There are predators in the TV industry. That’s nothing new. I feel fortunate that my champions and mentors were just those. But I’m following the debate within the games industry about networking and parties with interest.

It’s brought back a rash of uncomfortable memories that I’m revisiting with a new understanding. Particularly events that are host to ‘new talent’. Those waters are filled with sharks. Circling you. At best, some of them are just bullshit merchants peddling wares. At worst...

And I’m considering now what responsibility the hosts of these events should be taking to ensure the safety of the new talent they’re throwing into a pool along with ‘contacts’ and ‘alcohol’.

I won a competition. I won’t name it but I appreciate a swift google would find out. It took me abroad and got me into events and parties. I was relentlessly hassled by a...I guess a ‘producer’ but like many ‘freelance producers’ could be a fucking car salesman for all I knew.

It began at the after party of the event where I - as competition winner - had been star of the show. He made a bee line for me. Talked about my clothes. Talked about my looks. I was 20 but instantly knew this wasn’t cool.

He wanted to take me for lunch to discuss ‘projects’. He kept touching my back. I did what I used to do to boys at the time, to avoid confrontation or - god forbid - causing offence. I gave him my number and left.

So the next day there’s a whole series of events. I’ve travelled across the world to come to this thing, but I get to the door and can’t go in. Can’t face it. What if I see him? He didn’t *harm* me but it made me feel so uncomfortable and gross and how would I avoid ‘lunch’?

So I turn around and I go to Macey’s, and I get on the Staten Island ferry at lunch time so I’m literally not on the same island as him when he texts me suggesting a restaurant. I ignore the messages. I have a day of tourism. No one checks in on me. I’m an adult, why should they?

No one noticed I was gone, and that was a relief in some ways. In other ways I found myself wondering about the duty of care. Yes I’m an adult... but you brought me here. Do you have zero responsibility for making sure I’m ok? Maybe. Idk.

Now I think back on it, I don’t even know if I’d have said anything if it happened to me now. It’s not a feeling I’m unfamiliar with. I’ve felt it before and I’ve felt it since. ‘Unease.’ Skin crawling anxiety that the person ‘networking’ with you is coming on to you.

But you don’t know for sure. Instances like that competition where this man went as far as to touch me and make comments about my appearance were at list bare faced enough that I could take action. Even if that was to deprive myself of the experience I’d won.

But those instances are less frequent than the nameless instinct that something bad is happening. But not quite so bad that you feel comfortable telling anyone about it.

But like I said, if what happened at that comp happened now, I’m still not sure I’d say. Because I’d still feel like the organisers have no responsibility for me or for their guests. I’d still feel too mortified and visible to turn up the next day.

It’s still why I don’t like going to events alone. And here I come back to the organisation. I don’t go to tv Xmas parties anymore. Not because they’re dangerous, they’re often lovely. But I have no easy way of finding out if anyone I know is going. Or anyone I’m afraid of.

It’s not really the done thing to go on twitter ‘hey! Who’s going to x company’s drinks???’ But how else do women find out? God the research I do before going to these things...

It’s so exhausting and worrying I just don’t anymore.

I can deal with awkward situations. I can interact with strangers. This isn’t about awkwardness. This is about being asked to walk into a room not knowing who else is walking into it with you. Knowing it’s a good room to be in, but being afraid of who else is in it.

I don’t know what the solution is. Tv people will read this like ‘oh so so so No parties????’ If I ask for anything, it’s for party and events organisers to bear in mind the fears of 50% of their attendees. To take some responsibility.

Because I’m not the only woman I know who doesn’t like going to these things anymore. And what a way to exacerbate the white boys club, contact-making atmosphere in this industry, than taking no precautions to keep their female attendees safe, or confident in their safety.

Final PS to this but god it’s worse for actresses. I was at a party once and was sat next to a young actress and the fawning and the touching and the attention she was subjected to by various men was harrowing. I asked her if she was ok. And she just looked at me like

She was wry and savvy about it and asked me if I was ok and we just sort of d at each other for a moment and then got back to our own conversations. I have no idea whether she thought that was normal or not. But I was just like....jfc.