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I have lost my temper on set about 5 times. Three of those times, it turns out, was because a producer I thought was my friend had been manipulating and gaslighting me for over a year. In 2008-9. And I only figured it out a few years ago.
It started out subtle. He got more brazen once he realized he loved riling me up.
“Oh so and so was just here. He was saying you don’t know how to light.” “Oh I overheard everyone saying you messed up XYZ.”
All lies.
He targeted my imposter syndrome & tapped it like a keg
“Oh so and so was just here. He was saying you don’t know how to light.” “Oh I overheard everyone saying you messed up XYZ.”
All lies.
He targeted my imposter syndrome & tapped it like a keg
He praised me a LOT, and recommended me for jobs, keeping up appearances as a benefactor, while lying and pushing my limits. I started feeling IMMENSE pressure. He guilted me into feeling I owed him. His wife guilted me when I didn’t come around to their house enough
This was near the very beginning of my illness symptoms too, I was getting more and more tired when I was on set. I started getting stress migraines. My body was on edge. I didn’t know why. I felt constantly anxious and sick and angry
I wasn’t acting like myself. I flew I to anger SO quickly. And fought hard to hold myself in. I developed an ego I didn’t know I had, based on his weird praise and manipulation. I was lashing out and didn’t know why. I didn’t recognize myself
And yet still. STILL the only time I lost my temper was under extreme mental and physical duress. And my losing my temper, I mean being kinda bitchy.
I don’t understand men who scream and scream on film sets. I don’t get it.
I don’t understand men who scream and scream on film sets. I don’t get it.
The other two times I got bitchy was when I was in INCREDIBLE pain. And I still feel HORRIBLE ABOUT IT. It’s still something that keeps me up some nights. That I was rude to someone on set. I still feel like I should have been able to control myself even as I was breaking down.
I am realizing now that I absolutely have PTSD from that year and it explains a lot of my anxieties and tension on set, especially when I am in pain or tired.
I guess that’s why I get angry at screamers.
I feel like being the fun, calm presence on set was robbed from me.
no point to this thread, other than: it’s just a movie. Be kind to each other
I feel like being the fun, calm presence on set was robbed from me.
no point to this thread, other than: it’s just a movie. Be kind to each other
(Btw seems like he is no longer in film anymore, never made it out to LA thank goodness)
