cn: alcoholism, detox, depression ahead —

Some words I’m going to try to take to heart as I attempt to conquer my addiction. This will be a thread as I detox for the next few days. I expect I’m about to have a real bad time.

HAPPY FUCKING SOLSTICE.

To clarify: I’m not doing this with the intention of being sober forever. I truly enjoy wine & craft beverages, but I’ve become extremely dependent. I intend to detox & be sober for a solid period of time with the hopes of reintroducing alcohol in a healthy way to my life later.

But I’m an alcoholic. I have been for a few years now, and I knew that, but the last six months have really sent me off the rails in a BIG way. This is an attempt not only to get my shit together, but to find the time again for my hobbies that I was wasting being drunk.

Reached out to a friend who’s a month sober to get tips for detox, picked up some anti-nausea meds and some munchies. I had already whittled down my supply to the very last, but I poured it out because it’s the fucking Solstice and today is a day of CHANGE, goddamn it.

Last time I bought I accidentally ended up with a different wine that had a lower alcohol content (I figured out after being like ?? why do I have to drink more—oh), and I’ve been drinking a little less the last few days anyway. I was gonna try to taper off but —

— I don’t trust myself to moderate. I was going to finish off what I had, but nah. It’s the Solstice, it’s a sign, and I have two days off. I told my coworkers so I would be able to hold myself accountable. I’m telling Twitter for the same reason & bc I don’t want to do it alone.

So, anyway. Expect a thread. Please mute this conversation or me if the content will be triggering.

DAY ONE: already feel like shit. Headache, starting to feel antsy, as I have whenever I even CONSIDERED quitting. I’m hoping to channel excess energy into exercise or writing.

me: read 11:08pm

oh ok so He’s got some THOUGHT thoughts

wow he really pulled out everything but the tower on my ass, huh

yeah, i see that hanged man. i fucking see it, thanks

tldr The Tarot of the Silicon Dawn pulls no punches and is really fucky in general, so it’s good for weird readings like this when i need my ass handed to me. see above.

creatively, i also looked for advice, and was advised to seek help from a softer hand. i had forgotten how i last stored my first deck, The Raven’s Prophecy Tarot. i found it apt.

and a point was certainly made about my recent struggles and how to move forward. advice i will have to reflect on further.

As I went to put the deck away, these two fell out as the clock struck midnight and the Solstice ended. I remember now how fiercely I am loved by the one who believes in everything I have always been and will still become. This is a beginning, not an end.

this cloth i use to wrap my deck (pictured folded in half, with an identical embroidery when stretched out) belonged to my grandmother, who was an extremely talented and creative woman. i was thinking of her yesterday before i decided to make this journey. i think she’s with me.

decided to lie down in the sun while listening to hozier & florence + the machine. did some situps & leg lifts. felt kinda good to do something to engage for the first time in a while.

(i know i posted it already but i liked this selfie and want to attach it to this thread)