tw: sexual assault, abuse
two days ago i broke down at night thinking about how the men I had loved and trusted used my body the same way the men who assaulted me did. countless times I was guilted into sex, convinced to turn my no into a yes, wasn& #39;t asked how I felt

and I never understood why i felt the pit in my stomach that i did. why i broke down in the middle of sex with my boyfriend because I wasn& #39;t feeling like it but I couldn& #39;t physically get myself to say no, despite knowing that he would respect it and stop. my no never held value.

I usually feel very numb about these things. I always dissociate even when I& #39;m talking or thinking about my experiences, to the point that even being raped felt like nothing at all. I hypersexualised myself to cope. felt like maybe people might not look past my body,

so i might as well get something out of it. "just get it done with," I used to think instead of withdrawing consent. there are so many faces of sexual abuse. it could be your friends and your partners, your hookups. you can& #39;t even make sense of it sometimes. surely I consented.

I have learnt over time to create boundaries and assert myself, to get more comfortable with my body. but I still freak out wondering if I would freeze, if I would not be able to say no when I want to. consent is so much more than just a verbal confirmation.

it& #39;s the way someone reacts to being touched, their body language, how much they& #39;re enjoying themselves, if they& #39;re telling you what they want and what they don& #39;t want, ABSOLUTE CONTINUOUS ENTHUSIASM TOWARDS DOING IT. no one owes anyone anything. I wish we understood that better.