Hey all! I'm back for this thread to tell y'all my experience with the mobile COVID-19 self-test. If you're like me, you want to know exactly what you're doing BEFORE you put a stick up your nose. I understand. Also:

It is not as bad as you think. Mine took 5 minutes.

I did the test outside of a Walmart in Orlando, Florida, which I found through the Orange County website here:
https://www.orangecountyfl.net/EmergencySafety/Coronavirus.aspx#.XtT3YLcpAzQ

I chose a site for symptomatic users because, unfortunately, I feel like donkey shit. Let's all cross our fingers for hay fever, y'all.

I registered in advance through Quest Diagnostics after checking my eligibility through this website:
https://www.orlando.gov/COVID-19/Services-Related/COVID-19-Drive-Thru-Testing-Site
Again, this is for Orange County, Florida.

Now for the actual appointment. It was in the back of the Walmart parking lot, operating out of three white tents and a shipping container. I drove to each tent with my windows UP, parked, and showed the first two tents my state license, phone #, and appointment confirmation

The second tent gave me a baggie with my testing materials and I verified my information on the bag before driving to the next tent. There, I called the pharmacist with my cell and began the testing process below. This may not be the same for everyone, but this was my experience:

Open the baggie, remove the swab, remove the test tube and place the test tube in my cupholder. Using my left hand, remove the swab from it's container. Tilt my head back ( tip: look just above the driver's side mirror) and insert the swab untill the safety collar meets nostril

You're going to want to insert this as smooth an quick as you can while holding the swab at the tip like an eye drop. It doesn't hurt bad: it feels more itchy with a little burn. If your hand shakes, it will be worse so take slow deep breaths through your mouth throughout this

process. The quicker you can do this, the less traumatic it will be. You'll be asked to rotate the swab twice in your nostril and then hold it in place for fifteen seconds. For me, my pharm started counting from the moment I put it in place, so it was only 8 more seconds.

Then, you just remove it, repeat on your right nostril, place and secure the swab in the test tube, and put the whole sealed baggie in their specimen cooler. The whole process for me lasted five minutes, despite the fact that my left nostril is almost entirely shut.

Bring a mask, your wallet, your cell phone, hand sanitizer, and extra tissues.

Look above the mirror while inserting the swap straight back (not up) into your nostril.

Take deep breaths through your mouth before, during, and after you insert the swab. Hold it lightly.

And that's it. No blood, no brain poking. The tech said I might cough or choke while inserting, but breathing slow and deep through my mouth really helped. Let me know if you have any questions, and feel free to share this thread with anyone anxious about testing.