big tw ! just something i need to get off my chest

i’ve been struggling with depression and other shit for a long time and i had my first suicidal thoughts just a bit after i turned 11 and i’ve had them ever since. i had my first attemp when i was 12 and my second one at 14.

i was really close to going through with my last and final attempt just under a month ago. that would’ve been it. even i can say that it was a fail proof plan. but today, while i was watching my sister’s kids run around so happily and pulling me along i realized it wouldn’t have

been worth it. so at that point i decided instead of dying i’m gonna live. i’m gonna say fuck you to the voices in my head telling me to tie a rope around my neck. i’m gonna live. i’m gonna live for my sister who supports me through thick and thin. if i had my last breath at

15 i know she would be so broken. she still hasn’t taken me to a gay club to get drunk drunk for the first time like she promised. i’m gonna live for olivia who was the reason i didn’t go through with my last attemp. after all i did promise to live on a farm with her one day.

and i’m planning to keep that promise. i’m gonna live for all the new friends i’ve made/i’m gonna make here. someone will have to put up with my bad jokes. i’m gonna live for my parents to prove them wrong. to show them i’ll have a successful coffee shop and my own coffee brand.

i’m gonna live for my cats. i know they don’t have long and someone is gonna have to hold their paws while they take their final breaths and to tell them it’ll be okay. i’m gonna live for my snake. someone needs to feed that dumb worm and get him new sticks to climb on.

i’m gonna live for my sister’s son. someone has to pick him up from school and scare every bully that crosses his path. (i also may have promised to take him to legoland one day) i’m gonna live for my sister’s daughter. someone has to take her shopping for new clothes every now

and then and to teach her how to kick any racist so hard they’ll miss their moms. and lastly i’m gonna live for myself. just to show myself that I Can Have Happiness and it Won’t be taken away every time. thank you.