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I don't know about you homies but the next I decide to date, I'mma treat that woman right. I have been shown things on the streets. I have nothing good to say about the streets (Thread):
So last year, at a time like this, I was chilling in my crib. I had just come from another street ordeal which had resulted in my getting whooped so I was trying to get good with the ancestors for better luck. I was so good that I became my apartment's "uncle high-five"
Now, one of the kid's mother became a friend but she was a bit too old so I was cautious. & I had been whooped before in a similar scenario by the baby daddy; that kind of fucks up your optimism. She'd bring me food sometimes. I bet she took pity. I was as scrawny as a mongrel
That Saturday, she hits me up. Tells me she needs to go see her parents but her taxi drive won't pick her calls. Asks me to take her. Says she'll pay me. When I heard "cash" I threw some expletives the taxi driver's way for effect. Then I cleaned up real quick. T. the Taxi driver
The journey was good. She had 2 fat kids who kept farting after every 2 miles but I was getting paid so I guess "fart away" was the motto. I turned up the radio, and it was rock and roll to grandparents. The neighbor kept glancing at me saying I'd make a very good dad.
We get to our destination & it's so many people. I'm thinking there must be a traditional wedding & shit. We alight everybody dances,, drums are played rapidly. I am quickly ushered into a room full of food. I'm thinking these m'fuckers do know how to treat a man. Real knows real
It was wet-fry chicken in there. Pilau. Goat meat. salad. everything you could think of man. These m'fuckers had made a small heaven. I had been surviving on junk so I was eating like it was illegal to not eat. I ate the goat. Then I ate the chicken. I wasn't playing.
It occurred to me that the other guests in the room were not eating as much. I also noticed that I was the youngest in the room. These mofos looked like they were born in 1,000 BC out here asking "what do you do?". I became alert. Something was wrong.
After 2 hours feast ends. They say it's time to get down to business. I start leaving coz I'm thinking, "this is a family issue" when they ask, "where're you going?". I say, "I thought you guys needed privacy". They say, "no son. You are family. Seat". These old niggas kind af
Elders stand up, give a long history of their daughter (my neighbor), schools she went to, the cost of her education, & food. I'm thinking this bitch cost her old geezers a lot. Every time they'd ask "isn't that expensive?". I was the loudest saying "very expensive" They clapped
As suddenly as it had began, they quickly turned to me and asked, "We are glad you are here. We welcomed you with open arms. You have been very positive. What token of gratitude did you carry for our daughter's hand in marriage?" I can't breathe. are these mofos talking to me?
I realize that my neighbor had promised to come with a man & then she'd disappeared. Now I got to negotiate bride price for her and her fat farting kids. I won't do it. Not even pretend-do. NO! I tell the old geezers I am not her dude but a neighbor. C.H.A.O.S.
They're livid with rage. Some are already poking me with their stuff. The eldest geezer looks so pained: He is petrified, "IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE NOT THE SUITOR, WHY WERE YOU EATING LIKE A SUITOR YOUNG MAN?!!!" How tf could I have known. They were fucking encouraging me.
I realize I am in danger as they call the village young men. The latter weren't any better at reasoning. I realize my life is in danger. I pretend to be dying from a heart attack. They carry me to the car. As soon as they leave to get water to rouse me for good beating. Me 
.
.
Long story short, I drove all the way from Kakamega to Nairobi with a torn vest. Mofos stole my socks and one shoe. Neighbor would come back after 2 weeks talking about: "village people so primitive. Did nyey nyurt you?"
It occurred to me that I was dealing with insanity. I packed my shit. Left for another apartment. Over here I am nobody's uncle. Matter of fact: fuck em kids. I am tired of this shit bro. Man has no peace out here. TIRED! TIRED! TIRED!
