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tw: sexual assault, abuse
two days ago i broke down at night thinking about how the men I had loved and trusted used my body the same way the men who assaulted me did. countless times I was guilted into sex, convinced to turn my no into a yes, wasn't asked how I felt
two days ago i broke down at night thinking about how the men I had loved and trusted used my body the same way the men who assaulted me did. countless times I was guilted into sex, convinced to turn my no into a yes, wasn't asked how I felt
and I never understood why i felt the pit in my stomach that i did. why i broke down in the middle of sex with my boyfriend because I wasn't feeling like it but I couldn't physically get myself to say no, despite knowing that he would respect it and stop. my no never held value.
I usually feel very numb about these things. I always dissociate even when I'm talking or thinking about my experiences, to the point that even being raped felt like nothing at all. I hypersexualised myself to cope. felt like maybe people might not look past my body,
so i might as well get something out of it. "just get it done with," I used to think instead of withdrawing consent. there are so many faces of sexual abuse. it could be your friends and your partners, your hookups. you can't even make sense of it sometimes. surely I consented.
I have learnt over time to create boundaries and assert myself, to get more comfortable with my body. but I still freak out wondering if I would freeze, if I would not be able to say no when I want to. consent is so much more than just a verbal confirmation.
it's the way someone reacts to being touched, their body language, how much they're enjoying themselves, if they're telling you what they want and what they don't want, ABSOLUTE CONTINUOUS ENTHUSIASM TOWARDS DOING IT. no one owes anyone anything. I wish we understood that better.
