There's this thing that I always do whenever I'm having suicidal. I download these motivational phone wallpapers and replace them everyday so that I could feel like someone cares for me. I also try to hurt myself but not to the point that I need to go to the hospital.

I don't really reccomend the hurting yourself part cause my hands have been getting wounds from the constant punching and the bones on my knuckles hurt whenever I do something like grab a glass of water or carry something mildly heavy. I guess it's much better than drowning.

I don't know why I do this, I'm aware that this behavior is not healthy but I've been doing things like these for a few years now and it's honestly a better way for me to relieve my sadness or frustrations.

It feels like every year has just been a repeat of last year but my actions have gotten worse and worse, my fear of death has slowly been declining.(I don't even know if my grammar is correct anymore but fuck it this is a threat of my thoughts.)

Quarantine has slowly made me realize how pointless life really is(I knoe that sounds corny as fuck). But there only a few things left that's keeping me from kicking the bucket.

But those strings that are keeping me alive have been slowly becoming irrelevant to me(is that even the right term). But the thought of suicide has been running around my mind for a few years now and I'm still unsure when to do it.

Twitter is actually very helpful in making me write my thoughts. Thank you twitter for listening and maybe when the day I kick the bucket. People could use this thread as a reference or something for them to find out why I did it.

Maybe the next time I have another suicidal urges or something whatever it's called I'll just add it to this thread.