So, as you know, I've been thinking a lot about identity. No one ever taught me lessons about identity in school. No one ever taught me how to figure out who I was. They taught me to be kind, to comply, and
to get good grades. But no one ever taught me about who I really was.

And I can see now, in my 38th year of life, the real consequences of this. I did not really claim my own Queerness until I was in my first serious relationship, which eventually turned into my marriage, which fairly recently has come to an end.

And I can see now the real danger in wrapping your Queer identity completely around your first Queer relationship, if you have not first done the work to understand that part of your identity and define that part of who you are on your own.

Because what can happen is that the Queer part of your identity becomes dependent on that relationship. And so, it can cause you to ignore a whole lot of warning signs and red flags that otherwise would show you that this relationship might not be right for you.

I often wonder, what would have been different in my life if I had some experience with identity work as a kid. If I was allowed to think about my identity, my sexual orientation, before I was ever in a relationship. If I had time and space to understand what it meant to be gay.

If I had been allowed to fully form my understanding of myself as a lesbian before entering into a relationship, would I have been more willing to let go of a relationship that led to me deny my own desires, ambitions, feelings, and wants in order to make someone else happy?

If my understanding of myself as a lesbian had been solidified earlier, would I have been more willing to let go of a toxic relationship without fearing that I would also be letting go of my identity as a lesbian in the only way I had been able to define it?

I will never regret the path that my life took because, ultimately, it brought me to my daughter, who is the single most important piece of my heart. But I do wonder who I would have been if someone had helped me to discover who I really was, in every facet of identity, sooner.

I've been thinking about all of this a lot as I have been planning on more identity work for my students this coming year. I think about how our work in the classroom is often focused on so many things that will not impact a child's life outside of our classroom.

I think about the power that our work might hold, if we shifted our focus onto the things that matter more. Onto the work of helping our students figure out who they are, figure out all parts of themselves and how they matter in this world.

I think about how much better we could make kids' lives if only we took the time to help them discover who they really are. And this is the work I want to take on this year. This is the work that feels most important.