Got Zelda BOTW today. The only person I’ve talked to is an old man and my god is he a dumbass. He’s created a dish called ‘spicy seafood and meat’ and he remembers that it has spicy peppers and meat but he’s forgotten the last ingredient. Clue’s in the name dumbass it’s fish

Turns out the old man is an ancient king or some shit, i don’t care man I have fish to catch. Off to a village where hopefully I can sell my vast supply of fish and mushrooms. I do love how I can just stop any person and demand to know what they’re doing and they just tell me

Me neglecting all my current quests to catch and cook fish while an apocalypse is happening

These two dumbasses in a stable told me I was too stupid to go find treasure so I found it and brought it back and had to fight a bear along the way and they still don’t believe me. Fake news ass Donald trump mfs

I caught a wild horse and rode back to the stable and the stupid bastard stableman asked me if I had seen a wild horse or knew how to catch one. Motherfucker do you have eyes

And a big green man asked me to fight some angry men and steal some maracas which he then serenaded me with which was obviously less than ideal, before begging me for the seeds that I keep getting for pushing rocks into holes. Take them bro what the fuck am I gonna do with seeds

Wandered into a village and smashed everyone’s pottery and ransacked all the houses. For some reason I am heralded as a god here. I am holding a chicken above my head and have hightailed it out

Gave a big mushroom some money and now I have a big tiddy fairy gf who upgrades my clothes for me. Life is good

Keep meeting red fish men who tell me to go their leader. Fuck off man I was going to but now I’m not going to, twats. Keep getting struck by lightning though and need to travel across the world to get my phone fixed ffs where’s the nearest Carphone Warehouse

I did kill a giant by constantly hitting him in the balls with a big hammer though. Swings and roundabouts. My horse is called Cloudy :)

Haven’t updated this in a few days, but you’ll all be glad to know that I have cross-dressed to sneak into a women-only town in the desert and attend their exclusive club, and also been attacked by a woman for walking on her flowers. Separate incidents.