Mmm. I try not to think negatively of this day because people have different reasonings for said day.

For me?

My actual father never wanted me. It has been a year since I last saw him (it was like 20 yrs beforehand).

He told me to my face that I wasn't his. I just had a name.

I had always wondered if he was still alive as I grew up because who wouldn't?

Every time I would see him on the streets or at a public event, I would get turned away as before.

It really hurt to know that I wasn't wanted but I didn't give up /yet/.

I was always kind toward him regardless of who was present. His expression never truly changed from one of… I don't know how to describe it…

It's the way he would not directly look at me despite my efforts to get him to talk. I can't speak his language well but still.

Family would occasionally tease me or ask if I knew where or how my father was. I would tell them I don't know if he's still alive or not.

I disliked being teased about being his daughter even though I yearned for that approval of sorts from him.

I always felt like (still kind of do) changing my last name so that I wont have anything of his anymore but…

I don't know. I wouldn't be me, right? Whoever that is. It isn't like changing your legal name is something cheap to do unfortunately.

Who would I be if/when I did go through with it?

The last, I don't know, 20 years of my life would be burned out and there are good memories that I would like to keep too.

A few months later someone was trying to get a hold of me and I didn't think anything of it right then. It was the insisting of wanting to talk to me that finally made me respond.

Naturally, it was after I told my mom about it because I was actually worried it was a scam.

She told me it was a relative of my father and an attorney. Why? I thought.

They likely never knew I existed yet there they were trying to get in touch.

Unfortunately it was just because of some legal things that they wanted to send.

I eventually found out via the attorney that my father had passed away while abroad on vacation.

My world completely shut off for a good while. I was shaking. I was sobbing. Just like how I am while tweeting about this.

They sent me papers regarding a house he had owned but on his will it stated that nothing was to be given to none of his daughters.

Ouch. I didn't expect anything but that stung and hit home nonetheless.

I had seen him one last time during this month, last year, at a public event.

My mom and I tried our last attempt (without knowing what was to occur later) and…

I just turned away, leaving in tears as he STILL refused to acknowledge who I was to him.

That was when I gave up.

I suppose to end this thread somehow…

Despite his refusal, it is clear that I finally had closure with his /actual/ passing.

I no longer had to wonder anymore.

And…

Here I am, to this day, moving onward with those who do accept who I am. Whoever that is.