I talked to my dad for a few minutes the day before yesterday. he's been very sick for the past year or so. he couldn't really see me over the videocall, and his ability to remember details isn't what it used to be.

my dad wasn't always the greatest dad in the world. he made a lot of mistakes. he's still making some of them. I've decided to hold onto the good memories I have of him as a dad, and make my peace with the bad ones. for better and worse, he helped make me who I am today.

I feel very lucky that years of therapy have helped me to be able to separate the good memories from the bad ones and enjoy the good whilst not letting the bad hang over my head too much. I still *want* the good memories, you know?

I used to be very angry at my dad. sometimes I still am. but he didn't have all that great a dad himself, and I know he thought he was doing his best with us. that doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, but it helps me understand it as part of who he was and is as a person.

you don't have to make peace with your dad. you don't have to have anything to do with your dad at all. for me personally, it's been helpful to be able to have a relationship with him that is about celebrating the positive. he's not in a position to hurt me anymore.

I'll probably never remember my dad fondly, but I do have fond memories of him. that's not the same thing, and it took me a long time to work that out. these days, I just want him to find peace. maybe if he'd found it earlier, when I was a kid, things would be different today.

it's been easier for me to put the bad memories to rest because it means I'm no longer carrying the weight of them for both of us. I was tired of being angry all the time. being angry all the time made my dad old before his time. I don't want that for myself.

I'm not saying this because I think it's how everyone should have a relationship with their abusive dad. everyone's situation is unique. I don't know what your dad was/is like. and not everyone's dads can no longer hurt them.

I'm glad I am where I am, though. I was carrying a lot of anger and hurt, and now I don't need to do that anymore. it doesn't mean the hurt has vanished, just that I don't need to carry it with my everywhere. I'm glad. it was getting heavy.