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My Queer Testimony
I have thought long and hard about whether or not I should put something like this on social media. It’s personal. It’s raw. It might be a little too sacred. But I go back to why I joined social media in the first place. 1/53
I have thought long and hard about whether or not I should put something like this on social media. It’s personal. It’s raw. It might be a little too sacred. But I go back to why I joined social media in the first place. 1/53
When I was 14, I got Facebook, only because my EFY group wanted to keep in touch with me. 6 years later I became an EFY counselor and had a spiritual prompting to get Instagram. Yes, you read that right. I thought it was weird too and fought it. I hated Instagram. 2/
I thought it was vain, mindless, and a waste of time. But the prompting said, “If you don’t like the way that it is, change it.”
I’ve received that prompting many times since. 3/
I’ve received that prompting many times since. 3/
I first joined Twitter in May 2018 under an anonymous account where I would occasionally post my writing. But it wasn’t until I started @colorthecampus that I really got involved and then finally made my own personal account. 4/
Now, did I think I was going to fundamentally change all of social media and how it functions? No. Did I also think I wasn’t going to contribute to it being vain, mindless, and a waste of time? Also no, just look at my Twitter. 5/
But I did realize that it gave me a space. It gave me connection. It gave me comfort. I’m just as addicted to it as anyone, but there are times when it has been a holy place to me. 6/
My point is I do feel like this is an appropriate platform for me to share something so intimate. So I’m going to. 7/
BEFORE
I first came out as gay on my mission to a companion and regretted it immediately. My mission was hard to begin with (as they all are), but until I admitted to myself and to someone else that I was, in fact, gay, I had never felt so dark and empty. 8/
I first came out as gay on my mission to a companion and regretted it immediately. My mission was hard to begin with (as they all are), but until I admitted to myself and to someone else that I was, in fact, gay, I had never felt so dark and empty. 8/
Sept. 19, 2016 was one of the worst days of my life, though I tried to convince myself otherwise. I remember being told “it will get better” and “it gets easier” but I have never resonated with that.
For me, it always got worse. But now more people knew how bad it was for me. 9/
For me, it always got worse. But now more people knew how bad it was for me. 9/
I thought maybe I just needed more practice and time. I came out to friends, my parents, coworkers, and random strangers on the internet before finally saying it publicly on my podcast. I regretted it every time. 10/
It became easier to say, but the knot in my stomach only got worse the more people I told. I was grateful for the love and support I received, but it never got easier. I felt like I was just adding a burden to others that I was content carrying on my own. 11/
But I could never take it back. 12/
A common question that I was asked after coming out was, “So, what are you going to do?” and at the time I felt I knew what I was going to do. I was going to try to date and marry a woman, then raise a family with her as a sealed couple. 13/
I was confident in this and felt I could do it. I remember even saying the words, “I love Jesus more than I want to bang a dude” thinking that’s all being gay was. Sex.
Then things changed. 14/
Then things changed. 14/
BETWEEN
I started dating (come at me @BYU, I know you’re more scared of me than I am of you) and never felt so happy. I was finally starting to understand why everyone loves love. 15/
I started dating (come at me @BYU, I know you’re more scared of me than I am of you) and never felt so happy. I was finally starting to understand why everyone loves love. 15/
I understood why everyone was so fixated on dating, why everyone wanted to get married, why talking about crushes was exciting. Why life was worth living. 15/
Now, I have had a good life. But I was suddenly feeling so frustrated and angry that I had been denied something so simple and beautiful for my entire life up to that point. And that I was being asked to continue living that way. I started questioning everything. 16/
I started doubting. I was angry all the time, but was really good at hiding it (thanks closet), and didn’t let anyone know how much I was actually struggling. I’m sure some noticed, but I pushed them away and denied it every time it was brought up. 17/
Dating in secret is hard. It’s hell. But it was the only time I finally felt normal, so I kept doing it. I discovered a whole underground community and felt connected and loved. But I was also abused, assaulted, and taken advantage of more than once. 18/
And I genuinely thought that it was God punishing me for my “sin.” I was convinced, for months, that I would never have a healthy relationship, that I would always feel broken and hurt and dark as long as the other person was a man. 19/
So I started to hate Them. And I started to hate the church that proclaimed to work in Their name. I never admitted it because my testimony of Christ and His Atonement kept me grounded. Many told me to just leave the church. Leave BYU. Leave my family. 20/
But when I was 12 and wanted to end my life, it was my relationship with Christ and my Heavenly Parents that gave me a reason to stay. I can’t express in words how exactly, but if my testimony of the church is wrong, then I should’ve died all those years ago. 21/
I decided to stay for my family, for my God, for my Savior. How can I abandon them now, when they never abandoned me? 22/
Now I know many view the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as being separate from God and Christ, and I agree to an extent. It’s nuanced and complex, but I simply cannot fully separate them. Trust me, I’ve tried. 23/
So I went numb. It was easier to not think about it. I couldn’t separate myself from God, so I reluctantly despised Them and criticized. 24/
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