Idk how to say it without sounding like a moron so here we go.
It's been bothering me a lot for the past few years how I thought I might have autism, I wanted to bring it up to my therapist but we were more focused on the surface problems first. Fair enough. 1/?

Right before C hit, I was to be put on meds to stabilize me so we could check me for other things.. which didn't happen. So I was left with a blurry mind thinking what if about everything. And then it came back, what if I have autism? Everything I have links with it! 2/?

So I started doing test after test online, backed by doctors, fact checking it all. I always got a good few points higher than the "more than likely autistic" levels. I didnt feel relieved, or upset, I was neutral. I expect it, but I don't trust an internet test. Even 30. 3/?

Now here I am. Mulling over the possibility. Will it change the way I see myself? The way others see me? Will my family that I have left mock me again? I'm scared, but I want, no I need, to know. Do I, or do I not? And what will it even change if I find out I am? 4/5

I don't want this thread to upset anyone so... this is just a rant and fear gnawing at me post. I just... I've never known myself and i wish I did. I was so close, too.
Tldr I might have autism, I can't exactly get tested. Insurance is shut and the world is shut down.5/5