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So I’m 44yrs old this year, and my friend and I (he’s on Twitter but I won’t tag him) have sometimes discussed how our understanding of gender relations and SA male violence against women has evolved over the years. A thread.
What we know now and what we thought we knew then are chalk and cheese. I went to St. John’s College for one year (Grade 8) and I was introduced to a term called “ixiki”. “Ukuxikiza” was to take advantage of, and not in a good way.
But in the particular case “ixiki” was a girl who “had sex” with a bunch of guys, school boys, really. There were lots of stories about on this, how Girl A slept with X number of guys. I never quite knew how this came about but I got to know of an incident where
One such attempt failed. The guys were going to pretend to be the same guy but each perpetrator would pretend to be going to the bathroom so that tha next guy could slip between the sheets. The young lady could tell it was a different person and she fended the guy off
The story was told to great laughter, and the guy who “failed” was laughed at. But years later I reflected on the incident, and I could tell it was gang rape. I just didn’t know it at the time. It was totally normal then. And the victim was stigmatized. She was the “whore”
The people involved were obviously never prosecuted. And such incidents were common, actually. None of the guys who told the tales felt a tinge of remorse about it. I’ve written about some of this in my book.
Violence, extreme violence against women is “normalized” and has been for a very long time. Even though I think I understand, I always fear that I still don’t understand enough to say anything on the subject. I just know that women, and black women in particular
Have suffered the worst of everything. First from white racism, then male privilege, then abuse by us black men, and then other black women who think the struggle of black women is secondary to the position of the black man
And they have to observe the unspoken male alliance of black men with white men at work, where the black man gets promoted ahead of the black woman, and the latter has to celebrate as if she’s been emancipated too, when this is not true
I sometimes just don’t know how to be an appropriate ally of black women because I could never fully get it. I’m not them. I don’t have to suffer the indignity of “being black twice”, being a victim of white racism and then abuse and violence by black men
So today I can’t really say “Happy Youth Day”. Black women don’t have much to be happy about. Yes, I know about Employment Equity and all that, but deep down I know it doesn’t quite get there. As a male I think it’s easier than it actually is
I don’t get cat-called. I don’t get paid less for the same work like black women do. I can go run in tights and nobody makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t get accused of sleeping my way to a promotion I deserve.
So I’m privileged in many ways. But as a victim of white racism I also unconsciously erase the lived experiences of black women by centering my experience of white racism at their expense.
I try and check myself and often fail. I know I do. Some of my friends tell me. And I become defensive. But the reality is that I haven’t internalized the struggles of black women, let alone gay and trans black people. I have a long way to go. A very long way
And I often don’t even know how to “get there”. Our society is a mess, and we males have a lot to do with it because we’re in charge of a lot of things. But we often play powerless victims.
One thing I can tell you is that however irritating the tweets may be to many of us, reality is that we find it difficult to accept how violent we are as makes. FFS we are violent. To man and women, but especially women
Maybe that’s all we need to do, and then keep quiet and listen. Last week a former colleague (white Afrikaans male) told me he’s convinced we need to step back and let women run things. He gave me a million reasons. I couldn’t argue.
Intealized the specifics were almost irrelevant. The world is a mess and we men run it. That was enough. I had no comebacks.
Maybe one day we men will take time to listen. And listen properly. I know I get defensive even when I try not to be. You know, the male version of “all lives matter”, and I privately do it, subtly. But deep down I know I shouldn’t do it. It’s always a shit argument anyways.
