Had the 'I'm ace' 'What's wrong with you?' chat again today.

It's not the first time.

Those words don't bother me because I've always known they were ridiculous. I have other vulnerable places. We all have something.

They're never helpful though

Thread time! #AcePride 1/

A lot of people don't know much about Ace identity. That's ok. Everything's a journey. You might not really know how to respond when someone tells you.

But I can help you navigate away from some things you might say that make it harder for ace people. And explain why.

2/

So, let's start with today's example.

'You're asexual? What's wrong with you?'

Nothing.

Nada.

ничего.

There's nothing wrong with us. It's just a question of attraction.

Who you are or aren't attracted to isn't a sickness or a problem. It's just... facts.

3/

Why is it unhelpful to ask?

Well, because it tells people you think there's something inherently weird, wrong or unacceptable about a simple unwilled unchanging fact.

It puts the onus on us to explain (for the umpteenth time)

It pathologises something perfectly normal.

3/

Not experiencing sexual attraction isn't a terrible thing. It's not a problem. It's just one more way of being.

4/

Another classic question (also experienced today) is

'Well, how do you know if you haven't tried it!?'

Haven't tried what? Being sexually attracted to people? It's not something I can spontaneously manifest, you know!

5/

Oh...you meant, I'd have to have sex to know I was asexual?

Classic. It's true. It's only after having sex for the first time that you realise that you're gay or straight or bi...

You roll over, go 'nope, that was horrendous' and head off into the kingdom of gay. Right!? 6/

I am, of course, being facetious but hopefully the silliness of the argument above illustrates the false premise in the 'but you just haven't tried!' narrative.

Asexuality is about sexual attraction. You don't need to have sex to realise you're not attracted to someone!

So why isn't it helpful to ask?

Well, because 'but you just haven't tried!' is based on a pretty silly premise.

But it's a bit more serious here. It leads to people feeling pressured. It can lead to people questioning themselves and doing things they're not really up for. 8/

Also 'you just haven't tried it!' as an argument dismisses asexual people, their experiences, their knowledge of themselves.

It also once again suggests (wrongly) that asexuality isn't normal

AND

We do get tired of the same questions!

Number three in the chart of 'not very helpful, thank you very much' is

'You must be so lonely and sad!'

I mean... sorry to be sassy but if the only thing you've got bringing you joy is rubbing genitals with someone else then I think I'm winning the 'less sad life' olympics 10/

The less sassy answer is that I know you care and you're struggling to imagine a life that's different than the one you want. You're also, right now, maybe struggling to differentiate sex and love. Or sex and companionship.

There's actually a lot of conflation going on...

First, some facts.

1) Some asexual people do experience romantic love
2) Romantic love is not better or deeper than platonic love
3) Asexuals can be in long term queer platonic or romantic relationships
4) Being single isn't a bad thing. It's for some, it isn't for others. 12/

I see your concern when you say 'but you must be lonely' or 'I hope you do experience it some day' but it's not helpful. It can be really harmful.

It tells me you don't think my life is worth as much or my choices are as worthy as yours because of a question of attraction. 13/

The 'you must be lonely' is also annoying for another reason.

Ace people might want a partner and find it difficult to believe in the possibility. Because we're always hearing messages about how wrong, weird, unwhole we are.

How no-one would want us. 14/

The 'you must be lonely' line just drives that narrative a bit deeper in.

It's totally false fyi. All my lovely aces - there are so many of us! And lots of people will love you who aren't ace as well. There are so many examples.

#acefamily can you share any?

Stay away from 'you must be lonely'

It presumes a lot. It creates a world in which in the only 'good' way to live is in a sexual, romantic relationship. And let's be real... that's just not true! It also hurts people who are already hurting.

Yeet it all the way into the bin 15/

Last but one for tonight. This is the one I've been hit with the most. And the one that hurts the most.

'Are you just saying that because nobody loves you? Are you finding excuses.'

16/

That answer's all about you. That answer's all about what you're willing to say and think about me. It tells me how worthless you think I am.

You presume no-one loves me. You think my orientation is based on who's attracted to me.

Why would you say that?

17/

You'll ask me if I'm asexual because no-one loves me. Do you ask women if they're straight because they 'can't get a girlfriend' or gay man whether they're gay because they struck out with the ladies?

Of course not.

It's a horrible question. 18/

The last main one is

'Are you sure?'

Yes. I. Am.

Why do you ask?

19/

By the way, if you're not sure, that's ok too! If you're trying to work out who you are - that's fine!

It's hard to sort through especially when there is very little representation of asexuality. When most of the time everything's telling you that allo life is the only life. 21/

But the question 'Are you sure?' has a lot of background meanings and none of them are very helpful.

It says: I hope you're not; it would be a bad thing if you were; I don't believe you; you're delusional.

None of those are good reactions.

If you're not sure - listen. 22/

Ask open questions. Admit a lack of knowledge.

'That's not something I know a lot about, can you explain.'

It might be the 99th time we've answered but it gives us the room to explain without it being about your doubt, disbelief or judgement. Without it being a defence. 23/

I don't speak for every #asexual. Some of them might hate that question.

I can pretty much guarantee though that we'd all be totally up for this reaction. 24/

I'll end this thread with a few other least favourite responses. I think you can see why. Just know, when someone tells you they're ace, they'll have heard these.

Your question might feel kind to you or just curious but it might be a hearty smack on an open knife wound. 25/

5) You're a heartless bitch, you can't feel anything
4) How could anyone love you?
3) You must have been abused
2) It's not natural
1) You just haven't had a good fucking.

Crude but I've heard them all. They're all lies. Don't listen to them. I love you my ace family. #AcePride