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Incoming much-too-long Father's Day thread coming. Pre-emptive TLDR: being a dad is great in ways I wouldn't have expected it to be lol
Anyone whoâs known me for a while knows that Fatherâs Day isnât my thing. Since I was in middle school, itâs been a day for me to thank my Mom for being awesome, and then to try to not think about my Dad. Thatâs been the case even since Iâve had my own kidsâitâs not a day I like
I was born to a man who was a great father for the first decade or so of my life, who was then subsumed by alcoholism. I didnât forgive him then and I donât forgive him now for the emotional and financial havoc he wreaked on my mother, my brother, and myself.
My dad killed himself when I was in college. This was less than a week before an appointment we had with a therapist to try and start the process of mending our relationship.
In the decade-plus since, Iâve come to better understand the demons in his life, and the way he was shaped by shame and pain at having grown up a closeted gay man in a Catholic Italian family.
It was not my goal to become a father myselfâfor a long time my goal was the opposite. But it was clear to me early in my relationship with my wife that I wanted to see her be a mother, and I wanted to raise a family with her, one not touched by the pain we had both grown up with
That desire, I thought, was only about our children. I hoped that I could raise kids who were secure in both their parentsâ presence and loveâbut that was something I wanted for them, not me.
I focused on checking things off lists: I went to every doctorâs appointment with Shar while she was pregnant. I was there when Vincent and Maya were born. I stayed home with them all day the first two years of their life until they could start preschool.
I went to every game, I volunteered as a coach, I signed up to be the Room Parent this year for Vincentâs 1st grade class. I have never missed a doctorâs appointment for either one of them.
Iâve fought hard to keep a career that allows me the flexibility to drop them off at school every day and to be there for big events or holiday celebrations with their classes, and allows them to come to my job with me when they miss me.
Iâve never drunk or gotten drunk, because (like my dad) Iâm someone who gets addicted to things easilyâand I didnât want to risk losing myself.
To an extent, I did those things for myself, to prove that I wasnât my Dad. When Shar was pregnant, I kept wishing I could talk to him, to ask when things changed. When love stopped being enough to hold the demons at bay. I worried (daily) that the same thing would happen to me
The truth is: Iâm not worried about it anymore. The moment I held Vincent for the first time, it was like someone turned a key in my head and all those anxieties and fears just kind ofâŠvented out and faded into the air.
Looking at my little boy, whoâd been in the world for only a few minutes, it was clear: itâs not about me. Itâs not about my hurt, or my pain, or my fears. Itâs about him, and itâs about Maya.
I continue to check things off my fatherhood to-do list, because it makes me happy. But my kids are six and four years old, and Iâm smiling in every picture theyâve ever drawn of us. Iâm only a monster to them when thatâs the game they want to play for the night.
I keep a few of those pictures on my desk to remind me that whatever else happens in my life or at my job, Iâve already met the only goal worth having: being a good dad to my children, being a good husband to my wife.
My goal as a father was to break the cycle and raise kids who didnât grow up with the pain that I had. What I never guessed was that doing so would allow me to let go of my pain as wellâin fact, would force me to. Fatherâs Day isnât about looking at myself or my hurt anymore.
Who gives a shit about me, or my pain? I donât. Today and every other day is about looking at my beautiful, happy children, and asking them: âWhat do you guys want to do today?â
Happy Fatherâs Day to all the dads out there figuring it out for themselves. I really believe we can change the world by breaking bad cycles and raising strong, healthy kids. Love all of you guys.
