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Reading a lot about adhd today and alarmed by the number of experiential boxes it checks with me. I& #39;ll start out by saying I have no diagnosis, just suspicions but gods so much stuff makes sense.
Sometimes it can be so hard for me to just do the thing, and yet other times if i& #39;m really fucking excited about it then it is all i can do, even if there is other stuff I *need* to be doing instead of this cool thing which is low value.
My short term memory which I& #39;ve nick-named squirrel memory is a complete joke, and I can get distracted by anything the moves into my periphery. And it& #39;s frustrating because I& #39;ll literally lose track of what I was trying to do for the dumbest reasons.
I& #39;ve tried using a trello to track everything i need to accomplish, but sometimes I don& #39;t even follow the trello, or sometimes I can look at a card full of words and only see half of them. I can be completely convinced i& #39;ve actually achieved a task only to have it...
pointed out to me that I haven& #39;t in fact done the thing. And sometimes I get overwhelmed just with how to start something, and i guess just doing a bit to get started is the advice, but that can also be hard? Starting is hard, maintaining momentum is hard, and sometimes...
I literally feel like my eyes want to flip around in my skull when I& #39;m doing something and I just can& #39;t even look at the thing I know I need to do. Sometimes if i feed myself some good music or rain sounds or something it seems to smooth things out, other times it just doesn& #39;t.
And it frustrates me so much, because I could be achieving so much more than I do, and sometimes I have to just sneak time here or there to work on things that need to be done, when I feel I can do them, and I see people that just sit down and do X and I& #39;m jealous.
It makes me feel like I& #39;m not steering the ship, like i& #39;m always making some kind of internal bargains just to try to function, like "ok, this isn& #39;t gonna happen right now... what do I actually feel like doing?". But if i don& #39;t get the things I set out to do that day done, I...
feel like I& #39;m lazy but I know i& #39;m not because when it clicks I feel like i& #39;m in a zone where nothing else matters. Unfortunately that& #39;s really rare right now and it is reaching a point where my frustration is most of my key feelings.
This is just a rant, by someone a bit frustrated by their brain. I& #39;ve always been this way since I was a kid, but at the same time, I was always savvy and smart enough to pull it out my arse when I absolutely had to. But sometimes that meant writing my uni assignment...
at 3am the day it was due because a combination of time pressure and quiet gave me focus i needed to get it done.
But that begs the question. What do I do about how I feel? I feel like I need to understand me more, and figure out how to work with my brain to reach some kind of solution, whatever that may be. The irony is that when my brain plays nice, I really enjoy what I do.
Anyway, sorry if you read this all the way through. Like I said, it& #39;s mostly frustration and might be grasping at straws to try explain things. I really want to just deal better with things for the folks that depend on me day to day.
And i was definitely meant to be doing something else than writing this thread.
Fin.
Fin.
