HEY ONE MORE THING.

In light of this news about Warren Ellis and Paul Krueger and all these people (men) abusing power, one thing I think we ought to normalize a lot more is checking in with where people are at emotionally during conversations.

Like...I try to do this fairly often just in my day to day interactions. Making sure the people I'm talking to are doing okay, and that the things I talk about, ask about, requests I make--I like to make sure it's stuff they're cool with.

And it's something a lot of people I talk to seem genuinely surprised to see me doing. I thiiiiiink some women are more conditioned to do this with each other, but I KNOW a lot of men just don't know how to do this at fucking AAALLLLLL.

And this isn't something I think I've like....invented. Or that I'm like some Peerless Master a this. Or that it's even revolutionary.

It's just like....kind? To check in with people over the course of a conversation? Make sure they're okay? Regardless of their gender.

And this isn't something I started doing because I'm some Unproblematic King or some bullshit like that. This is something I had to learn how to do after a bunch of fuck ups (ESPECIALLY navigating this as a matter of DEGREE. How often is appropriate to check in? Stuff like that.)

It took a lot of trial and error and fuck ups and learning for me to figure out how to do this well. But it demanded doing. Because it was something I decided I needed to learn how to do as an autistic man who is often oblivious during social situations.

Like...I wasn't interested in using my disability as a means to get myself out of trouble after the fact.
Hell even if I've already said something inappropriate, I've learned to ask after that fact how they felt about it. To make sure I haven't crossed any line I'm not aware of.

And I I have, I'll own it.

And if I can't figure out why what I said or did was wrong, I'll ask the person I upset to tell me. And I make it clear I'm asking so that I know to NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

THEN I SAY I'M SORRY AND I DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO AVOID REPEATING THE BEHAVIOR.

I've tried to foster an environment where people can feel comfortable telling me their boundaries. And hell!! The more I do this with people the more they reciprocate it. And it just makes everything much easier to deal with.

And this isn't me saying men should have some special burden or some bullshit like that. Cause this is something everyone should learn. Something everyone should know how to do. And I thiiiiink women are more socialized for this stuff?

Ask people how they're doing. Ask often. Tell them the little things you appreciate. Tell them the small things that upset you. Ask about their intentions if you want to. Do it kindly and respectfully. Sometimes you'll fuck up. Everyone does. And then you learn. It's not hard.

Men aren't socialized to notice much, emotionally. This was something *I* had to learn how to do because I'm disabled. And this helps me navigate those power dynamics. But it wasn't something I had to learn because I am a man. And it honestly really should've been.