Okay so let’s dissect the “we are all demisexual” argument against demisexuality because it’s still #PrideMonth2020 and no, demisexuals arent “just normal/picky” but not many people actually understand WHY that’s not actually the case so here we go

So what is demisexualiy? Demisexuality refers to someone who only feels sexual attraction towards others after a close emotional bond is formed. It can be either platonic or romantic.

At first glance, you might think this just refers to not having sex with someone unless you’re in love or in a serious relationship. While this may be true for some demisexuals, it misunderstands what demisexuality actually is.

It also assumes everyone who has a crush on someone romantically experiences sexual attraction to that person and that as their romantic love grows, so does their sexual attraction. And that’s the thing to understand- demisexual people don’t have that experience.

Sexual attraction is a desire for a sexual relationship or pleasure with another person or persons. It is not necessarily also romantic, and in allosexuals (not asexual,demi, or gray ace) can be directed at strangers, movie stars, and the like.

For example a friend once asked me, “Have you ever been attracted to the people in magazines or perfume commercials?” I told him no, of course not, why would I be? This was when I learned at 26 that many people are sexually attracted to people they just find pretty.

Now this is not to say that if you’re not aspec you’re just horny AF. Allosexuals aren’t necessarily always thinking about sex, and I know that. BUT allosexuals experience sexual attraction much more frequently, not rarely & in specific perimeters. That’s the KEY difference.

Demisexuality just doesn’t work like that. A close emotional bond MUST form in order for sexual attraction to form at all. And I mean. At ALL. And that’s IF it forms. Sometimes this can happen very quickly. Sometimes this can take months or even years.

The thing that tipped me off that I wasn’t allo was dating an asexual person. I experienced sensual attraction, and arousal, but didn’t have any desire to have sex with them on its own. I liked her a lot, but there was no sexual attraction.

This made me realize two things: 1) that I actually don’t need sex in a relationship even though I’d always been taught I had, and 2) that I had often liked people without EVER experiencing sexual attraction. I just wanted to kiss & cuddle most the time. It was liberating.

I realized - all this time I’d been taught I had to be sexual, and I’d been trying to perform my life in those perimeters. And I didn’t HAVE to do that. No one does. It was incredibly refreshing to pull that cover off at last, and I wish I had so much sooner.

The thing is sexual attraction ISNT actually a thing everyone experiences. Doesn’t mean that asexual people can’t have sex, but it’s assumed that everyone who has attraction has sex and everyone who doesn’t shouldn’t and that if you go outside the rules you’re doing it wrong.

But there are as many ways to be ace as there are ace people. The thing that unifies aces & the micro labels we use is a profound difference in how and IF we experience sexual attraction.

This post actually sums up the “everyone is Demisexual” argument pretty well - abstaining from sex until you’re in a serious relationship is NOT the same as ONLY experiencing sexual attraction PERIOD under that specific circumstance and only some of the time even THEN.

Arousal =\\= attraction.

Action =\\= orientation.

Rare sexual attraction only in a specific emotional bond situation =\\= not the same as experiencing it regularly.

Abstaining from sex until you’re in a serious relationship is NOT the same thing as literally only feeling sexual attraction under that circumstance sometimes. If it was, demisexuals wouldn’t feel seem for the first time when we heard that other people have this experience.

The big misconception is that demisexuals are experiencing sexual attraction at the same rate as their allo friends. But that’s actually not the case and that’s WHY it’s under the asexuality spectrum. Demisexuals are ONLY experiencing sexual attraction in a specific circumstance.

I wrote a thread about aphobia and how much of it is rooted in believing everyone experiences sexual attraction using an analogy with seeing colors. https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1274136615900848131

Here is a thread about demisexuality & gray asexuality if you want to know more about that: https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1271105656918081537

& about understanding the Split Attraction Model and why some people may find it very helpful (not just aces & aros, anyone can use it!) https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1269087098696617984

And about why heteroromantic aces are still LGBTQIA+ (TLDR because they’re not heterosexual) https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1271934465384865798

Demisexuality is housed under the umbrella of asexuality. Demisexuality is not “just how everyone is”. If you read this & think “hey, but that’s how I am?” you just might be demisexual. Demisexuality is a queer identity, as are all aspec identities. Happy #Pride

(Also I’m on Patreon if you want to help me continue to make videos about pop culture and mental health http://Patreon.com/secretladyspider

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Okay bye)