I don’t discuss personal things on here anymore HOWEVER its been over 1 year since I got out of a situation w/ a covert narcissist and its got me thinking I should write a thread about narcissistic abuse for the sake of helping other women spot the warning signs from early on.

I feel like its really important and helpful to openly talk about these things from lived experience because there are too many men targeting women in this way and its almost impossible to spot until its too late hence why it’s *covert* narcissism.

I have a ton of books and resources I’ve read on the subject too if anyone would like PDFs! I remember clearly that @/nablayah had an amazing thread on it but she deactivated so I figured it would be useful to re-create a similar resource bc recognising + healing is a MISSION.

okay, lets begin: a covert narcissist (I'll use CN from now on) is a deeply insecure individual who constantly craves external validation and will engage in a harmful, destructive, repetitive pattern of behaviours in order to obtain it

now, we ALL love validation from time to time. its very normal and human to seek the approval and admiration of your fellow human beings. but with CNs, they have that desire on STEROIDS and are much more calculated and manipulative with how they go about getting what they seek.

the root causes vary:deep-rooted insecurities, a lack of validation in childhood whether from family or from peers, or even repeated rejection from women (in that sense, CN behaviours stem from a similar cause to incel behaviours but they manifest themselves in a v different way)

unlike incels, who kind of resign themselves to those feelings of insecurity and become very bitter and angry about them resulting in them forming isolated hateful communities or even turning to violence, narcs actually develop the social skills/charm needed to win people over,

and they are OBSESSED with doing it over and over again. whatever the root causes may be, its on them to recognise these feelings and behaviour patterns and seek help but more often than not they DON'T which makes them a danger to women, particularly younger women.

such individuals operate and reside within the grey area, they are subtle and they are calculated and too often we don't realise until its too late. however, they ALL share a lot of similar traits and engage in similar behaviour so being able to spot signs will DEFINITELY help!

when it comes to friendships, one key thing to spot is that narcs are much more intent on building an adoring and large circle of admirers rather than building actual genuine friendships. its not about the people themselves but liking how those people inflate the narc's ego.

by switching on the charm whenever necessary, or by performing excessive acts of service for others, they get them on-side. they may even sacrifice their own individual needs in the process because they are so intent on making sure no one has a bad word to say about them.

'but maryam...charisma? constantly doing nice things for people? that doesn't sound so bad, its not hurting anyone even if its not for the right reasons' and to that i say: yes, this in itself is only hurting the narcissist themselves bc validation is so addictive they can't stop

however, where CNs become really dangerous is when it comes to their romantic relationships. because although they have their circle of admirers more generally, narcissistic men target and victimise individual women one after another, and the damage that they do is long-lasting.

there are usually a few distinct stages or phases involved in the process of a narcissist fixating upon and targeting a new woman in order to obtain that validation and inflate his own ego and i'm gonna attempt to go through them here:

the first stage is all about winning you over, trapping you in, getting you to be vulnerable, and getting you attached through a few calculated strategies: idealisation, love-bombing, feigned vulnerability. its all about making you feel different, important, special.

the way they go about choosing their victims is gross too: might be someone vulnerable and easily taken advantage of (hence why young women are more susceptible to this), or it might be about 'conquest' over a woman that they envy or perceive to be out of their league.

IDEALISATION: you're put on a pedestal. he knows exactly what you want to hear and he'll tell you straight-up. every word you say is intelligent, important. you're the most beautiful woman to walk this earth, you're perfect, you can do no wrong. you're amazing, you're *inspiring*

this is also where weaponised internalised misogyny comes into play. as in this is the point where they’ll likely shit-talk previous victims to you: ‘she was psycho/crazy/clingy/a bitch’ i.e. she’s *not like you* - you’re different, you’re better. and its so easy to fall for.

other warning signs to look out for include love-bombing which many of you must have heard of. its very intense, very excessive affection, possessiveness, wanting to spend every minute with you and even keeping you away from friends and family.

as well as feigned vulnerability/openness which creates an illusion of intimacy to allow victims to feel *trusted* - in reality what you’re being told are likely pre-rehearsed stories and you in fact know very little about the CN’s reality.

this first phase is where its hardest/nearly impossible to notice the red flags and even if you start to second-guess yourself, its impossible to call it out because it feels so great while its happening. but the second phase is where things actually become damaging

the second phase is known as ‘devaluation’: once a victim becomes reliant on the narcissist, to the point where the narcissist is able to manipulate them into giving them literally anything at any point, the mask starts to slip. and this is where things get not-so-nice

increased anger and aggression, controlling behaviours, the sudden withdrawal of affection in order to make the victim feel they’re somehow at fault. gaslighting is also very common during this time: “i never said that”, “you’re overreacting”, “you’re acting crazy” etc.

a lot of books on this subject also discuss triangulation i.e. the slow and subtle introduction of a third party to further humiliate the victim.

they do all this largely because they know at that point you’re so attached that they’ll likely get away with it. and the second they fear you might walk away, they’ll start being affectionate again to keep you right where you are. this is where you really need to RUNNNNNNN.

the hardest pill to swallow when processing all of this is that what looks like love for YOU, really isn't. rather its an addiction to having power, control, and influence over someone they previously saw as unattainable, like they've won some kind of sick game.

a lot of narcissistic men really, really hate or resent women too, and that's what drives a lot of these behaviours. this is a stage where many become aware they SHOULD walk out, but don't because its unbelievably hard to do so.

the only reason i say all of this is that it took me almost a year to realise what was happening and i didn't walk away when i should have, so i want all women to be aware of the signs, and to TALK TO OTHER WOMEN who you trust - build solidarity to stay protected.

if you've been through it with a narcissistic abuser and you would like to talk to me, please DM me and i can provide you with whatever support or direct you towards resources that can help! you're not alone, and you can always walk away, and becoming aware is half the battle.

the final stage is basically the 'discard' stage. like i said, the pursuit of constant validation and inflation of the ego is an addiction and they are ADDICTED to the idea of conquest, so they inevitably get bored, move on, and repeat the same cycle with another woman.

but even when it ends, an abuser will attempt to retain some control by reaching out to you, essentially to prevent you from healing or from moving on.

and if at any point the victim becomes cognizant of what's actually happening (which is rare,but does happen) and attempts to say something, the perpetrator will inevitably resort to gross methods like threats or smear campaigns (remember the aforementioned circle of admirers?)

but don’t let them scare you. speak to people: family, friends, support groups, community organisations, get therapy if you’re able to. help is available and it’ll be hard but it is possible to come back from this. stay safe, stay aware, and look out for other women too. /fin