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I remember one night after my induction, I was back home, sitting at my laptop, reading late into the night.
When all of a sudden I hear stomping downstairs, someone running, fast and heavy footsteps, as if being chased.
DUM! DUM!! DUMM!!!
A thread.
When all of a sudden I hear stomping downstairs, someone running, fast and heavy footsteps, as if being chased.
DUM! DUM!! DUMM!!!
A thread.
I ignore it, thinking maybe it's our neigbours playing around in their compound or something, you know when you're just too busy to care.
Before I can refocus on my laptop, my mother suddenly begins to call out to me from her room. “Olamide!! Olamide!!”, there's a certain level
Before I can refocus on my laptop, my mother suddenly begins to call out to me from her room. “Olamide!! Olamide!!”, there's a certain level
of alarm in her voice, we've been burgled twice before, so my brain quickly sharps up. I rush out to find her exiting her room, tying her wrappers and running downstairs, “Follow me now, come now, There is a snake!”
My mind reels, “What?! A snake?!”, we quickly arrive
My mind reels, “What?! A snake?!”, we quickly arrive
at the front door, me, my brother and my mum, to find our tenant, Iya precious, panting and breathless at our door. Iya Precious is the woman that lives in our BQ, about the same age as my mother, her handbag in one hand, an electric lamp in the other.
Apparently, she returned from work and on her way back to her quarters, at the back of the house, she had come across a snake.
“Come and help me, biko, my son!”, she pleads with me, “There is a snake at the back of the house”
“Come and help me, biko, my son!”, she pleads with me, “There is a snake at the back of the house”
In my mind, I’m wondering, “My brother is just as tall as I am, and he’s right here beside me, why don’t you just ask him? What do I have that he doesn’t have? Besides, I’m a doctor. Nigeria needs doctor, my brother is nothing significant yet, take him. If a snake bites him
he’s easily dispensable!”
“Go and help her!’, my mum goads me, I'm surprised, this woman will just sacrifice her son like that, her first son, her only doctor son. Chai! Men have suffered oo, even with medical degree they've turned me to snake-catcher cos I'm tall and muscular.
“Go and help her!’, my mum goads me, I'm surprised, this woman will just sacrifice her son like that, her first son, her only doctor son. Chai! Men have suffered oo, even with medical degree they've turned me to snake-catcher cos I'm tall and muscular.
“Let me go and bring Omorogun*, so you’ll use it to kill it”, she adds.
I quickly tell my mum not to worry, what the hell can a turning stick* do against a snake?! Turning stick that is not even long, the snake will just bite me yamayama.
I quickly tell my mum not to worry, what the hell can a turning stick* do against a snake?! Turning stick that is not even long, the snake will just bite me yamayama.
I pick an umbrella, while my brother wields a broom, a very long one. We go into formation, I in front, my brother at the rear, with Iya Precious sandwiched between us, giving us directions to the location of the snake as we all slowly tiptoed into battle with this mighty beast.
As we approach the dark place, Iya Precious begins to get impatient with us, “Move fast na, the snake still dey front!”, in my mind I’m like “Move faster to where?! Where snake dey?! Biko dem no dey rush that kain thing oo! Iya Precious! Don’t rush me! They don't rush Doctors o”
So we’re tiptoeing small small, the garden and the fence to our right, a million places a snake could be hiding, and there's no light because Nepa is being Nepa. Suddenly it dawns on, in medical school we’re trained that when a patient comes to you with a problem,
before you even attempt to solve the problem, you're supposed to ask essential details about the problem first. A vital step I ignored.
So as we slowly advance I nudge Iya Precious behind me, “Mummy Precious, the snake wey you see? Shey e big?!”
So as we slowly advance I nudge Iya Precious behind me, “Mummy Precious, the snake wey you see? Shey e big?!”
“Haa! The snake no big like that ooo!”, she says as she hides behind me, still pushing me forward. See this is what I hate about pidgin, which one is “the snake no big like that ooo!” . Pidgin is full of useless statements like that. A question like “You dey commot?”
, generates a response like “No, I dey come.”, while the answerer is clearly seen walking away. Now I'm hunting a venomous beast with fangs and I'm hearing something like "the snake no big like that" . Oh! The snake no big like that, the snake just big small.
How useful an information. Chai! What have I gotten myself into?!
My brother can sense my discomfort with Iya Percious’ reply, so he shouts out from behind me, “Don’t worry, I am behind you”, he says as he raises his broom in solidarity. Somebody that is mad.
My brother can sense my discomfort with Iya Percious’ reply, so he shouts out from behind me, “Don’t worry, I am behind you”, he says as he raises his broom in solidarity. Somebody that is mad.
Giving me support from behind the frontlines.
When we finally reach the front of her quarters where she saw the snake, there are a lot of overhanging ropes from the cloth lines, the metal scaffolding that held up the water tanks too was just to our left,
When we finally reach the front of her quarters where she saw the snake, there are a lot of overhanging ropes from the cloth lines, the metal scaffolding that held up the water tanks too was just to our left,
, so many things shaped like tubes and ropes all around us.
And it was all so dark, the only sound was generator noise in the distance, the snake could be anywhere, and bite me in the head or neck, venom going straight into my brain, brain that I'm still managing.
And it was all so dark, the only sound was generator noise in the distance, the snake could be anywhere, and bite me in the head or neck, venom going straight into my brain, brain that I'm still managing.
Suddenly Iya previous shouts “Yeee!”, from behind me and begins to run.
My brother too flings his broom and takes off. I’m confused, my heart suddenly revs like a Danfo engine. I don’t know what is happening. Did somebody get bitten?! Did someone see the snake?!
My brother too flings his broom and takes off. I’m confused, my heart suddenly revs like a Danfo engine. I don’t know what is happening. Did somebody get bitten?! Did someone see the snake?!
As a Black man, and more importantly, as a Yoruba boy, if you’re familiar with us, you’ll know our DNA no too dey ask question before we begin run.
People will say we were cowardly, we're not brave men, Ogbeni, who you epp!
People will say we were cowardly, we're not brave men, Ogbeni, who you epp!
Because I'm a man I should be dancing Makosa with death abi. Eyin toxic masculinity oshi.
I just remember turning around and running too. As I'm running, I can hear my mum’s voice from inside the house, behind her kitchen window,
I just remember turning around and running too. As I'm running, I can hear my mum’s voice from inside the house, behind her kitchen window,
she’s shouting, “What is happening?! Olamide, have you seen it?!”, I don’t answer, me that I’m just running.
We finally get to a corner of the fence, as we huddle together to catch our breath we look up to Iya Precious, “What happened? Did you see the snake?!”
We finally get to a corner of the fence, as we huddle together to catch our breath we look up to Iya Precious, “What happened? Did you see the snake?!”
“No ooo!! I did not see it oo, but my spirirt told me it was around there”, she replies.
What?! This hysterical woman nearly gives me a heart attack and she did not see anything?! She was merely shouting because we were approaching the area where she saw the snake.
What?! This hysterical woman nearly gives me a heart attack and she did not see anything?! She was merely shouting because we were approaching the area where she saw the snake.
“Look! Look!! Look at it, I’ve seen it!”my brother suddenly calls out, as he points hs lamp behind a chair.
I tense, tighly gripping the umbrella, ready to face a spitting-Cobra.
I can still hear my mother shouting from behind the kitchen window,
I tense, tighly gripping the umbrella, ready to face a spitting-Cobra.
I can still hear my mother shouting from behind the kitchen window,
“Have you seen it? Kill it oo!! Don’t let it escape!! Don’t let it bite you! Kill it ooo!”
My brother sees it clearly first, from a safe distance he points, “That is it!”, I squint hard but I cannot see it, "I should have brought my glasses, now snake will bite me because I’m
My brother sees it clearly first, from a safe distance he points, “That is it!”, I squint hard but I cannot see it, "I should have brought my glasses, now snake will bite me because I’m
blind. Haa! I’m in trouble”, I think to myself.
But then I look harder beneath the chair, and just by the corner of the wall, is a small black ribbon, the shape of a shoelace . Ahan! Is this the snake?! Or are my eyes playing tricks on me?!
But then I look harder beneath the chair, and just by the corner of the wall, is a small black ribbon, the shape of a shoelace . Ahan! Is this the snake?! Or are my eyes playing tricks on me?!
I angrily look away from the nonsense and turn to Iya Precious, “Na earthworm be dis na!!”, I shout.
“Na snake oo. Na snake oo!!’ she’s crying out. I turn again to look at the pitiful nonsense that these women are using to stress me.
“Na snake oo. Na snake oo!!’ she’s crying out. I turn again to look at the pitiful nonsense that these women are using to stress me.
“Guy, you wan kill am?!’, I say to my eager brother, his eyes are already lighting up at the prospect of killing snake, he’s the farmer of the family, he always liked these sort of things, anything involving plants and aanimals.
I deftly raise the chair and in one fell swoop,
I deftly raise the chair and in one fell swoop,
brother mine brings his broom down upon the snake, once, twice, thrice!
The snake writhes and twists in its final moments.
Suddenly, mother that has been shouting from the kitchen comes out behind the kitchen door, a bottle of anointing oil in her hand.
The snake writhes and twists in its final moments.
Suddenly, mother that has been shouting from the kitchen comes out behind the kitchen door, a bottle of anointing oil in her hand.
“The plans of the wicked ones shall not prevail!”, she announces, “They cannot get us, God is on our side!", my mother that was hiding inside kitchen since, suddenly starts giving us orders, and quickly spins it spiritual.
“They cannot get us, Go and bring Kerosene.
“They cannot get us, Go and bring Kerosene.
Snake is a powerful animal. We must burn it!”
Burn what?! Until we burn down the house abi? I'm too angry to even interfere, these people just wasted my time to come and pursue earthworm now they want me to burn it.
Me that I was ready for Spitting Viper or River Anaconda,
Burn what?! Until we burn down the house abi? I'm too angry to even interfere, these people just wasted my time to come and pursue earthworm now they want me to burn it.
Me that I was ready for Spitting Viper or River Anaconda,
my brain was already telling me how to swing umbrella and run if the thing overpowers me, my brain was already calculating how I would have to quickly push my brother or Iya Precious in front, if it's an Anaconda, let the snake eat them. Now I came and met earthworm-sized snake
Iya Precious went further to call us back to walk her into her house, the woman just dey stress us.
As soon as we opened the door to her room again she screamed, my life flashed before my eyes, in my mind I’m like “Maybe we killed the baby snake and the mama snake is inside
As soon as we opened the door to her room again she screamed, my life flashed before my eyes, in my mind I’m like “Maybe we killed the baby snake and the mama snake is inside
I grabbed my umbrella again, ready to defend myself and myself alone. My brain did not even consider Iya percious. Who she help?
Turns out there was no snake again,just a cockroach. If Iya Precious is not careful
Turns out there was no snake again,just a cockroach. If Iya Precious is not careful
, I will personally go and buy original Viper and put under her generator. Does she think we’re playing here?!
And I’m just dreading how long morning devotion will be tomorrow morning, my mother will wage heavy war against all spiritual snakes in high places
And I’m just dreading how long morning devotion will be tomorrow morning, my mother will wage heavy war against all spiritual snakes in high places
We will have anointing oil for Breakfast, she will drench the entire compound in Olive, I'm sure.
I was traumatized all night, couldn’t go pee in the toilet bowl. Kept imagining a snake leaping out of the WC and biting my Vuvuzela.
I was traumatized all night, couldn’t go pee in the toilet bowl. Kept imagining a snake leaping out of the WC and biting my Vuvuzela.
My other stories https://twitter.com/DRedmosquito/status/1274070217774284800?s=19
