My friend who escaped the abusive relationship inspired me to look up some statistics:
-over 80% of domestic violence victims (who were also pet owners) reported violence or threats against their pets. This was used to coerce or control them or their kids.

Remember, abuse is

...primarily about *control*. So, whether you were actually being hit or threatened yourself, you ARE actually being abused if your pet is threatened.

You're not overreacting, & you're not making things up. You're not the CAUSE of the abusers behavior.

Here's some other atypical ways an abuser can *control* his victim.
-Keeping her pregnant. This includes messing w/her birth control, or refusing to use it himself. She's more vulnerable in this state.
-Interfering w/work or transportation. It's much easier to isolate &

....manipulate someone who is regularly getting reprimanded at work.
-Threatening SELF-harn. This one is particularly insidious. I was a victim of this type of abuse. Someone who threatens to kill themselves if you do/don't do certain things is ABUSIVE. They are leveraging...

...your love or compassion for them to *get what they want*, whatever that may be. They keep your anxiety sky-high, so that you question every little decision you make.
The 1st counselor I ever had said to me, "You can tell your mother to call a therapist. You can remind her that

"...you have school."
I was shocked: "I don't think I care as much about SCHOOL as I do about whether or not my mother will KILL HERSELF."
It seemed wildly out of proportion to me.
What I couldn't see is how strange it was for a middle-aged woman to reach out to a college

...student for help. However, I'd spent my entire life being groomed to be her emotional support. I didn't *have* any other experience to glean from.

MANIPULATIVE threats of suicide are real, terrible to deal with, & heap bales of guilt on the victim. It is reasonable...

...to call the a user's therapist, or any supportive resource, EVERY single time someone threatens suicide to control you.

--Isolation. One of the worst factors in dealing w/abuse as a victim is the systemic isolation---the kind that usually happens so slowly, you don't see it

...until you look around & realize you've lost everyone. The abuser will speak negatively of, & try to weasel their way out of:
-social functions
-church groups
-nights-out
-family holidays
-work functions
...and will SEEM to have a legitimate reason for all of these things.

Only when you NEED HELP do you look around and realize, "Somehow I've driven everyone away. WTF?"
It's not you. It's a response to your circumstances.
This is one reason why I regularly respond to abuse victims who reach out to me on social media, REGARDLESS of how long its been

...since I heard from them, or even if they've said something negative or nasty to me. Abuse victims not only have no one, they're ASHAMED of having no one. They think, "I was such an asshole, no one would ever want to help me now that I'm at my lowest."

ANY of us who have...

...been there both understand, and don't give a flying fuck. Abuse messes w/your perceptions, keeps your fight-or-flight response on high alert, & skewers your ability to function in relationships. That can be fixed LATER. Let's get you the help you need NOW.

--Financial abuse. The victim has little or no access to bank accounts, debit cards, online banking, or bills. They frequently are required to keep careful accounting of all their purchases, sometimes to the penny. Abusers often spend whatever they want on themselves, but...

....allocate little or no money to the family's actual needs, much less their wants. The abuser may have ruined the victim's credit, intentionally. This HAPPENED 2 years ago to a friend of mine as she tried to leave. YOU GUYS gave over $3000 to her to help her get started, BUT,

...she couldn't get a bank account for 2 weeks. Her ex husband had run up credit card bills in her name, & just NEVER paid them. Eventually, she was able to find an understanding local bank that REGULARLY, & quietly, provided these services for victims escaping DV. Today, she...

...runs her own business, has her own home & car, & is prepping her son to start college.

--being a male victim. Let me say this loudly: MEN ARE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS TOO, & DESERVE AS MUCH SUPPORT AS WE CAN GIVE THEM.

Male victims can be from hetero or homosexual relationships. One of my worst memories as a child of DV was coming home from my university, & seeing that my mom had punched my dad so hard that she dislocated his jaw.

Male victims have an extra layer of isolation due to the..

...assumption that they would use male privilege to assert power & dominance. The heartbreaking part is when the man is trying to LEARN abt feminist concerns, & has that turned against him as a form of gaslighting. I've *seen* it happen, & not just in my family. ANY ideology

...no matter how pure or well-intentioned it is at the core, can be refashioned into a weapon, in the hands of an abuser. Male victims can have all of the above issues, yet be told it's their own fault.

Okay, I've got work to do today, but remember to be kind to yourself, &

...remember that none of us are born knowing this stuff. You're not responsible for an abusers behavior. You're only responsible for self-care, your kids/pets, & what steps you take next.

#LLAP

Dang, I almost forgot the 2 most helpful visual aids I've seen in helping me see, "Is this a slip-up or abuse?"