Sometimes all you need is to talk to combat vets until dawn

It’s a weird thing when you’re a civilian and the only people who really get your line of work are people who’ve given up their constitutional rights, ostensibly to protect yours, and exercising them is how you got hurt

Like it’s good to hear “holy shit, the stuff you’ve seen is some combat level and tbh we’d be in the brig if we put civilians through what you’ve seen as a domestic reporter"

It’s a thing I can’t talk about, but I’m about to have to take a very big microphone and speak on behalf of a lot of people, and it’s just really good to talk to the folk that I’m not quite from but I’m kind of part of before I talk. I can’t pass the mic I’m about to speak into.

That said, it’s a rare American civilian, rarer still before late last month, that knows what it’s like to take a permanently disabling round from a uniformed agent of the American state.

Even civilians overseas don’t know what it’s like to take American gas, it’s a war crime.

Which is not to compare civilian populations in the countries we’ve invaded to our domestic woes, exactly. But lots of us here at home know what it’s like to lose loved ones to American bullets and have nobody care. Or be disabled permanently. Or merely traumatized.

That’s why in 2014 we saw Palestinians sending primers on dealing with tear gas to protesters in St Louis, and in Minneapolis we had folk in Hong Kong giving us tips to deal with smoke grenades.

Because it’s the same shit all over, just American troops can’t act like our police.

I have been up all night talking to vets trying to get these words right before I speak, because I am speaking for the hundreds of journalists that have been hurt or gassed in the last weeks. For all the protesters killed or wounded. For the few good cops refusing orders.

I wish I could talk to that kid in desert cammies in MN that was posted outside the hospital when I rocked up with an eye bandage and asked him what his orders were. He could have been my son. I wonder what he would say given the freedom. He’s bound by UCMJ. Didn’t sign for this.

Like that kid who could have been my son can’t say “I won’t occupy an American city” because he’s a weekend warrior and MAYBE a PFC, didn’t get his arm. He can’t say no.

But I don’t think when he signed up he figured he’d deploy against people asking not to be murdered by police

He asked me politely did I need directions, and I told him I knew this hospital which was weird cause I’m not from Minneapolis but since police shot my eye out I’d gotten familiar with the check-in protocol. His eyes went wide, because nice white ladies don’t get shot like that.

Much love and thanks to the vets and protesters and cops who’ve been willing to speak to me, because I have to go tell some motherfuckers how this all works, and as I’m the only journo missing an eye I can’t pass the mic. I’m situationally chosen.

It sucks to be poor, and we shouldn’t domestically be doing shit to citizens that would be war crimes for Americans to do in any other country, and also the only reason we’re killing black and brown people is that police are trained to see citizens as enemy combatants.

Anyway, if you are a protester or a vet or a cop and you’re willing to speak to me as I write these words that are about to represent you: I’m not elected. But I’m stuck as spokesperson to some folk with the juice to change shit.

I’d love your counsel. My DM is open.

My fear is that my white journo ass gets stuck talking about press freedom which is important but is only part of the first amendment, or defending folk in uniform, and okay good hearts but I can’t fuck with Nuremberg defenses, or explaining rage and fire with no range or depth

The whole country is grieveing and wondering does the rest of the country see them as full humans.

I have to explain that, somehow, to people with financial motives to keep us divided.

I’m a poor white country lady married to a combat vet and that’s complex in this moment

But what I know is that rich white folk have an interest in telling me that my enemy is Black city folk, that most soldiers are traumatized by war, that lots of cops are fucked up about their jobs right now, that protesters have righteous anger.

Help me translate it, please.

I am terrified to speak on my own behalf because that’s cowardice and a dodge given the mic I’m about to have. I am terrified to speak for anyone else because that ain’t my lane and I know when to be quiet.

I would appreciate your time and consideration to help me find words.