This has bothered me for a long time, but I've never spoken about it: In my career I've managed around 20 people or so at various times. Two of those people were Black.

I cannot tell you how different my supervisors were toward me about how I managed the Black direct reports.

The level of scrutiny and suspicion I got from my bosses was really striking. If they called out sick, it was "Do you believe them?" If they were away from their desk for five minutes it was "Where's so-and-so?"

My regular one-on-ones with my managers (and these were two different people at different organizations! Both white, though) focused so much on how I needed to supervise those reports more directly.

Coworkers, too, would complain to me about things no one once raised about white coworkers: Every typo, any little slip, was treated not as a human error but as proof this person was not competent for the job.

One of these individuals I supervised had a health condition, which was documented with HR, and which I knew the details about because the employee trusted me and chose to tell me. My boss and coworkers regularly expressed doubt that the condition was real.

I handled the health issue appropriately, through HR channels. It frustrated the hell out of my boss, who wanted me to retroactively account for every unexcused absence, every long lunch. Eventually this individual went on short-term disability, which became long-term disability.

There was never anything, at either job, that I would call actionable--no racial slurs, no illegal instructions. Just a lot of pressure, a lot of questioning and doubt about my judgment.

It was a real eye-opener for me as a white man.

Let me say for the record that I respect these managers and coworkers, they were not bad people and I liked almost all of them in general. I don't believe they realized what they were doing.

But boy, that internalized racism was powerful.

I also know that a lot of Black people are gaslit at work, assured that they are treated no differently than anyone else and any perceived difference is in their heads.

In my experience, it is not.

Ah! Something I forgot: My work is in nonprofit fundraising. At both places we hosted semi-formal events, often in private homes. It was standard practice to invite the whole fundraising staff. But in both cases I was asked "Is it appropriate to invite [Black employee]?"

The meaning I was meant to take was "This person is not a fundraiser, they serve an administrative role, so should they be at the event meeting donors?"

But of course I knew that we regularly invited white administrative staff, and that was NEVER questioned.

Thank you to those who have amplified and responded to this thread, especially to those who appropriately called me out on some of my own bias and/or clumsy language.

It's now grown beyond the point where I can respond to every reply, so if I don't respond to you I'm sorry.

To all of the BIPOC who have responded by sharing their own stories about being mistreated, discriminated against, gaslit, and abused or exploited at work: I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better.

To those who rightly point out that my tweet about my colleagues being "not bad people" reflects my own unconscious racism, you are right. In part my phrasing there was not communicating the point I wanted to make, but also yes, it's my own bias coming through. I'll do better.

To those who point out that I didn't challenge my superiors in their behavior: Again, you're right. That was a failing on my part. I should have addressed it with them, even though it scared me to do so. That would be using my privilege for good.

And lastly, to those BIPOC who say you don't need a white dude teaching you what you already know to be true: Hahaha, yes, you are absolutely right.

My goal with sharing this was to reach other white people seeing (or even causing) similar circumstances.

The vast majority of people retweeting, replying, and engaging with this have (based on profile photos) been BIPOC. Which I greatly appreciate. I'd just hope more white folks are at least reading it and maybe learning something--because we can all do better.

Oh, one last point: This is not about me.

I never describe myself as "woke," or "one of the good ones," or an "ally," or anything like that. Because it's not about my identity.

I try to do the work to be anti-racist. It's up to others to judge whether I'm succeeding.

I'm not seeking accolades or praise. Like any human, it feels good to be recognized and appreciated by people I respect, so of course I appreciate that. But that's not why I share this stuff--I share it in hopes I can help make the world better for people who deserve it.

UPDATE 6/23/2020: This thread has been taking off again a little bit today. I usually try to respond to anyone who takes the time to reply to me, but I can't keep up with all the notifications so if you try to talk to me and don't hear back, I apologize.