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As someone who rarely ever cries over anything, reading this thread honestly got me teary eyed. Most of you don’t know of course but last year around the end of 2019, at the age of 18, my mom had finally told me that I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and that they never told me. https://twitter.com/teenagewldlife/status/1274430561747111937">https://twitter.com/teenagewl...
For as long as I remember I had always felt different from everyone else. Not only was my dad in the army so every few years we moved to somewhere new and I had a hard time making friends being alone for most of my life till high school,
But I had always been scolded and chastised by my parents and teachers for things I couldn’t control. For the most part my adhd wasn’t that apparent as a kid when it came to school bc I had always gotten good grades, doing the best I could to make my parents proud of me.
But I would always get in trouble for not being able to stay still to the point it was actually uncomfortable to sit down for multiple hours a day, talking too loudly bc I couldn’t control my voice level especially when I got excited about something,
Not being able to focus, pay attention, follow the simplest of instructions, being able to remember something they had just finished telling me where theyd get annoyed and yell at me bc I kept asking the same thing, and not being able to control my emotions and being sensitive
crying really easily bc I was overwhelmed by feelings I couldn’t control and then getting hit or threatened to get hit to “have an actual reason to cry”. I constantly questioned why I couldn’t be like my younger sister who didn’t have any of the problems that I was facing
The simplest task of just looking for an item my parents sent me to get for them after they told me exactly where it was filled me with so much anxiety I would almost cry bc I just couldn’t focus and find it in which they’d send my sister and she’d find it immediately.
The older I got, the worse my ADHD got until it was finally affecting my grades. Even though my parents knew I was diagnosed they never believed in it and always so it as an excuse. Went from being an A/B honor roll to starting to get Ds on tests.
Constantly being punished and yelled at bc I couldn’t keep my grades up except for the classes I was thoroughly invested in and enjoyed, they wouldn’t listen to anything I said. Any reason I gave trying to get them to understand something I didn’t even understand myself made me
want to give up. I started to hate school and started caring less and less except for the classes I liked and grew distant from my family. I found out about ADHD and tried to talk to my parents about it but they immediately shut it down saying that ADHD wasnt real.
That it was just an excuse for poor parenting and not enough beating, making me feel stupid for even considering having that. It just made me torture myself with questions I couldn’t answer. Why couldn’t I be the son my parents want? Why can’t I concentrate and focus? Why am I
so sensitive? Why couldn’t I get good grades like my sister, like before? Am I not trying enough? I spend all day studying but is that not enough? Do I need to do more? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be like everyone else? What’s wrong with me? Are they right? Am I just lazy?
Am I just making excuses? Do I just not want it enough? Am I really annoying? Am I that horrible of person even my parents don’t love me? Thoughts overwhelmed me to the point I spent days not doing anything at all bc I just couldn’t force myself to do anything unless I got what
I knew I needed to do done. So many hours wasted hating myself for something that wasn’t even my fault. For something I couldn’t even control. Something I couldn’t even understand bc all my life that answers I need were kept from me.
These things made me toxic. I decided my parents were right and I was too sensitive and instead of tears, I turned to anger. My automatic emotion was hatred, resentment, anger even to people who had never done anything to me. Even to my friends.
I felt like everyone was my enemy. That I couldn’t trust anyone but nobody understood me not even myself. Instead of finding an outlet I just bottled everything up. Anything that made me stand out I got rid of. I tried my best to hide my flaws. I became apathetic on the outside
While I was seething on the inside. If it wasn’t for my friends I wouldn’t have gotten out of that and even then I struggle today and I’m honestly extremely grateful that many of my friends stayed by my side despite all the times I had blown up on them being blinded by my
Feelings all coming out at once. I hated myself and honestly still do, scared of blowing up again after working on myself for years. Scared that I won’t be able to change bc of things that I can’t control, though it’s not an excuse for my actions.
Basically, every single thing in the thread is something that I struggled with and still do but I’ve never been able to put it into words. Never been able to explain it or get people to understand why am the way I am. Even now, the stigma around ADHD makes it hard to tell
Someone that I have that bc they’ll automatically just think I’m lazy or this to that.
Even now I have anger issues and have trouble accepting that it’s ok to cry and physically crying is almost impossible and instead I just get pressure in my head giving me migraines.
Even now I have anger issues and have trouble accepting that it’s ok to cry and physically crying is almost impossible and instead I just get pressure in my head giving me migraines.
Sorry for making this such a long read. Tbh just focusing on writing this was hard bc there’s so many things I want to talk about when it comes to past experiences with ADHD though there are many other factors of why I am the way I am.
But if you did read this shit, thank you. It means a lot to me and I hope this makes it easier to understand in why I’m such a weird fuckin dude
