him safe at all costs but i just… want the

pandemic to end… i want to be able to go out safely again & i want people to stop being hurt & sick & dying!!!! every single thing i do in my house im screamed at for. i made a pun about popsicles & was told i hate freedom & should be stoned to death in north korea. and i have

to hear this nonstop… being told how horrible of a person i am…how im so evil & worthless & whenever i get sad because of all the screaming, im worthless, ungrateful, entitled… and they never STOP they say such vile things about me, mostly to my face but sometimes they dont

know i can hear and say such horrible things behind my back too. i know deep down my mom loves me, but she hates everything i am as a person, and my d*d just… full on hates me. they just pick fights, mostly i wont even say anything at all and theyll just start & keep going until

i break (eg my d*d saying horrible horrible horrible things about black people knowing i will say that isnt true so he can scream at me… id call him out sooner but im so SCARED for my safety to rock the boat… ugh!!& i cant afford to leave and if i were to leave, esp under these

conditions, i genuinely believe i would be in much greater physical danger than i am in now by staying here… esp bc i want to go to grad school and im getting the feeling that they wont let me so im going to have to rebel to pursue my dreams… assuming i can even get in bc i

feel so depressed i cant even study or work on anything!!!!! i just… like again im not complaining about what the school did. this policy WILL save lives. i guess my issue is more that i have a really hard home life. maybe to some it isnt bad; there are definitely a lot of parts

i dont feel comfortable sharing online like this is just what i am comfortable saying… so idk what vibe it gives off to ppl… but UGHHHHH everyone always says oh the pain will stop things will get better… i hate when people say that bc that legit isnt even always true & it

doesnt negate what im / anyone else is going through now… it just feels invalidating. i get peoples point but in my case, i genuinely dont know. perhaps i get rejected from all the grad programs i apply to and am stuck at home until i get pushed over the edge & just…………

or maybe i'll get into one and want to move out to go there & he gets so mad he tries to honest to god **** me like i dont actually think either option will happen, these are extremes, but the fact is they arent as unlikely as id like them to be. what most likely will end up

happening is they tell me no i cant go, i beg, they say no, he kicks me out again & this time… i leave & can never, ever come back. my mom will talk to me secretly & they will fight over me (him saying im dead to him and to stop, her begging to let me back in their lives again)

& then who knows whatll happen after that. i wont be able to come home for summers nor will i be able to come there as a safety net. it's honestly scary, despite how much i hate him. so idk. this is very long & insane but im just…… so sad. idk. idk why im sharing this even???

like i'll prob go back and delete it later so im sorry about this it's just so difficult sometimes & it just feels like there legit isnt anything good to look forward to, or all the good things require major sacrifice… like literally possibly (albeit unlikely) ***** which is so

extreme of a thing to just go to grad school and again ive probably sabatoged my odds of that by not working hard enough in my classes + not studying enough for the gre (on top of not coming from a good school or being the smartest) and i definitely do acknowledge that it's like

oh you were so depressed you couldnt move so you got a few bs & turned in some stuff a bit late but then it's also like dang just work harder mental illness really is technically in your head but then also it's like yeah ik im TRYING MY BEST like therapy i take very seriously +

medication + focusing on my flaws and trying to find the root of them & how to improve on them. but my best just isnt enough. & i think a lot of it is bc of my home situation but what if it isnt? what if i move out & get the freedom & safety i spent my whole life dreaming about &

im still depressed?? i still cant keep up? grad profs arent as understanding as the literal angels i have had… ugh idk. twitter is saying j cant add much more to this thread so i will shut up now !!!! again will prob delete later and im sorry but also no one needs to read this

idk why i made it i just felt the need to get it out idk im sorry!!!