Happy Wednesday! Today we're going to delve into the universe of DISNEY'S GARGOYLES, the 90s show that made medieval architecture cool again!

This cartoon is sponsored by my dear wonderful friend @ silver-millennial, who donated to Black Lives Matter! If you'd like to do the same, find some information here: https://sailormoonsub.tumblr.com/post/621041236476903424/sailormoonsub-sailormoonsub-hey-all-ive

Some organizations are already oversaturated with donations– this article from 2 days ago showcases some smaller foundations and funds that can still use help! Thanks to everyone who's donated so far. https://nymag.com/strategist/article/where-to-donate-for-black-lives-matter.html

Honestly if you told me tomorrow that boulders have begun raining down from the heavens in Midtown Manhattan I'd be like "classic 2020"

We all know this can only mean one thing......... giant magical cat in the sky needs attention

the fire hydrant breaks and instead of blasting her in the face with a torrent of water it has the dignity to become an extremely aesthetic and dramatic spattering of rain

OH TO BE IN A SCOTTISH CASTLE UNDER SIEGE IN THE YEAR 994 A.D.

Famous last words

Of COURSE I’m trespassing! It’s tenth century Scotland! This is the only hobby! What ELSE am I gonna do besides conquer territory? Grow plants like some nerd monk?

this child is like "yes, comrade! the oversized turkey leg is the weapon of the people!"

Little known fact: the first YEET in recorded history actually occurred over one thousand years ago!

I LOVE this lady gargoyle who managed to invent 80s hair in the Middle Ages

Tower guard on his first day of work who managed to sling 1 arrow in the vague direction of the invading army: I did this!! I'm special!!!

Goliath: well if I say anything NOW then I'll look like an asshole

No offense but anyone who holds a goblet like THIS is on the wrong side of history

"I just don't want beasts to dine in the same room as me" bitch there's already dogs right there in the Mead-Hall! Just say you're gargoylephobic

"as ruler of this kingdom I order you to never ever tell me anything ever again"

This is the universal signal for "I think I will cause problems on purpose"

So the humans have stripped the gargoyles of their rights and made them second-class citizens in their own territory??? Gee good thing that this is just in fantasy and not in real life..........

Yo I don't want to alarm you but I think your castle is like. 1 dance party away from falling into the Atlantic.

Men in shadowy hooded cloaks are ALWAYS trying to make deals that appeal to your hubris while serving their own aims

Lady Gargoyle said ACAB

Also I am DEEPLY inspired by the wings that can fold up into a cape. Thinking about working this in to my post-quarantine wardrobe somehow.

Am I gonna be emo about how the gargoyles don't feel the need to identify themselves individually because they're all part of a collective of friends??? Yeah I am!! What are you going to do about it??

YOU’RE TELLING ME GARGOYLES LAY EGGS??????? this show just keeps getting wilder

I'm not entirely sure about the technicalities of the Gargoyle Rules, but if they turn to stone when the sun rises, then it took this guy a surprisingly long time to think of "attack during the day instead of at night"

DAMN THE 1 GUY WHO THINKS GARGOYLES ARE CHILL JUST SOLD OUT HIS GARGOYLE-HATING KINGDOM TO.... ANOTHER GUY WHO ALSO HATES GARGOYLES

OH MY GOD NO

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Yeah so much for “OUR ARROWS MADE THEM RUN” huh??

Hakon: this magic won't stop me because I can't read!

Princess "Gargoyles Don't Have Rights" sure has changed her tune ever since they ended up being her only chance at survival!

This Viking Vs. Gargoyle showdown can only end in blood and these peasants all seem very chill with it.

now if only the gargoyles could save us from the shackles of serfdom.....

Dude are we being cursed right now??? It totally feels like we’re being cursed.

Captain of the guard: (deep breath) So no one told you life was gonna be this way–

The Mouse Company: We need to dispose of the villain in a manner that is bloodless and doesn't put any blame on the virtuous protagonist.

Precarious ledge over a steep fall: Don't worry I got this

Just to be clear: i didn't kill that guy, but i REALLY WANTED TO

“what sorcery is this?”
“it’s sorcery”
“yeah but WHAT sorcery?”
“the magic kind”

JUST THE ONE PAGE

WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THIS SPELL???? HOW OFTEN DOES THIS SITUATION COME UP

(raises an army of gargoyle babies out of guilt)

Goliath: Listen if I'm going to be turned into a statue for 1000+ years, I'm going to look GOOD while I'm doing it!!!

Nice castle you got there. Would be a shame if it were to....... rise above the clouds

This is one of those quotes that's like "oh who said that? Thomas Hobbes? Shakespeare?" and no it's Evil 90s Will Riker from Gargoyles

For personal reasons I will be reconstructing a haunted medieval Scottish castle on top of my NYC penthouse

Let me pretend for a minute that Xanatos is just genuinely happy to have reunited all these devoted friends with one another

Tag yourself I’m Gargoyle 1

"WHY HAVE YOU SPENT YOUR EFFORTS IN REAWAKENING US"

"idk I was rich and bored"

HEY WAIT WAS THERE ALWAYS A SECRET PANEL WITH A LASER GUN IN THIS CASTLE, OR

Hear that? He's telling us to eat him

Did Xanatos seriously buy a castle so that his secret lab would have built-in bodyguards? There's other home security systems and they only take like an afternoon to install

(A Matter of Trust by Billy Joel plays in the background)

Xanatos: Well funny you should mention that! (hands Maza a document titled Petition for Xanatos’ Awesome Sky Castle to Secede from the United States)

That’s the face of a man who knows that you don’t need permits for laser guns if nobody knows that laser guns have been invented

One of these days your sarcastic comments to yourself while conducting a secret investigation are going to get you BUSTED but until then please continue

to be fair if I was swept up in the arms of a ripped statue and flown to safety I would say "OK" too

Goliath and Maza have only known each other 5 minutes and they're already arguing about how justice cannot hold when laws are tools designed to maintain the interests of the policymakers and their donors :') I say in all sincerity this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship

First lesson: which pizza places are good, and which ones should have been shut down for health code violations years ago.

"think of them as magic talismans" works as an explanation for anyone who died before 1970 and anyone who was born after 1990

WOW THE PLOT TWISTS DON'T STOP COMING FOR EVEN A MINUTE DO THEY

"To give something a name is to project the viewer’s false constructed identity, and it’s a ridiculous task to presume to know such an eternal majestic thing as this earth! Who can claim ownership over, for instance, this river?”

“This is so awkward, but, the state of New York.”

(defines myself as an individual out of spite)

OK BOOMER

This is one of those moments where it suddenly hits me that this movie aired pre-9/11 and I realize how many of the American shows that I grew up with in the early 2000s had a mild air of nationalistic propaganda. Existential crisis time brb

I have to assume that this means Xanatos watches MTV 24/7

GO OFF MARGOT!!!!

*I do think the justice system should focus on crime prevention rather than punishment by providing health services and alleviating poverty, but if we're just looking at short term individual solutions, having a gargoyle smack em around a little bit is probably pretty effective

what you call "an unfortunate traffic accident on the extraordinarily empty streets of NYC," I call a FREE MOTORCYCLE!!!

If mankind was inherently evil, would my mom have sung to me when I was a child?? Checkmate scientists!!! I can probably think of other examples too if you give me a minu [my monologue on humanity's potential for kindness is interrupted by a kidnapping]

villains: hehehe they're never find this cleverly planted tracker (the tracker is bright red, the size of an Oreo, and has the company's design emblazoned on its face)

I think I speak for all the geologists here when I say, what KIND of rock do the gargoyles turn into when the sun rises?

The detailed backgrounds of Central Park in this chase sequence are OFF the CHAIN

Oh no! All this perfectly good orange juice is going to waste!

Gee this looks dangerous. It's a good thing there's never any people in Central Park

no matter how many near-death experiences she goes through, Eliza Maza is ALWAYS at the top of her reductive commentary game

omg decorate him with Mardi Gras beads or a funny hat while he's imprisoned in stone by the sun

Maza: (keeps at least 1 hand firmly inside hoodie pocket at all times for security reasons)

I LOVE that all the gargoyles have found value in recognizing themselves as individuals not defined by contingent relationships to others and I also love that they apparently chose these names in 20 seconds by taking a cursory glance at a map of NYC and saying "I vibe with that"

Can you imagine reuniting with the love of your life for the first time in 1000 years and the first thing they say to you is “This tender moment is brought to you by: David Xanatos. David Xanatos: you should help him find those floppy disks!™”

Xanatos in the background: gargoyle hugs must be great because they have a built-in blankie

we learned Modern English through the Sailor Moon dub to really capture the vernacular of the culture. here are some key phrases that we learned so far: That's major boss! You're buggin', girl! What a hunkasaurus!

Goliath, slowly realizing that maybe humans have rights: murder is OK but not right now

every impenetrable fortress has a conspicuous trap door animated on a separate cel layer. it’s an important part of the design

YOU SHOULD KNOW BY THE LAW OF DRAMATIC IRONY NEVER TO REMARK UPON HOW WELL THINGS ARE GOING FOR YOU

this is what I picture in my head when someone says that major social media networks are stealing your information to sell to corporations

“I got what we came here for!”

“Great! Now we can leave without resorting to violen–”

“I’m gonna commit arson now!”

oh my god I was not expecting a Disney show to have such a high body count

........ it's 3 separate PC booter copies of DIG DUG, isn't it

“When you make an exception for Xanatos, you yourself are admitting that not all humans can be judged by the same standards!”

“I’m going to ignore that point because it doesn’t fit with my established ideology!”

Of COURSE it is. Xanatos doesn’t care about what’s “smart” or “moral” or “a good idea” he just lives for the attention

in his defense all the local hired actors involved in the staged robbery were compensated well for their time and it's a big resume booster especially for those just starting out in the performing arts industry

Lexington is writing his autobiography. Nobody bother him

YOU EVER JUST.... ACCIDENTALLY AGREE TO HELP ACTIVATE TECHNOLOGY THAT WILL ULTIMATELY REPLACE YOU WITH 5 COPIES OF YOURSELF THAT DON'T HAVE FREE WILL

no offense but why did he even bother awakening the gargoyles if he was just gonna build gargoyles: this time with 150% more lasers

YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO sword

"guess that’s on me for equipping each one with a stick of cartoon dynamite”

wait a second put the flamethrower down I want to get this "dude" thing squared away first

Actually my plan was backed up by research. In a randomized survey of 6000 participants, when given the choice between “a tenuous alliance with people who don’t respect you” and “a motherfuckin CASTLE” all of them picked the castle.

just a reminder that IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL THERE IS GOOD AND EVIL TOO

(1500 word essay on how, while most of the gargoyles chose their own names, Demona kept the one given to her by humans, and thus identifies herself through their perception of her: a frightening and unforgiving demonic entity)

I THINK IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT THIS 10TH CENTURY CASTLE IS NOT UP TO CODE

you think you can scare me? i'm too smug to fear death!

if you ever have any doubts about what decision you should make, just ask yourself: "will my ex feel like her misguided ethics have been entirely vindicated by my behavior?" also ask "how disappointed would the audience be if you killed off a character voiced by Jonathan Frakes"

Well she’s on all the major marketing and promotional materials so I’m gonna go ahead and say she’s fine.

(Goliath sitting in the front row at the stadium with a hot dog and a soda) quite frankly this wasn't what I was expecting at all

WHAT A WILD RIDE! That’s the end of the Gargoyles: The Awakening! A million thanks to @ silver-millennial​ [on tumblr] once again for selecting this show.

Gargoyles isn’t part of my usual programming here, but if you want to read more threads about it, you can sponsor an episode through ko-fi, patreon, or donation to a charity of your choice in support of BLM. https://sailormoonsub.tumblr.com/sponsor 

Whether you’re a 90s kid reminiscing on your gargoyle crush or if you’re just watching it for the first time, I really hope you had as much fun as I did with this movie!