Here goes nothing: @RickRosendall, please stop messaging me. Your sexually inappropriate comments to me were one thing; you repeatedly messaging me makes it worse. You attempted to fetishize my pain of Black killings and I can’t imagine I’m alone.

I don’t want harm to occur to you. I just want you to leave me alone. I do NOT accept your selfish “apology.” I do NOT accept that you were drunk. I do NOT accept any of your credentials being used as a justification to you revealing a sexual fantasy about me.

You have repeatedly messaged me. I have even reached out to your colleagues to intervene and at this point, I’m exhausted. Balancing Black deaths AND now you messaging me. Do you not see how harassing your comments are?!

I have tried to work this out in a way that allows me to honor my own integrity but these past two days have been more than harmful. To “apologize” and to then use your “progressivism” as an excuse is sick. This is what usually happens to Black queer men.

Why even mention your work? Why even mention your global work? Why even mention your sex work decrim testimony? WHAT IS THE REASON FOR ANY OF IT, @RickRosendall?!

You must be held accountable, @RickRosendall. I call you out to honor myself. I call you out in the spirit of transparency and accountability. Your message was predatory and abusive and your continued messages exacerbate that harm. YOU have caused harm.

And to be clear, I may have just received that disgusting message, but this is typical behavior. Messages from October 2019 receiving only one reply from me. A simply “thank you” for sharing content. It hasn’t stopped. I really tried to stop before it got here. I really did.

There’s something deeper at play here and it feels extremely racialized and predatory. And I just want it to stop.

The violence — because that’s what this is — Black gay men experience by white gay men never cease to amaze me.

I’m more incensed because I’ve publicly tried to process so many of my emotions lately. And people know my experiences with sexual assault and trauma. This is all just unbelievably triggering for me. None of this was factored because he didn’t care.

A call for intimacy (closeness, a friendship) as I processed Black killings led to a “leader” and journalist sending messages about giving head and “taking one for the team.”

This is also why I have a hard time believing in allyship.