I wish I could untangle the 13 years of research and work and therapy I've put into understanding abuse, violence, and control in relationships, and put it into words relating to what is happening right now. I can try.

We, overwhelmingly, as a society, are in an abusive relationship with many systems we have been told are there to protect us.

Our abusers (govt & police) are testing limits and boundaries, engaging in crazymaking, gaslighting, and mental, emotional, and physical abuse.

Abusers are never bad 100% of the time, or it would be obvious. No one would defend them. No one would think "oh, but they were nice to me, I can't believe that."

It has been documented that people with psychopathy or sociopathy are drawn to systems in which they thrive and can have positions of power. Like police or military. This is old news.

It is not random happenstance that a disturbing percentage of police have records of domestic abuse. And those are just abusers we know about. That were reported. And charged. A lot aren't.

Your abuser may care about you insofar as what you can do for their image, their ego. They don't care about your health, or your safety, or your well being. Not at the expense of what they see as their right to abuse you. Not if you're making them look bad.

And if they never even saw you as human to begin with? Well, people are starting to notice what that results in. People keep saying "modern day lynchings" as if the lynchings ever stopped. They didn't, they just changed murder tactics.

And those standing by and watching the murders happen? Those defending murderers, jumping to find excuses for why someone would do that, digging for any past history to explain the violence right in front of them? You're complicit.

You're scared, maybe of the weight of history in general, maybe of getting kicked out of your community if you speak up against things, maybe of being found out of being racist yourself, I don't really care, that's for you to unpack. You're the problem, too.

And if you're the kind of problem that feels like you're being attacked when you're just trying to help, help by putting in the effort of separating your ego from this. Actually listen when people take the time to try to explain how you're hurting.

Remember that no one owes you anything. No one owes you articles or sources or emotional labor, no one owes you space for your feelings that they don't have for themselves. Find your support systems. Take a moment before you respond. Consider if you need to respond.

Try thinking "what does this look like if I don't take it personally?" Give people who are grappling with trauma and grief the benefit of the doubt. Move on if someone does not have the capacity or desire to educate you. Do the work yourself. The help you need is already there.

Sit with your own discomfort. It is horrifying to look at what is happening, what has been happening in the face. Some people have the privilege of walking away from that discomfort, of lashing out at the people expressing their pain...

...instead of having the emotional intelligence to see past that to the cause of the pain. No. It's not nice to be aware of things. It's not your job to take on the weight of the world or to be crushed by it, but it is your job, as a human being, to grow past complacency.

I believe it is your job, your privilege, your right, to learn, and grow, and improve. And that is impossible if you are controlled by fear. That is impossible if you are unable to think critically and question things. If you cannot unpack your own language.

What is the point of your life if you are not trying to be better. If you are not trying to improve the quality of that life for you and for everyone around you? Why limit your perspective and your ability to join the conversation for the sake of your ego?

For the sake of a social contract that was never there to begin with? For the illusion of safety? Because I cannot see anything you stand to gain. But a lot you stand to lose.

I don't know that anyone I'd like this to reach will ever read it or be affected by it or care, I'm just. Disturbed by the patterns I've been seeing over the past week.

How on earth are you supposed to react to systemic violence on every level at the hands of people who do not see you as human or value your life in a way that is "appropriate?" The situation is inappropriate.
There
is
no
right
way.

If you are more concerned about the loss of property than the loss of life, I don't know what to tell you. If you're more concerned about the loss of property than the loss of black lives, I can tell you you're racist and you should probably work on that, but that's on you.

Also! People are not one-dimensional! You don't lose your humanity when you're racist, but you sure lose it on the other end! That's the problem! I don't believe that people are monsters. That's an annoying ass narrative that prevents people from thinking they have work to do.

*I* have work to do. I've been untangling my own internalized racism and prejudices my entire life, and I'm not stopping anytime soon.

I'm *still* untangling how I've been complicit in being a victim of abuse, and unlearning the systems in which I was convinced that was okay. Or that is was something you accepted for love, or for security. It's not. It's not something you need to tolerate or make excuses for.

You do not need to, in any way, tolerate or excuse the clearly documented police brutality, racism, and exploitation of people of color. You do not need to turn a blind eye when other people are doing so. That is a choice you make every day.

And that choice hurts everyone. Because as long as someone can threaten you with the idea that they'll treat you like someone else? That they'll make things worse if you ask for change? That is not protection. That is not an equitable relationship.

I don't have a sensible way to end this thread. My mind is racing with a LOT right now, and I'm sure I went in a lot of different directions already, but. I'm tired but I'm doing my best. Are you?