I don't talk about it allot, but fuck it.

Thread about me.

I'm on the spectrum and have other mental health issues as well. One of the ways this manifests is in panic attacks, meltdowns, and in my youth before medication bouts of extreme anger.

But the most damage I have done?

Punched a hole in the wall a few times, smashed a chair once.

But I am 100% convinced that if my loved ones called the cops during one of my episodes as a teenager I would be dead.

I get a ton of shit sometimes from people assuming I'm just a cisgender, hetero, neurotypical, white male. And I get it. I don't blame them for thinking I'm privileged.

On the surface I am able to hide most of my quirks that give away something is up with me. I'm lucky that way.

And I do accept that being white and being cis that I have an extreme amount of privilege that will mean my likelihood to be killed by cops is lower than a ton of people.

But every time I see someone have a meltdown where they walk around their neighborhood with a frying pan screaming, only to see them be lit up by cops, I think "my god that could have been me".

I see the word "r**ard" thrown around too often on this site. I see the word "autistic" and "REEEEE" thrown around as new slurs to replace r**ard.

That's me they are talking about. That's some of my friends they are talking about.

I saw an antivaxxer mom talk about how she "lost her son" after he became autistic due to a vaccine. As if him being autistic was comparable to death.

I've seen one to many people say that autistic people are better off dead, and I think that's what these piggy cops think.

It fucking hurts to know that I am subhuman to so many people. To know that without my medication, therapy, and years in special education I would be seen as a monster to many.

I'm going to say something horrific but it's true. And if you want to get mad at me, get bent.

But if I was a German in the 40's and didn't have my pills, I 100% would have been sent to the camps along with other mentally handicapped people.

So you know how it feels to see people like me be shot by cops because their mom or dad was scared of them? To have their parents or spouse be an unwilling accomplice in their murder?

To see parent who would rather have their kids dead than autistic?

I still see so called geniuses today spout eugenic style statements about people with mental health issues and get 1 100th the amount of hate they would get if they said it about a race or sexual orientation.

I got in a fight with a co-worker years ago because he said society would be so much better off if people below a certain IQ weren't allowed to breed, and if you had a mental problem like Bi Polar disorder you should be sterilized.

So that's what I feel when I see people call someone "autistic" in place of "r**ard" which in turn was used incorrectly as a synonym for stupid.

We are subhuman to so many people, and our deaths just help the fucking gene pool.

And I see pieces of shit like JK Rowling saying that Trans people are autistic folk being tricked or coerced into being trans.

That is sickening.

It disregards trans people's identity as mental illness, but also removes any sort of personal responsibility from autistic folk. As if all of us, regardless of where we are on the spectrum, have no free will or idea of who we are.

Which honestly I think is a big reason I am 36 years old and I don't talk about or explore my sexuality more.

Because I'll just be another autistic guy who was tricked into being gay, or another statistic that proves queerness is a mental illness.

I don't show it. Because I'm one of the lucky ones.

Everything non-typical about me, I can hide. If I'm not in a large crowd, on the right medication, and keep to myself, I look like any other cis white dude.

But on a bad day, 10 years ago, I could have easily been killed.

Cops have a ranking system. White, hetero, cis men are on the top.

Anything other than that, you get closer and closer to being an acceptable loss.

And I've seen too many people like me murdered. For a frying pan. A steak knife. For screaming because they can't help it.