ENTER... if you DARE!!! [HALLOWEEN DECORATION NOISE]

1. these r random order but hubert/ferdinand gets to be first because it was like...the first three houses ship i dug deep into the soil of the ao3 tag for. i think it is good that ferdinand, a nice boy, considers "looks like he turns into a bat at night" to be a charm point

2. dorothea/felix. because:
DOROTHEA: maybe it's stupid of me but i want to be loved by someone for who i am, and not for my looks, or my boobs, or my singing—
FELIX: what do you mean, your "singing." you sing?
DOROTHEA:
FELIX:
FELIX: what do you mean, your "boobs." you have b

3. hilda/claude, for the versatility of like, being a politically savvy power couple that also run a completely fabricated skateboarding e-couple tiktok influencing brand to build funds for said politics

4. felix/annette. all short girls wield a psychic hold over felix but annette's thrall is the strongest, and he is the weakest to it, and she uses that power to like throw paperbacks at him. and also, complex dadfeelings, and also, their COLOUR PALETTES

5. hubert/sylvain is like hubert puts poison in sylvains fries and is like Ha Ha Fucking Idiot Doesnt Even Know Hes Eating Poison and sylvain smiles at him across the medieval caf like Ha Ha Fucking Stupid Idiot As If That Doesnt Make Me Want Them Even More, and then, kissing

6. hilda and felix both enter the ring like "are you ready to pioneer kismesising for the medieval human age" but after about ten minutes hilda is like [EXHALING FROM THE BROTHERTRAUMA VAPE] you wanna learn how to do macrame, gayboy. and felix is like you know what. fuck it. sure

7. ferdinand/dorothea!!! they are both beautiful and have 100 children!!! she thinks he is a despicable clown until she learns actually he is an entirely DIFFERENT sort of clown!!! he makes their bed very neatly every single day and faithfully, earnestly likes all her insta posts

8. sylvain/bernadetta. when ur long-term beta reader gives u a really thorough and honest piece of crit because they believe in how good ur work COULD be... and that u are stable enough to hear that... and also they are big and orange... thats when u propose

9. felix/bernadetta, in the way where like WORLD: Very Difficult, THIS ONE THING, WHICH IS THE PERSON I LOVE: Soothing, and also because she looks at him and is like haha oh i get it! youre a freak! i see now! youre just a weird little guy! as if he is a cat she watched eat a bug

10. dimitri/sylvain contains the multitudes of:
- Love U Dude But Both Our Brains Are Ramming Together Like Deeply Unsexy Bumper Cars
- bro...we r friends reconnecting...bro
- There doesnt need to be a spreadsheet for that!!!
- taking turns hitting each other with folding chairs?

11. petra/dorothea and the 80,000 word fic inside my heart where petra takes dorothea hiking and dorothea says yes because she is gay. and then dorothea is ill-prepared and dressed wrong for the woods in late summer, and gets sunburnt, and gets OFF!® Deep Woods® in her mouth, and

12. sylvain/felix is cool because felix is like, instinctively emotionally intelligent but completely without conscious understanding of it, while sylvain is emotionally intelligent and AWARE of that but CHOOSES to step in shit? and also they are friends, and close, and rascals.

13. hubert/bernadetta! strangling bernadettas father to death is not only a relatively straightforward and morally uncomplicated murder to do, assuming bernadetta is aware of it and okay with it—it is ALSO a pretty fun way to kill time on a tuesday or wednesday afternoon!

14. edelgard/bernadetta on a date to the sanrio store. edelgard/bernadetta at one of many build-a-bear workshops fodlanwide. bernadetta frowning at their basic designs and subpar workmanship. bernadetta building edelgard a better bear at home, for free, with love

15. byleth/rodrigue. why not. fuck it. you like fishing, mr fraldarius? don't bother answering, please, it's unimportant. i'm your step-professor now, felix

16. ashe/dedue is just GOOD OK!!! ashe cares for and is interested in dedue and his life and interests and experiences and goals and i like that!!! i think about them chilling in the greenhouse ok!!! dedue gently smiling at ashe and his plants!!! i am SIMPLE!!!! OKAY!!!!!!!!

17. mercedes/sylvain, who both would benefit from therapy, which does not yet exist in fodlan. but what DOES exist is like, coadopting a dog you knit sweaters for, and saying Fuck Dragon Blood Clout. and they are both different flavors of Chill But Also Can Deliver A Good Threat?

18. dimitri/marianne is like [VIBRATES PSYCHICALLY, TOGETHER, UNTIL OUR MENTAL ILLNESSES SHARE HARMONIOUS FREQUENCIES] oh look at that pretty horse! *looks at another horse* ah, a lovely horse *looks at another horse* such a sweet horse! my goodness! *looks at another h

19. edeleth is powerful battle dragon romance love AND it is also fucking the funniest thing that edelgard met this girl in the middle of a crumbling attempt to take a hit out on her classmates, watched her pet a walleye in the monastery lake like a cat, and fell in love forever

20. mercedes/hubert, because
HUBERT: i am performing unconscionable acts in animal crossing: new horizons
MERCEDES: i am having a lovely family dinner in resident evil 7: biohazard! :-)

21. marihilda, due to
HILDA: heyy marianne :) youre in like, anime club or something, right?
MARIANNE: no, um, i'm in horse club, for h—
HILDA: well i GUESS i can learn the haruhi dance or whatever for you :) but JUST because it's you, ok? ahha :)
MARIANNE:
MARIANNE: please don't

22. hildagard. five foot tall axe girl 4 five foot tall axe girl. will they kiss? fight? neg one another? kiss again? stress out their friends with their choice in person to kiss? sources say: all of the above

23. felix/caspar. a relationship can be two short blue men and their vat of protein powder

24. felix/claude bc claudes issues are so far removed from any of felixs faerghus baggage that it is simultaneously 1. fucking funny because felix is like a little baggage alien and 2. interesting to see how they intersect and overlap. also they both walk around being 5'8"

25. edelgard/sylvain is not something i feel in like a long-term passionate romance way so much as the specific scenario i never shut up about where he says something smart in front of her at a party and she NEEDS to like, ragekiss him, viscerally. and then they are friends

26. ferdinand/sylvain mutually tumble into flirting/kissing/friendship/bed based on like: you're orange, i'm orange, let's do this. and then they discover neither of them is as shallow or insufferable as the other assumed! and THEN they learn they are both Horseboys, Fated To Be

27. caspar/ashe? ashe holds caspars hand as caspar receives the tetanus booster shot ashe urged him to get. of COURSE you need to hop into that dumpster or impulsively jump that rusty chainlink fence when you think there's kittens or ghosts or ruffians afoot. but lockjaw blows!

28. caspar/linhardt wherein caspar crushes a can against his forehead, and linhardt idly wonders how many cans hed have to crush like that to achieve even a mild concussion. caspar interprets this as a challenge

29. caspar/ashe/linhardt. ashe holds caspars hand as linhardt administers the tetanus shot

30. lysithea/annette *whips my midterms flashcards at you like brain shuriken* neither of us are tall enough for rollercoasters!!! bitch!!!

31. ashe/dimitri. you have been dating for 9 years and yet sometimes, to this day, you refer to your boyfriend during sex as the character he was cosplaying at the con where you first met

32. dedue/sylvain. sylvain displays intelligence and emotional understanding on his deepweb alt twitter but lists himself as a Public Figure on his instagram with 750K followers where his username is like @LONGBOARDTAINT420. dedue loves him, but also has had him blocked for years

dedue uses his instagram twice a year to post images of his dozen thriving monstera plants. if sylvain could see those posts he would like and comment on them, and the comment would be greatly embarrassing to sylvain himself. but he cant, very fortunately, because he is blocked

33. hilda/caspar. caspar is the guy at lady footlocker who measures her shoe size and she is captivated by the full litre jug of blue gatorade he carries with him like a football. she meets him again when she comes back to return the shoes he sold her, because he measured wrong

34. ingrid and dorotheas ongoing youtube channel saga to find and review a lip stain that can withstand
a) ayce kbbq hour
b) street hotdog
c) the full circumference of a sizeable lamb shawarma
d) nother street hotdog
e) campfire bratwurst
f) kbbq followed by street hotdog

35. felix/ashe. some are born kindating, some achieve kindating, and some have kindating thrust upon them. thy ao3 tags open their hands. let thy brain problems embrace them

36. dimitri/dedue? bro i still cant remain calm and normal through their a-support like it is TENSE and ROMANTIC DRAMA they are like the closest two humans can possibly be? i would like them to do nice things together like learn bread recipes or garden. thank you for listening

37. sylvain and dorothea's shared dbt worksheet binder

38. felix/leonie, because being a clown with someone is a connection beyond romantic love or physical attraction. to platonically and nonsexually clown with someone is the pinnacle of human intimacy

39. dimitri/ashe/felix. literally just thinking about that one fic where ashe is like a part time cafe employee who decides to be brave and plunge into the world of Sugaring For My Lifetime Competitive Skating-World Crush, Felix Fraldarius, And His Hockey Husband Also

40. felix/lysithea. when i was a kid i always tried to stick my hand way into my friends easy bake oven. didnt go particularly well due to it being designed not to facilitate second degree child-burns but that never stopped me even once. just ate the batter and toasted my hands

41. dimitri/byleth. sometimes u want like...an extremely refreshing cucumber roll. the rice cooked to perfection. the cucumber crisp and cool. served at the precise temperature that would make it most delicious. that is how i feel when dimitri calls professor fishbait his Beloved

42. catherine/shamir... i would like them to discuss for many hours over the course of a year what car they should co-purchase, and how sensible or cool it should be, and then they remember it is like 1189, and fodlans cars are all horses, which they already have.

43. felix says something deeply embarrassing, and byleth stares in silence, and felix realizes what he said was deeply embarrassing, and byleth stares in silence, and felix tries to kick cat litter over his shame, and byleth is like "one time your dad told me you were REAL weird"

44. hilda/dimitri. what better place for a first date than gronder field :)

hilda racking up thousands of dollars in credit card debt because she keeps buying floating shelves from ikea for dimitri to come help her install

45. edelgard/dorothea/ferdinand/hubert: now THIS is a polycule with a shared google calendar that i would read like a fucking novel

46. jeritza/byleth: you can... candy salmon? then yes, i dont see why legal marriage would be an obstacle at all. let us begin at once. i will leave the worms to you

47. hubert/byleth/edelgard. doing the evil dishes for my villainous Wives, in my elbow-length rubber gloves, which are very evil also

48. marianne and ferdinand's hands touch as they both reach for the same bottle of mane'n'tail

49. marianne and ferdinand and dimitris hands touch as they all reach for the same bottle of mane'n'tail. they are cleaning their horses together

50. PETRA, QUEEN OF BRIGID: *shakes a bag of jerky, tired*
FELIX, HER HUSBAND: [EMERGING FROM THE WOODS, COVERED IN BURRS] what

51. https://twitter.com/wifesimulator/status/1187103848588042242?s=19

52. hilda is, despite herself, endeared to seteth, who is sometimes Wise but often, Cringe. seteth is touched by hildas surprising dedication to their books, which distracts him while hildas like "hey flayn :) wanna go to the sephora in the mall with your dads church credit card"

53. felix insists to mostly himself that he is NOT pouting because his cat is sweeter to dimitri than to him. he knows she is just baiting him with sad eyes for treats. however, he cannot deny: the cat does respect claude above all others. the cat and claude may be In Cahoots.

54. i think dorothea and mercedes should talk shit about fodlans system of inherited nobility based upon crest blood together, and i think they should raise orphans after the war, and i really really think they should kiss. i think this would be important, and good

55. initially jeralt hopes fucking seteth will irritate rhea but it turns out he mostly just kind of has a thing for green pope-adjacent people? they have heartfelt discussions about single fatherhood? flayn has TWO dads to provide her with fish now?

56. mercedes & dedue are both into: cooking, flowers, needlework, justified anger which their life unfolding around them has required the constriction of to keep others at ease. and then they whip out a casual noscope of a sentence and dark souls YOU DIED fades in on the screen

mercedes squeezed lorenz through his own $399 juicer and pulled him back out by the hair

damn goodnight king....

57. felix and jeritza meet when they are the only two people in the gym at 3:33 AM. their eventual shared apartment looks like a featureless concrete r/malelivingspaces gamecube dungeon and their fridge only holds raw meat and frozen mochi. the both of them have Couple's Scurvy

felix has fraldarius money but when left to his own devices his living spaces default to
1. bedroom unchanged from when he was 12 and "Out" as a pisces, which he is no longer
2. featureless white cube
3. underground medieval armory with three monitors on which to play touhou

58. rhealeth is so many different and unique levels of Insane that i cant do anything but support it. god lives in your head and shes the mom of your thick lizard pope, who is kind of YOUR mom, but also you are kind of HER mom, due to said god? fuck it. propose to her at church

59. sylvain admits in the home depot parking lot that he has cried every time he's watched the lizzie mcguire movie, ever, and ingrid admits she does not know who elizabeth mcguire is, and then they get out of ingrid's subaru forester to browse Industrial Meat Freezers For Her

60. i like when claude operates under a dozen different levels of obfuscation for reasons both strategic and emotional and dimitri is comparatively very earnest. i also like when dimitri is in his aggro edgelord mallgoth phase and claude is like *looks at the camera* Okay Cool

61. annette is so very small and dedue is quite tall. annette is knocking dedue's houseplants to the floor and dedue is informing her that many of those now-broken leaves may be propagated. annette is shattering the jars those leaves are propagating in. it's fine. it's fine

41. dimileth is such a big honkers power couple

62.
- ingrid: fumbling through increasingly gay haircuts, forcing a vault of neuroses shut so she can be Responsible
- mercedes: confidently and openly 1. into women 2. kind of crazy 3. keeping meat snacks in her purse to offer ingrid with a flat palm, as if approaching a horse

63. ingrid/mercedes/sylvain. mercedes perceives and understands the respective emotional issues of ingrid and sylvain. and neither are important right now. they are both going to help her prove ghosts are real this instant

64. manuela/ferdinand. it's about coming home to your husband after a busy day of work and finding the dildos washed and the dishwasher loaded