i think a lot about wwx roasting lwj saying he looks like he's going to a funeral because after a while it settles in that yes, lwj is perpetually stuck to his grief, he's been mourning since he was a child and he just continues to do so when wwx is gone, finding new layers

imo the way it goes is lwj learns as a child to think of good behaviour = being allowed to see his mother, to the point where when he can't anymore his tiny logic is that he must have done something wrong, caused it somehow, and i think that guilt traps him

of course after a while he understands he didn't actually kill her, but i think as a cuild that's a very common fear (oh no that thing i did as a joke must have caused this big thing i don't understand) and by the time he gets it, his guilt runs deeply already

that's why he is not only willing, but somewhat eager to be punished when he thinks he made a mistake (see: scene after wwx gets him drunk, marking himself after wwx dies)

it's this deep understanding that he deserves this pain, he's unable to move on, unable to release himself

it must get stronger after wwx dies, because then it's not only his childish logic making an unreasonable connection

he spends those years thinking he should have been by his side, regretting it

therefore, he must mourn, he must punish himself, there's no escape

what makes it worse is that whatever unresolved conversations he is left with, whatever punishment he thinks he deserves, there's no finish line, death is something you don't come back from

except wwx does, which probably brings him some relief, of course, but also...

at least a part of him thinks he caused wwx's death, and he's not responsible for the return. he didn't fix anything, he tried and his efforts were useless.

... is he glad wwx returned? yes.
does he think he deserves it? i don't think so, to be honest.

he comes to the understanding the rules he used to follow aren't all that black and white, and he can shift that perception. how could he not, after that traumatic experience?

but I don't think that releases him from the restraint he casts upon himself from a very young age.

with age lwj probably comes to terms with a lot of it: logically speaking he didn't kill his mother, he has been stuck with this guilt for too long, he doesn't need to mourn wwx forever

but release? nah. not that easy.

i think wwx's ability to let things go is fundamental for their relationship to work, because if there was any tiny little bit ounce of resentment in him towards lwj, that would tip the scale too far.

lwj blames himself already, he needs someone to show him he doesn't have to.

this is so big, so deep inside of him that he needs to be told: it wasn't your fault, i'm here, i'm back, i need you, you don't deserve this pain, you have endured punishment enough.

it's wwx peeling off his layers, allowing him healing (he can have some, as a treat).

ultimately that is such a heavy weight to carry, so tied to his personality, it will never be natural for him to let go

wwx's presence really is needed as multiple reminders, because that mourning never truly leaves him. still, it gets better.

what lwj shows wwx is that there's love in holding: he doesn't always have to leave, he doesn't need to go alone, he's more than the chaos he was raised in. wwx is changeable, and lwj allows that to happen, to find holding without holding him *back*

what wwx shows lwj is that there's love in letting go: forgiving himself, forgetting some of the past, he's more than the restraint he was raised in. lwj is stability, and wwx doesn't dismiss that, he just shows him how to be kinder to himself by letting guilt go.