i’m a gay comic who sometimes passes for straight. i used to take it as a compliment, but looking back it’s bc a) femme teen me got beaten up by strangers and b) gay men’s misogyny/internalised homophobia means we police femininity out of each other. (contd.)

bc of this, straight guy comics will sometimes presume i’m one of them if they haven’t seen my act. they will say hideous stuff about women in front of me, and i’m ashamed to say i haven’t told any of them to go fuck themselves.

i’m often scared to do so bc it would probably out me, and misogynist douchebags tend to be homophobes as well. when you don’t have a mic in your hand, you don’t feel as invincible. plus if you’re not on a queer show, chances are you’re the only one in the room.

it’s also bc i’m relatively “new”, and comedy is run by straight men who essentially haze newbies and romanticise “the grind”. they love weird rules (you can’t wear shorts on stage, you’re only good after X amount of shows etc) and control a lot of shows and major clubs.

when i spoke to an older woman in comedy about one specific incident, she told me to not say anything because i was starting out and this guy was a headliner. he had connections at venues, and it wasn’t worth it.

(sidebar: there are a bunch of women and queers who run awesome shows in toronto, and people like @stalkingnatalie have been doing it for years - go support them when we’re let out!!!)

anyway, what i almost find worse than the incels who are defending chris d’elia/jeff ross is the men i have personally witnessed being disgusting pigs who are now sending “solidarity with survivors ” tweets. THESE are the men we should be calling out.

these men think they are somehow different because they’re not outright paedophiles. these men still treat women like shit when they think it’s safe to. these men gatekeep at venues everywhere. alt shows are not immune.

i’m sad and angry that i still don’t feel emboldened to name anyone. i also know that i’m lucky i was even shocked by this at all; women in comedy know to expect this from the men in our industry. it sucks.

maybe what i mean to say is that this problem is way bigger than one or two serial abusers, and to treat these extreme examples as the “bad guys” is missing the point. it’s the “good guys” too. it is fucking everywhere. and it’s not on women to fix this.