brain is vibrating at increasing speeds at this college au but im making hera and eiffel best friends from high school

also thinking about a conversation between lovelace and minkowski where L is like "so do you have a girlfriend" and M's like "uuhh... no i have a boyfriend we've been dating since middle school" and L immediately takes that as "oh okay she's straight" and never brings it up again

meanwhile minkowski is like oh my god oh my god i like this girl So Much but im dating someone meanwhile she and dominik have spoken like twice since minkowski left

the "i thought that was a really weird typo" happens when hera is like "you're dating that guy?!" and minkowskis like yeah it says "bf: @ koudelka_globe in my bio hera" and shes like "I THOUGHT THAT MEANT BEST FRIEND"

"i'm not joining stage crew i don't wanna hang around a bunch of fucking theatre kids warren"
"c'mon jacobi it'll be good experience"
"FOR WHAT??"
"get out of your comfort zone-"
"MY COMFORT ZONE IS FINE THANKS"

jacobi begrudgingly follows kepler to the theatre group (he is stage manager) and he does lighting while maxwell mans sound,

club hephaestus gc
hera214: im getting surgery in june
ModernMajorMinkowski: oh no im sorry! are you okay?
hera214: no its good surgery
ModernMajorMinkowski: oh !
hera214: its my pussy surgery
ModernMajorMinkowski: YOUR WHAT?

posts this while no one can see

i would like to state for the record that if she was allowed i think hera would have the filthiest mouth of everyone on the hephaestus. she says fuck like it's punctuation. she calls all her friends assholes and motherfuckers as terms of endearment.

one time she goes a week without calling eiffel by name bc she keeps switching back and forth between calling him "my favorite bussy boy" and, less ceremoniously, just "cunt"

hera came with eiffel to support minkowski at her one acts audition but got bored and wandered off. she manages to make it into the booth and strike up conversation with maxwell before jacobi can yell at her but the maxwells like "kepler isnt here and hera is the first fellow/

/compsci major ive met who isnt a massive asshole" so hes like ugh fine and thats how the girls become friends

disclaimer i dont know anything about how college works i go to an extremely small art school and know next to nothing about how big boy universities function other than like movies and other college au fics so please be gentle

is hera a twitch streamer. oh my god she is.

jacobi (trans): is she.. you know
maxwell (also trans): ?????
jacobi: you know................ a fan of snapcube

fans of snapcube
thefinaljacobi: u know i dont actually watch snapcube right
hera214: shut up mother mother liker
thefinaljacobi: fuck offff
hera214: lemon emoji in the instagram bio no opinion
am_065_073: dipper pines kin in carrd no opinion
thefinaljacobi: DIE??????

jacobi has a jealousy moment and finally breaks down enough to confront maxwell about it and hes like "is she your new best friend" and she just stares at him for the longest time like
"are you- are you being serious right now?"
"yes!"
"daniel i like her."
"i know."
"no. like.../

"...romantically. like i Like her."
"you. what?"
"i have gay feelings for her. i'm not replacing you with her"
"oh"
"i want to kiss her"
"oh"
"i dont want to kiss you like at all"
"oh"
"..."
"......not even a little b-" (she shoves him into the wall)

i just think that theyre gay

this one is for @fcbrikator

maxwell: so! 1 week on t huh... congrats! notice anything yet?
jacobi: yeah actually!
maxwell: cool! like what? :3
jacobi: oh well my-
jacobi: (realization)
jacobi: i uh. uhh
maxwell: :3???
jacobi: UHhh. uhh. uh im uh.. hungry a lot i guess idk

this joke always gets to me somehow

h: hands minkowski a cup
m: hera what is this.
h: its a milkshake
m: i dont want a milkshake
h: you're crying. of course you want a milkshake
m: (shakily) yeah... i do.............

hera214: hey daniel can i ask u something
thefinaljacobi: uh oh youre using my name instead of calling me a homophobic slur
hera214: omg im serious
thefinaljacobi: jesus okay whats up
hera214: you and maxwell are close right?
thefinaljacobi: yes... we're best friends... (1/2)

hera214: yknow how maxwell really likes AI?
thefinaljacobi: yes...
hera214: like Reeeally likes AI
thefinaljacobi: what are you asking me
hera214: is she like
hera214: **into** AI
thefinaljacobi: i
hera214: and if she is (which is like fine im not kinkshaming) umm

(2/3 whoops)

(3/3)
hera214: is it like... an exclusive thing
thefinaljacobi: hera.
thefinaljacobi: are u fucking asking me if maxwell won't date u because ur not a computer
hera214: dont say it like that
thefinaljacobi: IS THAT WHAT UR ASKING ME?!
hera214: YES IDK
thefinaljacobi: I HATE YOU?

having feelings abt absolute madman 20 year old stage manager warren kepler anyway he does this shit to maxwell constantly bc hes a BITCH

kepler: youre doing it wrong
jacobi: im not doing it wrong
kepler: no its like this (leans over jacobi's shoulder to fix whatever the thing is)
jacobi: um. um
kepler: what
jacobi: are you. the. um. warren
kepler: what???
jacobi: (choked) fuckign. p,personal space

he does the same exact thing to maxwell and she doesnt even flinch she just kinda lets him and jacobi is FUMING shes like whats ur issue and hes like HE'S JUST. HFKDDJ?? and shes like okay you need to seriously seek help this touch deprivation thing is getting out of hand-

maxwell is digging in jacobis closet looking for smth and shes like ohoho. ohohohohohihoho. and hes like what... and shes like hohohohehehehehehhehehahehdhfhh jacobi. jacobii. and hes like /what/ and she pulls out kalvin garrah merch he bought when he was 13

l: hey got ur text i brought chipswoOAH why is jacobi crying oh my god
m: so we both met kepler living in the same dorm building
l: right
m: and we only see him during rehearsals
l: okay
m: and when u work backstage ur supposed to wear all black
l: what does th-
m: listen.
l: ok

m: so he just wears a black t shirt and black sneakers every day
m: well he invited us to a party
m: and when we got there
m: and we saw him
j: HE WAS WEARING THE WORST FRAT BOY OUTFIT IVE EVER SEEN
l: oh boy
j: MAXWELL ASKED HIM AND HE SAID HE HAS 12 SNAPBACKS
m: im so sorry

j: IM ATTRACTED TO A MAN WHO WEARS EXCLUSIVELY VINEYARD VINES AND BACKWARDS SNAPBACKS
l: (defensive) whats wrong with vineyard vines
m: youre not helping

which one of the gang is the furry and which is the one who gets overly defensive of them when everyone else bullies them for it

@fcbrikator thoughts?

eiffel makes a joke about yiffing and minkowski types an entire paragraph about how furries are just people with a hobby and its so cruel to make fun of them for having harmless fun and its such a dumb cringe culture bandwagon at the same time that lovelace just sends "lmfao"

this isnt an intelligent addition im just thinking about incredibly drunk jacobi crying in incredibly drunk maxwell's lap while she shooshes him and pets his hair while feeding him doritos one chip at a time

all those posts that r like "i met a drunk girl in a bathroom and she was so nice to me she did xyz" those are all hera

the length of this thread is embarrassing me ANYWAY i'll sit down and actually draw smth for this au eventually

they have a minecraft server jacobi has been kicked out 3 times for griefing but maxwell always s at minkowski to let him back in

hera and minkowski have a very cute house together and a little farm and they have birds and cats and dogs and its all very good and wonderful and they have a peaceful trading relationship with kepler and lovelace who also have a house together and its very nice-

-while maxwell jacobi and eiffel live in absolute anarchy and chaos they just kinda vibe and constantly kill each other but its like Friendly Killing Each Other and its the best they are chaotic

at some point kepler takes in a stray cat there is no way this doesnt happen. one day jacobi gets home and there is just a cat on his bed. they stare at each other before he is yelling "WARREN KEPLER WHAT IS THIS" and kepler pokes his head out like "its obviously a cat, jacobi"

kepler has 25 minecraft dogs and jacobi is like haha i'm gonna put tnt in ur house haha ha ha and kepler is like "ok" and punches him once and all his dogs go to town

jacobi, early into the friendship: kepler is so weird i wonder what kinda music he likes
kepler: (has been listening to hollaback girl for three consecutive hours)

cutter is an INSANELY annoying RA and everyone thinks hes gay until one day hera has the misfortune of catching him and some girl shoving their tongues down each others throat and she's nauseous for the rest of the day

hera works at an ice cream shop theres no reason for this im just thinking about ice cream and also hera

hello . hera used to go by rhea online before she settled on hera and lovelace recognizes her because she used to follow her in high school when she had a youtube channel called RheaGameplays

back on the topic of furry lovelace there ABSOLUTELY has to be that conversation where jacobi is looking at lovelaces stuff and hes like lol can i try this on. i think itd be funny. *puts on head* like this is a bit. like its funny. *puts on paws* see its funny because im not a f

thinking about when we had bingo night, whenever 69 got called the entire room just droned "NICE"... j would be like "im not going to fucking bingo night wtf" and m is like "theres prizes" and hes like "i dont care about boxed mac and cheese" and shes like ":("

eiffel: https://vm.tiktok.com/JR2gGTd/ 

i just spent forever looking thru me and theos dms so i could find these messages they sent me but ANYWAY i just wanted to immortalize this in the thread bc i randomly remembered it and started laughing in thr middle of the store. king of cows

quietly puts this in here https://twitter.com/flvegayz/status/1279878099585454086?s=21 https://twitter.com/FlVEGAYZ/status/1279878099585454086

thinks about no sleep hera and no sleep maxwell enabling the hell out of each other and jacobi has to intervene but they chase him away so he settles for making them sleepytime tea and begging them to at least go to bed before sunrise this time

pryce and hera are distant friends but pryce is bitter because pryce was a mildly successful youtuber and one time brought hera onto her channel as a guest and she was a hit and immediately started gaining a following and surpassed pryce in subs rly fast and shes still mad abt it

https://twitter.com/incorrectw359/status/1283850662480998400?s=20

the cat rp accs have me thinkin abt kepler's stray again.. jacobi's like "hey maxwell come do this thing with me" she just texts back "cant, busy" which is . very short even for her and he goes to check up on her, turns out shes just on the floor playing w vic

oh ya the college au cat is also called invictus everyone say thank u jo

j: jfc alana im not jealous of a CAT wtf thats ridiculous
m: yeah of course.
k:
j:
m: so the reason ur in our laps right now-
j: SHUT UP

its because maxwell and kepler both Love this cat. so so so much. jacobi makes a joke about them coparenting him but then kepler starts referring to maxwell as "your mother" when addressing rhe cat and maxwell says "your father" and jacobi fears the monster he's created

jacobi also adores this cat dont get it twisted. they do shenanigans together (aka jacobi pointing at maxwell and saying "attack her", to which vic responds by rolling onto his back and purring in jacobi's arms)

jacobi: does vic look.. bigger? to you?
maxwell: wym
jacobi: like. he was not that big before
kepler: i mean we're probably feeding him better than whatever he got on the streets
jacobi: yeah but..... he's...... getting Really big.......
[a month later]
vic:

scream.. look at these freaking cats

mutters something about maxwell digging up embarrassing middle school pics of them all

thinking

more

oh ya also cuz im establishing weeb eiffel rn i think hes a makoharu truther ok thanks bye.i still think makoharu>rinharu (shocking inknow) but i like them both and okay let me shut the fuck up

hera made him kandi bracelets a lot in middle school and he still has most of them but hera doesnt know until one day she sees him wearing one of his old favorite ones and shes like "eiffelstfu im gonna Cry?" its very cute of them

yes im retconning it so that yhey met from middle school not high school

sorry for this one but maxwell found 'in tokyo' by studio killers in high school and it awakened something in her

(for context if u havent heard it)

actually fuck it puts these here too idk why i confined them to priv

oh context for Maxwell In The Jacobi Household is shes staying w him for winter break

i think . ok so i always think of kepler as extremely tactile, au aside, but college au i think kepler and jacobi have this awkward back and forth bc jacobi is touch starved and shies away from kepler at first which is like. wait is the food tweet in this thread? idr if it is

actually i dont think it is okay so when kepler finds that he cant express his affection or happiness to jacobi with casual touch (at least in the beginning) he turns to food (so bringing them lunch and drinks and stuff) but jacobi doesn't Get That so when kepler stops reaching/

for him hes like "oh rejection?" even tho the reason kepler stops is because jacobi gets visibly uncomfortable.. its all very awkward and walking-on-eggshells but they work it out

so ANYWAY the point of explaining that was to say that maxwell responds perfectly well to kepler hugging her or leaning on her or whatever and . and okay the point was just, kepler titty pillow for maxwell nap. thats all i wanted to fucking say.

also non college au i think kepler is always manhandling them a little bit. like in an affectionate way or a "good job" way or "hey pay attention to me" way and i justbsjsdhdjfjjfz. like he'll pat both their backs with a Little Too Much Force after a job and theyre both like -w-;

COUGHS anyway. enough of that

m: hey i know its 1 am but can i come over
k: sure
k: whats wrong?
m: jacobis headphones broke and he wont stop watching charcuterie tiktoks at full volume

m: wheres the baby
j (not paying attention): he's with the cat
m: ........what?! ew?! i meant the cat?!?!?!?!
j: WAIT I DIDNT MEAN TO SAY THA

this is maxwell and vic

maxwell (out of breath from chasing vic around): help
kepler: help with what
maxwell: look what i got the baby
kepler:
maxwell:
kepler: ill get him

WHATIF WONDERTWINS GET REALLY INTO HALLOWEEN

m: did u ever finish ur homework
j: no
m: aw why
j: i cant do my hw until i finish my laundry but i cant do my laundry in silence so i need to put on a movie but i cant decide on a movie so ive been sitting here for 3 hours
m:
j:
m:(gently) remember when we talked abt adhd diagno

someone workshop halloween costumes with me but also please wlw against warren kepler somehow convincing him to do one of those "sexy ______" costumes straight from party city

k: why
l: because its funny
mk: and youd unfortunately look good
h and mw: and we want to antagonize jacobi

kepler outing himself as a redditor when he, trying to be supportive (bless his heart) sends jacobi a *happy gay noises* meme and j's like OUDJFHDJFH WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM

and i out myself as a casual viewer of r/traaa by making this tweet idc i can do what ever i want

i think college au psuedo-himbo kepler is good because really if you take the Evil Goddard out of the Warren Kepler you kinda just get a dramatic and impossibly charming weird guy and he's not , like , a HIMBO, but he's just. he's just Him. and hes sexy bc kepler is always sexy

maxwell visits hera at work and heras like omg hi! and makes her a huge sundae and maxwells like "oh, no you really dont-" and heras like "no cmooon it's on the house! :3" and maxwells like haha okay and takes it and hera is obviously waiting for her to eat it all so she does

cut to later when maxwells dying in heras bathroom and shes like "WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE LACTOSE INTOLERANT?!" and maxwells like "YOU JUST LOOKED SO HAPPY" and heras like "OHHH MY GODDDD ALANAAAAAAA"

jacobi, on his phone: you deserve this
maxwell: i hope you develop lactose intolerance later in life and are never able to enjoy your stupid bullshit fancy cheeses in peace again
jacobi: sounds like someone needs another round of pepto bismol <3
maxwell: choke and die

anyone: how tall r u
j, immediately: 6 feet
k: ur 5'11
j: no. im not. i am 6 feet tall. u are 5'9.
k: ur not 6 feet-
j: i AM. i just SLOUCH.
k: maybe u should stop slouching
j, under his breath: when i fucking get u for this-

i think at some point jacobi was standing somewhere looking like a question mark and kepler kinda puts a hand on his back like "stand up straight jacobi! ha ha ha" and the look on jacobis face turns fucking MURDEROUS and keplers like. ah.... whoops

m, later: jacobi...
j: AND HE FUKCING.; HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY BACK WHO DOES THAT
m: he does that all the time but thats not the p
j: OH I WANT TO KILL HIM. I WANT TO JUST GRAB HIM AND...
m: oh do go on
j: FUCK YOU .
m: you get that he doesn't like... Know, right?
j: I KNOW I KNOW

me handhold jacobi bad feelings cocktail when a cis man puts a hand on ur lower back because [REDACTED] + [REDACTED BUT IN TRANSGENDER] sorry for projecting onto u king but its true

okay also iust in general why do cis men. seriously. why do they do this ESPECIALLY WHEN THEYRE TRYING TO GET BY YOU LIKE AHAHA NO

aaaanyway. i have nothing to say about halloween yet but we have time to come up with stuff. i miss trick or treating... why does trick or treating not get to follow u into adulthood.... its free candy...... hmmm haunted house time tho

im accidentally making myself sad with this whcih is the OPPOSITE of this threads intentions but i just think that halloween......jacobi and maxwell getting SO excited about a haunted house and keplers like "well i was gonna go to a party-" and theyre like NO. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

its very fun and theyre both just like :DDDDDD so keplers like lol alright alright. he also enjoys himself but j and m are like. having the time of their LIFE it's like the happiest he's ever seen them and he finds himself oddly endeared by that for some reason

is endeared a word. i dont think thats how thats supposed to be said but like whatever

my brain says "god please ANYTHING else" but my heart says maxwell jacobi witch + black cat couple's costume JFJFJHJh

im so sorry for the constant catcobi crimes on main. unfortunately, i am gay.

sits on the floor.. minkowksi buffie......

i wanna put eiffel in a really stupid costume that should be impossible to look hot in And Yet

eiffel goes through his tinder and minkowski leans against his shoulder to peek over and give her opinions on whether or not he should swipe right and they agree like 90% of the time

si5 does this. kepler wants to play thr guitar but they won't let him they make him be the guy in the middle "but-" "nooo shut up or we'll replace u with lovelace" ">:-("

i think it would be fun for minkowski to be an art major. theres no reason i just Think.. maybe textiles?

i think they SHOULD go trick or treating cuz fuck you. club hephaestus goes trick or treating (kepler doesnt join them but he DOES help minkowski plan out the ideal route for maximum candy get (tm) bc he thinks its fun.)

e: cant we just go wherever-
m: NO this is important ! if we go THIS way we'll hit more houses
k: you're also close to the rich ppl neighborhoods so if you swing by there you'll get the king sized chocolate bars
m: true but the houses are more spaced out-
e: I JUST WANT CANDY

during their candy trade hera's making trades eiffel has never seen before and he's like hey since when do you like milky ways enough to trade off nerds for them? and she's like "..." and he's like "???" and then she mutters "they're maxwell's favorite" GAY PEOPLE

hera showing up to maxwell and jacobis room with a pillowcase full of candy: hiiii
jacobi: :D
maxwell: not for you
jacobi: D:<

jacobi: sour candy fiend Will eat warheads until his mouth bleeds
maxwell: partial 2 chocolate+caramel but also enjoys pretty much Any non-sour candy she especially likes those weird crunchy fruit things
kepler: his fave is twizzlers i hate him

lovelace: enjoys peanut butter stuff because she's smart and has taste .
minkowski: this is very specific but i feel like she really likes almond joys???
eiffel: candy corn candy corn candy corn candy co
hera: not very into chocolate, Very into crunchy candy (nerds, smarties etc)

what if minkowski is allergic to peanuts and gets all ":/" when lovelace eats like 7 reeses cups in a row bc it means they cant kiss wow this is so heartbreaking , angst in the college au

ok wait minkowski textiles but maybe also minkowski fashion... again theres no reason or justification for their majors at this point im just having fun :-] maybe minkowski starts off textiles and then switches to fashion.. i Think those two r one major here idk what its like @ /

other schools but either way. she.

idk jack about textiles but i do live with a textile major and its very cool and epic to see Things Being Made

mk: i love that you're so tall because i can use you for homework and make you try on things i make thank you for being tall
h: happy to help !

ETDJFDDIJCKDJD EIFFEL TRYING TO CHEER UP MINKOWSKI:

maxwells sbucks order is absolutely horrendous. theres so much sugar and so many flavor pumps. its more caramel than any human should reasonably get in their drink. one time kepler gets curious and asks for a sip and he immediately chokes because its just so bad

jacobi voice i just want a medium black coffee with one sugar. maxwell voice you can unclench no ones going to homophobic hatecrime you in this coffee shop i know you want a PSL i know you do.

hera streams with a face cam on always and eiffel will regularly show up in the background and do tiktok dances. hera voice whats going on chat why are you all screami- EIFFEL GET OUT OF HERE

kepler https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJyP69CC/ 

COUGHS. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJyw5JRD/  the fucking caption

pov ur maxwell. u hear the distant sound of running and ur door bursts open. jacobi shoves his phone in ur face breathlessly. "do this for me you have to we have to fuck with kepler im gonna play take on me." u sigh. "that's not even close to what i- alright fuck it yeah lets go"

this ISNT canon because i want the "kepler's horrible fucking tattoos" thing to be canon but i just feel like this tweet deserves to be in here https://twitter.com/commaperson/status/1269013781532815362

the past two tweets on this thread have not even been college au even tho this is the college au thread i jisy need certain things to be immortalized .