Apropos of some stuff that’s coming to light, and the fact that there may be some younger folks following me here, I’d like to run through three tactics I see abusive people utilize pretty frequently.

1) Pulling you into an In-Group. This tactic tends to function like this:
- “oh you have [common trait] like me! We should be friends!”
- “since we’re both [trait] we should stick together”
- “I’m for sure [trait] so if you disagree you aren’t really [trait]”

This forces a connection to you through a trait, then it turns into something that they can guilt you through, and then police you through. Saying “I would expect [trait] people to side with me” makes your ID conditional on their approval.

2) Indiscriminate Scorched Earth. This is where someone is nice to *you,* but responds to any criticism or dissent with both barrels and a can of lighter fluid. Sometimes they validate it by claiming it’s to “protect” others. However, the message communicated is: don’t cross me.

This keeps people from speaking up because they don’t feel safe to disagree. And y’know, this tactic is honestly great on bigots, but it *can* also be used by abusers to make sure no one speaks out about their behavior.

The third and final tactic is the Shield o’ Character Witnesses. This one is particularly insidious and hard to see until it’s too late. The abuser will instigate and maintain friendships with a handful of women, QPOC, and powerful people. Then...

...when someone comes forward to say “that’s not how this person treated me in private”, there is a whole lineup of people to say “but that’s not the person *I* know, surely they couldn’t have done that! Even if they did, they deserve a second chance!”

For those who find themselves in the Shield of Character Witnesses, understand that part of the strategy is to be nice to the *right* people, including you. Don’t feel bad that you got a different side of that person; that’s the scam.

So that’s a quick primer on abuser tactics 101. And bear in mind what they all have in common: they discourage people from coming forward. Whether it’s by invalidating your identity, intimidation, or discounting your experience, the goal is to keep you silent. Speak out.

These are more crowd-based tactics, but since a couple folks have mentioned it, I want to also point out a fourth one that is targeted at individuals: isolation. This is especially used against people who feel like they already don't belong.

The goal is to separate the individual from their support network or people who might challenge the abuser. The tactic uses the target's own insecurity/frustration to first draw them away, then force the target's dependence on the abuser.

Early stage sounds like: "You're the only one who gets me", "They don't know the REAL you", "they don't understand you like I do," "only I know how special you are", etc. when they're luring the target; it's the glow on the anglerfish.

Once the abuser has gotten their target to distance themselves, they then switch to controlling behavior like making "suggestions" about your choices ("haha you're such a mess, what would you do without me") and limiting communication ("you spend too much time on your phone")

This then shifts into "you want to leave? You have no friends/you're nothing without me" and/or "fine, tell them, no one will believe you". The goal is to erode the confidence of the victim so they believe they are not capable of leaving.

Again, all these tactics focus on making the victim feel isolated and helpless. I also want to note that these happen in *patterns.* Your good friend joking that you're a mess because you tripped over a safety cone? Not a problem. But...

...your partner calling you a mess because they purposefully startled you and you dropped a glass? And saying it's your fault? And you've asked them not to startle you like that and they keep doing it? You are beyond red flags territory, it's time to go.

Anyway it's a huge bummer that this thread is helpful to this many folks, but I hope it'll save y'all some pain.

I am muting this thread now because my mentions are overflowing and a girl has deadlines, but remember that none of you are alone, and the replies here prove it