I’m watching Hook For the first time, so I’m gonna live tweet my thoughts so I don’t keep talking during this movie. I’m gonna tweet my thoughts so far to catch up.

1. I miss Robin Williams.

2. Maybe I’m too old but I identify with him so bad. His family wants to be able to fly to England but don’t want him to work??

3. A 5 BILLION DOLLAR DEAL?! BITCH YOU BETTER GIVE HIM BACK HIS PHONE

Goddamn how old is Maggie Smith? She’s like 9,000,000 years old in this movie and she was ancient in Harry Potter. How long has she been old?

Julie Roberts is Tinkerbell? No one tells me anything

Yo why is it always played off like people who work are bad guys? How the fuck do you think these people put their kids in these nice ass houses? Not through love and family fucking togetherness. FFS

Williams was such a goddamn pro that he’s supposed to be looking all awkward about imitating a pirate but he just looks like he’s doing an amazing impression

Oh shit Hook despises his sycophants and says it outright and they still cheer for him. THERE’S A MESSAGE HERE.

Am I supposed to love Hook? Because I love Hook. All hail Dustin fucking Hoffman.

I feel like Peter’s inability to fly is supposed to be an analogy for erectile dysfunction. If it isn’t, just let me have this.

This man’s little bastard kids just said “c’mon, Daddy! Mommy could do it!”

Leave ‘em there, Peter. Let the pirates have them. Start a new life.

LOL my 5 year old is hiding his face and screaming because the mermaids are kissing Peter Pan. Hold up I’m gonna play this scene extra slow

We’re pausing to make s’mores. I’m not gonna say no to s’mores. Peter can wait.

Ok I’m back and I’m full of s’mores and a giant clam just puked Peter onto some penguins wtf is happening

Ruffio just showed up. Who gave him a sword? Also aren’t they supposed to never grow up? This kid’s clearly pubescent and his voice is cracking like an egg.

HOLY FUCK SMEE IS BOB HOSKINS?

Jesus I’m slow.

Hook is talking about why parents read stories to their children and he’s like “they read you stories to shut you up” and now I’m mad he’s giving away our trade secrets.

Oh FUCK no. Imaginary food?! If I was starving and these kids were like “We UsE oUr ImAgInAtIoNs,” I’d roast Ruffio on a spit until someone brought me a bag of Sour Patch Kids

OK he just used his imagination WHAT THE FUCK

Time for me to imagine a private jet and a willing Chris Evans with no pants on

What is this movie trying to say? If I tell my kid not to blow bubbles in his milk is he going to run off with a hairy short guy and a flamboyant pirate to break clocks?

Oop. Time to put the kids to bed. I guess we’ll finish this tomorrow. I’m gonna lock the windows tonight, too. Fuck them pirates.