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This is a thread about something I've wanted to get off my chest for months now. It's about something that's always bothered me and struggled with internally for a while now, but I've never really told anyone about it before, so I hope some of you listen to what I have to say.
We've all got our worst fears, right? Sometimes it's spiders, sometimes it's snakes, sometimes it's death itself. And now I wanna talk about my worst fear, because it's a thought that's plagued me for a very long time now, and I've only thought about it more and more recently.
So my greatest fear... involves death, but it isn't JUST death itself. I've accepted that we all die someday, and there's nothing we can do to change that. No, my worst fear is a little different. My greatest fear is...
Dying without finding love.
Dying without finding love.
Yeah, kinda weird, I know. But it's something that's bothered me for a long, LONG time now, and like I said, I only really began thinking about it a lot in recent times. So I'm gonna explain why I have this fear, and hopefully, some of you will see why.
As a kid, I always wanted to fall in love and get married when I grew up. Always saw it in Disney movies, on TV, all that stuff you watch when you're little. The thought of finding that special someone to spend the rest of your life with always seemed so nice and perfect to me.
I had a crush in Kindergarten, then a different one in 1st grade, and yet another different one in 2nd grade. Of course, those girls probably never noticed, but I was pretty young, so it never really bothered me. And then, 3rd grade rolled around...
I met this one girl in my 3rd grade class. She was pretty, she was smart, she was super nice to everyone. She was different from the previous 3 girls I liked. No, she made me feel different. And I think that was when I first "truly" fell in love.
We were close, but as classmates, not actual friends. However, one day, during lunch, she was talking with her friends, and one of the boys at the table overheard what she said, and told me that apparently, she had a crush on me.
Naturally, I took it very well.
Naturally, I took it very well.
She was definitely a bit embarrassed by the boy telling me this, and it was never brought up again. Of course, I never said anything to HER about it either, and we just kept hanging out with each other in class, doing the normal stuff third-graders do.
However, later that day, some boys on the bus found out about what the other boy said at lunch, about the girl having a crush on me. However, they took it as ME having a crush in HER instead. Which I absolutely did, but like I said, never actually admitted it to anyone.
And since that girl rode my bus, they would always say "he likes you! He's in love with you!" to her nonstop, sort of as a way to tease me and embarrass me. She often ignored them, and still treated me nicely. However one day...
Those boys on the bus told my younger siblings.
Those boys on the bus told my younger siblings.
It's one thing to have random kids on the bus tease you about being in love, but to have your own SIBLINGS do it was a whole other story. Yeah, they were both younger than me, but their teasing drove me insane, and even hurt me.
They made fun of me for being in love.
They made fun of me for being in love.
Of course, I was in third grade at the time, and they were even YOUNGER than that, but I was just a kid. I took great offense to all of it.
I never told anyone, ANYONE that I had a crush on that girl, not even my own PARENTS, because I was too afraid of being made fun of.
I never told anyone, ANYONE that I had a crush on that girl, not even my own PARENTS, because I was too afraid of being made fun of.
Naturally, I got older and progressed through school. Yet somehow, I STILL found myself in love with that same girl, even if we didn't have many classes together after third grade. I was TOO in love with her, almost afraid of letting her go, you could say.
But finally, we get to the part that I have actually mentioned to y'all on Twitter a couple times before. It was in 10th grade, seven years since I had met that girl. And I gave up. I stopped having a crush on her, because I knew it was hopeless. We wouldn't ever be together.
It hurt. A lot. Deciding to quit loving someone you had a crush on for seven years. But I knew it was what had to be done. I knew my unrealistic crush on her was starting to fade with time, and she almost certainly forgot I even existed, just another student in one big school.
Once that dumb seven-year crush ended, I started to wonder to myself, "would I ever meet somone who actually loved me back?" Because she almost certainly didn't return my affections, at least not after 3rd grade. She probably didn't even know I had feelings for her to begin with.
And that's when my worst fear began. I was always so afraid that I would never ever find someone who would love me back, that I'd die before it happened. I'd die without ever getting married, without ever experiencing "true" love, the thing I wanted since I was a little kid.
I'm a huge introvert, and have very, VERY poor social skills. I'm awful at interacting with people, and am probably already seen as a weird, quiet, loner by the rest of the school. If I'm really that antisocial, what chance would I have at meeting a girl that I could end up with?
I've got a mild case of Asperger's, so I'm always afraid that will cause even MORE issues at finding someone to love. And even if I DID, I'm afraid my Asperger's will just make me screw up and lose my potential girlfriend/wife, should I happen to find one.
I'm always fearing that I'm too much of a introvert to meet a girl. That my interests and behavior are too weird for anyone to like. That deep down inside, I perhaps care too much about myself and not others, and that could affect a relationship I could get in and lose someone.
I know they always say that you should "focus on the now and not the future," but I just can't help it. I'm just so scared of not finding love before I die, or screwing up a romantic relationship I get in before I die, that it just makes me feel so, SO uneasy.
Like I said, this is the very first time I've opened up to anyone about this fear of mine. I'm just afraid of telling others about it, mostly because I remember all the teasing I got from my siblings when I was younger.
Heck, seeing how immature they act sometimes, I'm positive they'd STILL tease me even today if they were to find out I had a crush or if they found out I wanted to find love so badly. It just makes me upset people would make fun of people for being in love!
