last week, I went to my father’s grave, and I honestly don’t know why. he died a few days before my graduation last , and up until now, I’m still confused as to how I should tackle his death because when he was alive, I really can’t call our relationship a relationship.

a few days after graduation, I went to korea because I wanted to escape and to channel which emotion should I feel. I never went to the hospital even though he asked for my presence because I was mad. after his death, I just didn’t feel anything. ganun kalala yung disconnect ko.

everyone pleaded for me to come to the wake, but thankfully, they understood when I said no.

one night, I was driving, I felt something pat my back and I just whispered, “okay na. hindi na ako galit. you may go now.”

up to now, I still don’t know if what I did was right, if my feelings were valid, kung nagmatigas lang ba talaga ako or understandable sya, and I took that madness out on so many things except the real issue. nagkalat ako, per se.

and ngayon ko lang talaga na-understand yung meaning of death. the uncontrollable and the period no erase of everything.

maybe, if our paths cross again in our next lifetime, I hope the setup would be a better one. happy father’s day, daddy.

last *feb.